4bia (2008)

Has Hollywood just completely given up on the horror anthology? Its failure to not give something as awesome as Trick ‘r Treat a theatrical release suggests the answer is “yes.” Look elsewhere to get your ominous omnibus fix — particularly, to Thailand, for the frightening foursome known as 4bia.

Read that as “phobia,” for each segment plays upon a different fear, with directors taking turns at taking the helm, and no wraparound segment to force threading them together. The first and simplest story concerns a lonely young woman who doesn’t realize the mystery man she’s texting on her cell phone is actually dead … until he comes to pay a visit.

Next, a bullied youth takes revenge on his tormenters via that old black magic, followed by a campfire tale that name-drops a slew of scary movies as it pays homage to the more “spirited” ones. The campers experience real terror, but hey, at least they’re not made to “squeal like a pig.” Finally, a female flight attendant finds that transporting a corpse in an otherwise empty jet offers many an opportunity for tummy turbulence.

4bia is slick and sick, with each segment effective because it’s roughly a quarter of the length of the running time into which many Asian films overextend their thin plots. The movie hasn’t had an official U.S. release yet — you’d think Lionsgate would put it paws all over it — but if it did, I’d buy it. The anthology film is alive and well. You just have to cast your eyes overseas for it. —Rod Lott

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Burning Bright (2010)

Taking its inspiration from a line of a poem I’m not pretentious enough to have memorized in my academic career, Burning Bright pits Briana Evigan and a grade-school Rain Man against a tiger. Trapped in their house. During a hurricane. Seriously.

But wait! It all makes sense within the context of the picture, one which is actually quite suspenseful and something of a buried gem.

With her mom dead by suicide, Kelly (Evigan) may have to postpone college until she can afford to put her autistic little brother, Tom (Charlie Tahan), in a home. Their sleazy stepfather, Johnny (Garret Dillahunt), blew all their bucks on a vicious tiger he bought from Meat Loaf (Meat Loaf) for a tourist zoo he wants to open.

Johnny boards Kelly and Tom inside because of the oncoming storm and heads to the bar … but not before letting his new purchase slip inside, too. ZOMG KITTEH!!! Thus begins a half-literal game of cat-and-mouse that shouldn’t be able to sustain itself for more than an hour, yet does.

Making that feat all the more impressive is that this is only the second film from director Carlos Brooks, who has a great eye for framing and a Hitchcockian gift for building tension. It helps that he used a real, honest-to-God, big-ass-toothed tiger, whereas most filmmakers would’ve gone the easy route with letting the tech guys add one later with … I dunno, MacPaint or whatever it is they use. —Rod Lott

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My Chauffeur (1986)

Dear Hollywood,

I miss Deborah Foreman. Why did you stop making movies with her in them? Did she do something to piss you off? I’ve checked online, and the most recent photographs I’ve seen prove she’s still as hot as ever. Have you seen Valley Girl or April Fool’s Day or Waxwork or Sundown: The Vampire in Retreat? If you had, you’d know she was that rare actress who effortlessly mixed genuine sex appeal with likable adorability.

No greater proof of that exists than My Chauffeur, where she played an adorably sexy space cadet mysteriously hired by a secret benefactor to be the first female driver at a stuffy limousine company. Sure, it’s a haphazard, uneven production made by the schlockmeisters at the now-defunct Crown International Pictures, but she’s hilarious in it. And sexy. And adorable.

Just watch her wonderful under-reaction to the news that her and Sam Jones’ blossoming intimate relationship might be an incestuous one and tell me why she didn’t at least get her own badly written, cheesy ’80s sitcom! Truthfully, I can take or leave the rest of the picture — including the bizarre appearance by a fetal Penn & Teller — but that hasn’t stopped me from watching it a dozen times since it first came out.

Okay, maybe you’ve tried to get her back and she refuses to return your phone calls. Try harder. With Amanda Bynes teetering on and off the edge of retirement, we need all of the sexy-adorable we can get.

Yours Expectantly, —Allan Mott

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PTU (2003)

PTU stands for “Police Tactical Unit,” and I’m booking this Hong Kong copper crime drama in the C+ column. It exudes potential from the outset, but tosses much of it out for a clichéd, slo-mo final shootout.

Chronicling one crazy night for the PTU, Election director Johnnie To’s film starts off just fine — even a little funny — as the rotund, chain-smoking Sgt. Lo (Suet Lam) crosses paths at a late-night diner with the wrong guys: neighborhood thugs who think they’re hot shit and all that and a bag of shrimp crisps.

Soon, the gang’s leader, the aptly named Ponytail (Chi-Shing Chiu) is dead from a knife through the back, but not before he runs down the street and tries to drive himself to the hospital, while Lo slips into unconsciousness after an alleyway fall in pursuit, and the other gang guys steal his gun.

From there, Lo’s colleagues — headed by the stoic Sgt. Ho (Simon Yam) — try to retrieve his weapon, which leads into an ever-the-more-muddled, loosey-goosey narrative that grows too messy in its second half. At least To makes the proceedings look slick. I liked the slight seriocomic, near-episodic approach, and the decision to make the cops corrupt assholes; its score, however, is atrocious. —Rod Lott

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