Party Line (1988)

Unequivocally, Party Line is the finest psycho thriller starring a prematurely balding, former Tiger Beat staple in eye makeup and a puffy shirt. That would be Leif Garrett (Macon County Line) as Seth, the whiny, wealthy brother of sexy, spoiled Angelina (Greta Blackburn, Savage Harbor). They have nothing better to do than repeatedly carry out a felonious, three-part scheme as if it were as frivolous as Taco Tuesday: They set up dates by dialing up party lines (the Tinder of their day); Angelina seduces them; then Seth straight-razors them before driving off in a sports car with the license plate “TEMT ME.”

Following a number of these acts of 976-evil, homicide detective Lt. Dan Bridges (Richard Hatch, TV’s Battlestar Galactica) is assigned the case. But because he’s a “dangerous, hotheaded jackass” who exercises both police brutality and illegal search-and-seizure, he’s assigned a buttoned-blouse partner (Shawn Weatherly, Amityville 1992: It’s About Time), a special investigator for the district attorney’s office, to keep tabs on him.

They eventually get a break thanks to a preteen girl (Patricia Patts, the voice of Peppermint Patty in several Peanuts cartoons) who calls the line for kicks. This babysitter has more bearing on the plot — and thus, more screen time — than Bridges’ captain, played by the iconic Richard Roundtree (Shaft, duh).

Seth harbors major mommy issues and sissy issues — the latter best exemplified by his rage-tearing the curtains off the rod as he watches a tanning Angelina rub her bikinied breasts. In this scene and all, Garrett’s performance is hysterical, in both the emotional and humorous definitions of the word.

As clearly as Seth is disturbed, Party Line is clearly a theatrical progenitor — although a weak one — of the ’90s VHS/cable erotic thriller revolution. Director William Webb (The Banker) lathers a prescient Animal Instincts coat of adults’ body paint atop his coupling of William Castle’s I Saw What You Did and Brian De Palma’s Dressed to Kill. You don’t even need the Blu-ray subtitles’ many instances of “(sexy saxophone music)” to recognize that.

Too hokey to be erotic or thrilling, Party Line boasts several pause-worthy moments (and I don’t mean the kind you think*). For instance, be sure to see:
* 37:30 for a cameo by the boom mike, moving more than either actor in the scene
* 41:18 to glimpse the fucking filthy bare feet of Bridges’ cop girlfriend (Marty Dudek, Martial Law), as if she’s not been pulling over speeders, but cleaning chimneys with Dick Van Dyke
* 1:01:33 for one of the era’s more brazen kid mullets (speaking of, Garrett’s hair suggests an odd combo of mullet, ‘fro and failed Rogaine)

Yes, of course “The party’s over” is one of the film’s final lines. —Rod Lott

*That said, gentlemen, check out 1:12:48 for Weatherly in a red satin dress more fiery than the 15-oz. “Party-Size!” bag of Flamin’ Hot Cheetos.

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Night Ripper! (1986)

Three women — er, better make that four — have been disemboweled by an unseen killer in requisite black gloves. Because all of the deceased were models, suspicion falls upon strip-mall photographers Dave (James Hansen, Streets of Death) and Mitch (Larry Thomas, aka Seinfeld’s infamous Soup Nazi). Now, Mitch is creepy AF, but Dave sure seems like a nice guy — you know, for someone who takes boudoir, swimsuit and nudie pics of strange women in the shop’s back room, away from all those nice frames my mom would like.

Although engaged to be married (albeit to a cheating hussy), Dave is smitten when into the store walks Jill, a lovely lady with an indiscriminate European accent and a pressing need for glamour shots for her beau. Uh-oh, doesn’t her posing in a soccer mom-friendly one-piece technically qualify her as a model? Will this innocent sesh of snapshots place Jill on the radar of the titular Night Ripper!? Those questions are as rhetorical as whether this shot-on-video slasher will culminate in a mannequin factory.

Night Ripper! marks the sophomore movie for Victims! writer, director and producer Jeff Hathcock, who clearly has a thing for emphatic punctuation. He also has a thing for showing characters both major and minor getting both in and out of cars both arriving and departing. And yet, Hathcock manages to work in effective misdirection and uniquely staged kill scenes that belie the near-nonexistent budget — enough for Night Ripper! to earn that exclamation point for being entertaining in spite of all its faults, rather than solely because of them.

Believe me, they’re there — none more amusing than a mistress’ post-coital argument with a red herring who won’t leave his wife: “This isn’t love. This is two sweaty bodies fucking a flood lamp!” she cries, then pausing for a delicious four seconds. “And I’m tired of flood lamps!” Seconded. —Rod Lott

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Final Caller (2020)

As if America’s current discourse over this amendment and that amendment weren’t enough of a Gordian knot, Todd Sheets’ Final Caller lays down even more convoluted rules from our crazed druid ancestors: To appease the gods every eight years, eight people must be killed on Aug. 8. So says cannibal/serial killer Edward Ray Hatcher (Jack McCord, Sheets’ Dreaming Purple Neon), a pot-bellied pig of a human being who dubs himself “The Outsider.”

Hatcher relays all this info by calling into the live radio show hosted by FM shock jock/gaseous blowhard Roland Bennett (Douglas Epps, Sheets’ Bonehill Road). What Hatcher doesn’t specify is how many of the endangered octet will be sacrificed on station property. As a murderer, Hatcher doesn’t screw around. Among other savage things, he removes fingers via DeWalt hand saw, hammers foreheads, nails palms, razor-knives necks and, most sphincter-clenching, jams wooden handles into poop chutes. As little as you’d want to carry on a conversation with him (“You’re already seniors. With cobwebs in your pussies.”), you wouldn’t want to pay even the minimum amount due on his Home Depot bill, either.

