Action

Swordfish (2001)

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“You know what the problem with Hollywood is?” asks John Travolta at the beginning of Swordfish. “They make shit. Unremarkable, unbelievable shit.” The same could apply to this slick, brainless action-porn from Joel Silver and Dominic Sena (Gone in 60 Seconds) that manages to be merely mildly entertaining.

X-Men’s Hugh Jackman is the true star, playing a world-renowned hacker fresh off serving an 18-month prison term for his electronic crimes. Despite orders never to touch a computer again, he is drafted by slimy rich guy Travolta into cracking a few codes in exchange for money he can use to reunited with his estranged daughter. It’s a move he’ll soon regret, as the FBI is soon on his ass, while Travolta reveals himself to be a deluded terrorist wishing to embezzle $9 billion from secret DEA accounts with Jackman’s expertise.

For every good scene in Swordfish, there’s a terrible one. The opening city-block explosion shown in some sort of 360˚ bullet-time is a stunner; paradoxically, having Jackman forced to infiltrate a Department of Defense at gunpoint in 60 seconds while he’s receiving a blowjob is a howler.

Halle Berry’s bared breasts are nice; the montage of Jackman unconvincingly hacking away is not. Don Cheadle livens up every scene he’s in; Travolta — in another laughably miscast role — kills every one he’s in. It’s almost like the film is its own love/hate relationship. Seeing a school bus airlifted by a helicopter in the finale is absurd, but hey, ‘splosions a-plenty, amIright? —Rod Lott

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Buried (2010)

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This is the one about Paul Conroy (Ryan Reynolds), an American civilian truck driver who is captured by Iraqis and buried alive in the desert with an active cell phone, a cigarette lighter and a flask. He awakens in a plain wood coffin with no idea how he got there. He receives a call from the guy who buried him demanding “five million money” by 9 that night — two hours — or he will be left to die. The Iraqi also demands that his victim record a video on the cell phone.

And that’s it for Buried’s 95-minute running time. We never leave the coffin, but director Rodrigo Cortes and screenwriter Chris Sparling find excuses for Paul to call his wife, the FBI, a hostage negotiator, the kidnapper and the HR director of the company he works for.

When I first saw the movie’s trailer, which includes the moment when an asp slithers into the coffin through a crack, I thought the film would be a tough sell — not because it plays so strongly on the common fear of enclosed places, but because its lack of action would bore younger audiences.

As it turns out, the picture recouped only a third of the three million money it cost to make. It’s pretty intense and Reynolds turns in a better performance than you’d ever have given him credit for, but stick it out to the end and you’ll see why it flopped. The question is, how did anyone ever think it wouldn’t? —Doug Bentin

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Comedy

Penn & Teller Get Killed (1989)

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Back in 1987, Teller, the famously taciturn member of Penn & Teller, co-starred in a forgotten HBO period baseball flick called Long Gone. This is significant only because, cast as Henry Gibson’s obnoxious son (a role he was seemingly born to play), it offered up an opportunity to hear him speak two years before he again broke his silence in the duo’s first (and, thus far, only) attempt to carry a feature film.

Which means hearing his surprisingly childlike voice isn’t the biggest surprise Penn & Teller Get Killed has to offer. No, that comes in the opening credits when we read the words “Directed by Arthur Penn.” How is it possible, you may wonder, that the man who gave us such classics as Bonnie and Clyde, Little Big Man and Night Moves came to direct what was essentially a vanity project for the so-called “Bad Boys of Magic”?

The answer: Because Arthur Penn was awesome.

People forget that following the enormous success of Bonnie and Clyde, he made the whimsical, draft-dodger comedy Alice’s Restaurant, starring Arlo Guthrie, on whose famous 20-minute story-song it was based. It’s a small, occasionally haphazard film that plays more as a collection of funny scenes than as a satisfying overall narrative, which just happens to be the exact same way to describe Penn & Teller Get Killed.

Written by the two stars, the film essentially consists of a series of increasingly mean and elaborate practical jokes P&T play on each other until karma conspires to make good on the movie’s titular promise. While there is the occasional rough spot, they are more than matched with genuine laughs, a great supporting performance by the late Caitlyn Clarke as their manager, and an ending that makes you reconsider the meaning of “dark comedy.” —Allan Mott

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Horror

Scared to Death (1947)

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Scared to Death was Bela Lugosi’s only color film and it’s a crazy-ass mixture of slapstick and horror, especially for a film with a concentration-camp subplot! It opens at the city morgue, where doctors prepare to perform an autopsy on a “beautiful girl,” who then narrates her own story as it clumsily unfolds in flashback.

She’s the daughter of a physician, in whose house she lives with her husband and a maid. She’s not right in the head, which is no surprise, given the home’s open-door policy to any guest that stumbles by, including magician Lugosi and his deaf dwarf assistant, Indigo, as well as the nosy reporter, his plucky girlfriend and a brick-dumb cop. The woman lives in fear of being killed by a stranger. Every so often, a green, featureless mask floats by the window outside.

I know that filmmaking was still pretty antiquated back in 1947, but you’d think the filmmakers would have been smart enough not to begin with an autopsy if they wanted audiences to be surprised when the lead female dies at the end. You’d also think they’d have the foresight not to end with the line “She was … scared to death!” but they didn’t, and God bless them for it. —Rod Lott

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Poor Pretty Eddie (1975)

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Blaxploitation by way of the backwoods, Poor Pretty Eddie’s setup is tried and true: An outsider, en route to her vacation destination, has car trouble, causing a Deliverance-esque detour into dementia via a Southern-fried Podunk town and the racist, hillbilly denizens who hold court (literally).

Here, our victimized traveler is Liz Wetherly, a national recording sensation played by Leslie Uggams, who does battered and numb so convincingly, you’ll wonder if she took lessons from Tina Turner, bringing a disturbing grindhouse gravitas to the increasingly outlandish escapades. The titular Eddie (Michael Christian) is a delusional wannabe rockabilly singer in the key of an Eddie Cochran, just waiting for his big break. He’s been leading around sloshed sugar mama Bertha (Shelley Winters), who hopes to marry her poor, pretty Eddie.

When Uggams is towed into town by Ted Cassidy (Lurch from The Addams Family), Eddie recognizes the star and tries to seduce her. Baffled when his booty call is shot down, he resorts to forceful, nonconsensual boot-knockin’. It’s surely one of the most surreal rape scenes on film, as it’s spliced with an equally graphic slow-mo scene of Cassidy breeding his dog!

I guarantee there was no “test screening” for the very un-PC Poor Pretty Eddie, aka Redneck County, a shocking trip even today. It makes my heart yearn for the era of the drive-in. Where else could you see the likes of Lurch, Winters, Slim Pickens and Dub Taylor in one movie? —Joshua Jabcuga

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