From the Wahl Clipper Corporation, How to Choose, Grow & Style the Perfect Beard or Mustache is about welding and soldering. Ha! I kid. It’s about big, bushy collections of face pubes.

As the VHS instructional tape begins, it looks like you’re in for wacky pratfalls galore as some poor schmo gets water sprayed in his face in his own bathroom, and Home Improvement sidekick Richard Karn bursts in without knocking to save the day with a Wahl clipper! But these shenanigans last all of 30 seconds, whereupon Karn vamooses in favor of an elongated lesson facial hair lesson subtitled in Spanish. It’s kind of like back in junior high when you’d be invited to a “free” pizza “party,” only to discover you had to sit through a lecture on Jesus.

The “how-to” here is accompanied by image after image of thick-necked Bigfoot-type guys trimming their beards. One sleazeball with a bolo looks like he worked the evening shift at Radio Shack. One fat guy combs out his scraggly, multicolored beard, and I swear he was going to find bits of stew.

Then some “Draw Tippy!”-style illustrations demonstrate how a mustache and/or beard can enhance the faces of various effeminate males. You can play this game at home with one of those dime-store magnetic-dust face toys. The narrator said something about “will not leave a gummy residue,” which will do nothing to allay your fears. —Rod Lott