Unrelated to his radio DJ-centric segment of 2013’s Hi-8 horror anthology, Final Caller is well-trod territory for Sheets as a showcase for torture-porn gore and gallows humor. Although the very bloody effects are convincing in their refusal not to flinch, one still can sense a giddiness among the cast members in making this microbudget mash-up of Oliver Stone’s Talk Radio and, oh, every subtlety-free indie slasher. A character’s T-shirt boasting the logo of Wild Eye Releasing, the flick’s distributor, establishes the level of seriousness we’re supposed to take all this.

An icon of shot-on-video horror, Sheets boasts a filmography of 50 some-odd titles across an astounding near-four decades. With that much hands-on experience, you’d expect progress and growth; indeed, Final Caller allows him to demonstrate a true knack for the rhythms of editing and setting up his shots. I’d love to see what he could do with an actual budget. Until then, however inconsistent, this effort lives as an example of doing better with next to nothing. —Rod Lott

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The Raven Red Kiss-Off (1990)

Unlike fellow pulp gumshoes Mike Hammer, Sam Spade and Charlie Chan, Robert Leslie Bellem’s Dan Turner character failed to make much of a splash on the screen. Despite starring in hundreds of short stories, the Hollywood detective has been adapted only twice: by Bellem himself for 1947’s Blackmail, followed more than four decades later by The Raven Red Kiss-Off.

Incidentally taking place in the year of Blackmail’s release, Kiss-Off finds business at rock bottom for Tinseltown private investigator Turner (Marc Singer, The Beastmaster), reduced to locating lost cats. Then studio executive Bernie Ballantyne (Danny Kamin, Young Guns), “the meanest man in Hollywood,” hires Turner to keep tabs on his va-va-voomy mistress, Vala DuValle (Tracy Scoggins, Demonic Toys), while she’s shooting a new picture; in particular, Ballantyne fears his valentine is being blackmailed.

On the shoot, Turner runs into an old flame (Bethany Wright, Simple Men), and they immediately reignite with a heavy make-out sesh … until she’s shot dead by a gun poking through the curtains. Suddenly, Turner has blue balls two mysteries on his hands. Could they be related? Of course!

Alternately known as simply Dan Turner, Hollywood Detective, the flick was intended to kick-start a TV-movie franchise, all to be lensed in Tulsa, Oklahoma, where director Christopher Lewis had mined VHS gold with his shot-on-video terror trilogy of Blood Cult, The Ripper and Revenge. Unfortunately, his 35mm film noir found no favor with audiences still attuned to the neon vibe of Miami Vice, which had just finished its long run.

Stacy Keach’s Mike Hammer series also had gone off-air, so it’s possible by then, America was all fedora’d out of period-piece P.I.s who didn’t also have a soundtrack album by Madonna. As Turner, Singer overcranks the dial of pulp-dick affectations to the point which Lewis should’ve reminded his leading man they were making a pastiche, not a parody. As his co-stars prove, it can be done without overdoing it.

That’s not to say The Raven Red Kiss-Off is no fun. Although clearly hampered by a small budget and Lewis’ limitations, the screenplay by knowledgeable first-timer John Wooley (co-author of several Forgotten Horrors volumes) casts a spirit-appropriate shadow and offers the occasional inspired sequence — chief among them, an inventive chase through an amusement park, with Turner hopping from ride to ride to escape his pursuer.

Showing up for a scene or two apiece are Clu Gulager, Arte Johnson, Paul Bartel and Eddie Deezen. Can you guess which one of the four is completely incapable of toning down his shtick to fit into place? —Rod Lott

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A Scary Little Christmas: A History of Yuletide Horror Films, 1972-2020

It’s Christmas in (almost) July! But no matter the season, Matthew C. DuPée’s A Scary Little Christmas is the book fans of holiday horror have been waiting years for.

Subtitled A History of Yuletide Horror Films, 1972-2020, the book groups some 200 movies (including sci-fi entries, despite the title) across such subgenres as slashers, anthologies, zombies, hauntings, elves, Krampus, sharks — even killer trees!

Fittingly, a deep dive into the Silent Night, Deadly Night pentalogy — and its reboot — kicks off the contents. It’s an ideal start, allowing DuPée to showcase everything his book does well in one spot: interviews with cast and crew, historical context, thoughtful commentary, God-honest criticism and — oh, yeah — fun! His introductory note of actively avoiding an academic approach isn’t just talk.

All the movies you’d expect are here — Black Christmas, Christmas Evil, Gremlins (which a disproportionate amount of filmmakers cite as an influence and/or inspiration) — but also the ones you don’t. That means recent indies like Ugly Sweater Party get their fair share of ink, because nothing celebrates the birth of the Christ child quite like “genital-ripping, baseball bat beatings and violent diarrhea explosions.”

That also means movies that aren’t explicitly festive get their due. Falling into this category are the overlooked thrillers ATM, P2 and While She Was Out; their inclusion cements DuPée’s book as essential. The appendix allows him to go even further with capsule reviews of additional titles that didn’t make the initial cut, such as Sheitan and The Lodge.

Errors number few (the most glaring suggests the Oscars are awarded for TV shows) because the book is near-exhaustively researched. While the interviews with cast and crew members could be trimmed of redundancy, they are enlightening — and often unguarded and candid. DuPée navigates his cinematic sleigh ride with good taste and no blinders, willing to give anything a fair shot. He’s unafraid to call out the crap (“a cascade of subpar independent horror schlock”), yet also acknowledges “sometimes you need some cheese with your wine.”

Where else are you going to get four pages of behind-the-scenes stories of Puppet Master vs. Demonic Toys? —Rod Lott

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