All posts by Rod Lott

Tarkan Versus the Vikings (1971)

Sword-and-sorcery flicks differ country to country. For example, here in America, our barbarians punch camels; in Turkey, they weep over a dead dog. Pussies. At least that’s the case with Tarkan, an adventurer created for Turkish comics and adapted to several live-action films, including Tarkan Versus the Vikings.

Tarkan (Kartal Tibet) looks like Charles Bronson (it’s the ‘stache) if he wore a long, blond wig, which we know Bronson would never do. In the comics, Tarkan’s companion is a badass wolf; here, it’s a German shepherd. Named Kurt. I don’t care how many tables Tarkans throws at his enemies, either — if you aren’t pushing the Wheel of Pain and balling Sandahl Bergman, you ain’t shit.

Good thing everyone else in the movie is more vicious than he. Its violence comes brutal and bloody — especially for its age — complete with more than one stabbed infant! What do you expect from those durn Vikings, who tie up their detractors to a dock so they may be sacrificed to a giant octopus?

Better Turkish fantasy actioners may have existed — maybe even from the Tarkan franchise — but how many contain such translated dialogue as “The game is up, you Asian rat” and, best of all, “Kurt, guard this bitch here.” —Rod Lott

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The Girl Can’t Help It (1956)

Frank Tashlin’s background directing Looney Tunes paid off big — in more ways than two — in the rock ‘n’ roll comedy The Girl Can’t Help It, giving him the opportunity to work with the live-action cartoon that was Jayne Mansfield. At 40-21-35, her curves are so improbable, they make for the kind of exaggerated fantasy that existed only via pen and ink, not flesh and blood.

And yet, here she is, filling the frames of this vibrant, buoyant rom-com as Jerri Jordan, the shapely kept woman of gregarious gangster “Fats” Murdoch (Edmond O’Brien, D.O.A.) who wants to make her a singing star. To do so, he hires agent Tom Miller (Tom Ewell, The Seven-Year Itch) because he knows Miller is desperately in debt and has a reputation for keeping his hands off clients; Jerri’s chassis invites nothing if not eager mitts.

Tashlin obviously knew this, and thus, created a scene of Mansfield making a scene simply by strutting down a sidewalk. The resulting reactions — physical, chemical, what-have-you — comprise some of the funniest visual gags committed to film. Half of the movie’s point is how seriously people refuse to take a woman with a body like that; unlike much of her career afterward, Mansfield’s actually allowed to act, and does a wonderful job. Both she and her character are smarter than they’re given credit for, no matter how many thrifty erections they so inadvertently inspire.

Girl is equally known for showcasing a wealth of acts from the sock-hop era of pop music, and the flick’s jukebox is as well-stuffed as Mansfield’s sequined gowns. Those seen (and heard) in action include Little Richard, Gene Vincent (“Be-Bop-a-Lula”), Eddie Cochran and Fats Domino. Best of all is Julie London, who croons “Cry Me in River” in full while appearing as a ghost in Miller’s apartment. It’s as sexy as anything Mansfield does, without the torch singer even trying. —Rod Lott

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Anguish (1987)

The eyes have it in Anguish, a perfectly oddball horror film from Spain that’s obsessed with all things ocular.

Oh, and snails. It also really digs snails.

Future Oscar nominee Michael Lerner (Barton Fink) is John, an optometrist’s assistant and all-around schlub who lives with his kooky, bird-loving, pint-sized mother (Zelda Rubenstein, Poltergeist). John’s losing his eyesight, so with the help of Mom, who specializes in psychic hypnosis or something, he collects the peepers of other people. It’s good to have a hobby.

Nearly a third in, writer/director Bigas Luna (Jamón Jamón) pulls quite the fast one on us, revealing that all the action we’ve been watching is taking place on a movie screen. Within the rapt audience, one teen girl is particularly freaked the fuck out.

