All posts by Rod Lott

Action

Faster (2010)

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Heads up, everybody: In Faster, the character known only as Driver (Dwayne Johnson) just got out of doing 10 years in the slammer for a bank robbery, after which his fellow criminals double-crossed him and murdered his brother. He’s making a list, checking it twice, gonna be up on their asses like white on rice. He’s armed with maps, a gun and a super-speedy Chevelle. Faster, Dwayne Johnson! Kill! Kill!

His spree of revenge ain’t that easy, though, what with two people on his tail. One is Killer (Oliver Jackson-Cohen), a British hit man; the other is Cop (Billy Bob Thornton), a, well, um, cop. As with all cinematic officers of the law, Cop’s nearing retirement. But he’s also addicted to smack, so there’s that.

Despite the screenwriters putting zero thought into naming their characters, Faster is no generic actioner. In fact, it’s fast, furious and fairly no-holds-barred, with Driver never hesitating to raise his weapon, pull the trigger, and launch a bullet clean through his target’s forehead. Director George Tillman Jr. (Notorious) goes for a slick look, but also one that’s down and dirty along its edges, echoing the great revenge pictures of the 1970s.

The concept is simple — a little too simple, which accounts for the occasional padding. Tom Berenger has one scene upfront as the warden. Lost loser Maggie Grace shows up in her underwear. Carla Gugino is another cop, which the movie doesn’t need, but I’m cool with it, because I love to look at Carla Gugino. The same cannot be said of Dexter second banana Jennifer Carpenter, who has a cameo as a stick with a crooked mouth. —Rod Lott

Buy it at Amazon.

Comedy

Million Dollar Mystery (1987)

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No movie ever should start with Eddie Deezen driving a pink jalopy, Tom Bosley wearing a cowboy hat, and/or three blondes with a burning need to urinate. (It’s in Cahiers du Cinéma. Look it up.) That’s Million Dollar Mystery in a nutshell — emphasis on the “nut,” waka waka waka! When people say, “You couldn’t pay me a million dollars to see that,” they mean this legendarily lethal Dino De Laurentiis/Glad Bag sinkhole, which offered viewers a chance to win just that with admission. It grossed $989,033. Oh, well!

At a roadside diner, Bosley keels over after eating chili, but not before telling fellow eaters that he’s hidden $4 million among four places, and it’s theirs if they can find it. Joining in this madcap rush for cash are Deezen, comedian Rick Overton, Playboy Playmate Penny Baker and no one else famous. At least they got Bill Murray to appear the mentally unstable Vietnam vet, Slaughter Buzzárd. Oh, my bad — they couldn’t afford him. That’s Rich Hall, he of “Sniglets” fame.

Like It’s a Mad, Mad, Mad, Mad World; Scavenger Hunt; or Rat Race, it’s a cast-crowded, cross-country, comedic chase, wherein greed gets the best of everyone involved. Unlike It’s a Mad, Mad, Mad, Mad World; Scavenger Hunt; or Rat Race, it has not one genuine laugh. In fact — spoiler alert! — it’s fucking stupid. It gave my DVD player an extra chromosome.

Sadly, this was the last film of director Richard Fleischer (Fantastic Voyage) and stuntman Dar Robinson; the latter actually died for this junk. To add insult to injury, the filmmakers dedicate the work to him — but in quotes, as if insincere — while “comedy” duo Mack & Jamie, two of the least funny people on the planet, improv. The only thing more embarrassing is Kevin Pollak’s constant, cringe-worthy celebrity impressions. Scratch that: Worse is that this represents proof I watched the damn thing. —Rod Lott

Buy it at Amazon.