She has good reason to be, as her fellow moviegoers begin to be killed, just as John is offing innocents onscreen. If Luna’s trying to make an “art imitates life or vice versa” statement, it gets a little lost in the mess of the meta, but Anguish is really kind of ingenious and definitely ahead of its time. It would make a good double feature with Lamberto Bava’s Demons from two years earlier, which also plays with the trapped-in-a-theater concept.

When I was in high school, a local mom-and-pop video store was having a huge sale on posters, and I bought dozens, plus a weird countertop box advertising the VHS release of Anguish. It directed you to peep through a cut-out hole at its top, and any curious customers who did were greeted with a still of the film’s graphic scene of eye surgery. Just thought you’d like to know. —Rod Lott

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Disorganized Crime (1989)

Disorganized Crime isn’t particularly well-written or well-acted. It’s definitely not well-directed. And yet, ever since I caught the crime caper on its opening night, I’ve held a mild affection for it. Hell, it’s not even all that funny, but fits the bill for an entertaining and harmless disposable comedy — something of a then-specialty for Touchstone Pictures.

Frank Salazar (L.A. Lawyer Corbin Bernsen) stakes out a small-town Montana bank as a potential big score, and invites four of his criminal buddies to help with the heist. Trouble is, no sooner has he mailed them letters — the Evite was roughly a decade away — that he’s arrested by two doofus cops (Ed O’Neill, then on Married … with Children, and River’s Edge punk Daniel Roebuck) who wish to escort him back to New Jersey.

Meanwhile, arriving in the sleepy town by Amtrak are Salazar’s invited tech whizzes, safecrackers and general ne’er-do-wells, played by Fred Gwynne (Pet Sematary), Rubén Blades (Predator 2), Lou Diamond Phillips (La Bamba) and William Russ (Death Bed: The Bed That Eats). Get this: They can’t find Salazar! Yuk-yuk! After a lot of bickering and double-crossing, the guys plot the break-in anyway without him.

Writer/director Jim Kouf (scribe of Stakeout, Rush Hour and National Treasure) bounces between the two slapsticky storylines as if they’re the most riotous things ever. It’s not, of course, but bears a fair share of bright bits, most of them provided by, ironically enough, the least famous: Russ. Maybe I just like the way he says, “Yes, I have some fucking toothpaste!” Those who prefer their laughs to be less verbal may be inclined to prefer O’Neill in his underwear, or most of the felons stepping into cow poop. I don’t know of anyone, however, who’ll like the grating harmonica soundtrack. —Rod Lott

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Countess Perverse (1974)

Stay as a guest at the luxurious, sprawling, Spanish island home of Count and Countess Zaroff (Perverse must be a nickname) and you’ll be afforded the finest, most generous cuts of meat for dinner. The Countess (Alice Arno, Justine de Sade) hunts it; the Count (Howard Vernon, The Awful Dr. Orlof) cooks it. Never mind that this “wild game” is human — just enjoy the protein intake and the circle of life in action.

See, in Jess Franco’s Countess Perverse, the couple lure nubile young things to their private isle for dining, wining and wham-bam-thank-you-ma’am-ing. But at dawn, the guest du jour becomes the hunted. She’s let loose at dawn with a 10-minute head start; if she can survive ’til 9 p.m. without being pierced by the Countess’ arrows, she’s set free.

And if not, “you become a tender and succulent roast for our table.” Trouble is, this Most Dangerous Game update occupies only the last 25 minutes of the plodding picture; what lies before is explicit sex — the really boring kind. I lost count of how many couplings and threesomes took place, but many are girl-on-girl, which makes it laughable that one of the film’s alternate theatrical titles was The Munchers.

Speaking of, Franco muse Lina Romay displays a thatch large enough to double as a throw rug. As Silvia, she’s the latest prey to the predator Countess, and both participate in this sport full-frontal. At least the seaside scenery is gorgeous — and this time, I’m really not referring to the ladies. —Rod Lott

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