Positioned as a sequel – but bearing absolutely no relation – to Jet Li’s hugely enjoyable Die Hard knockoff Meltdown, the Hong Kong actioner Another Meltdown (formerly known as The Black Sheep Affair) stars Man Cheuk Chiu as Officer Dong (couldn’t they have changed that in dubbing?), a cop reassigned to the USSR after infiltrating an airplane hostage situation.
Upon arrival in Russia, he goes head to head and toe to toe with a Japanese terrorist who offs some Interpol agents at the subway station. Eventually, the bad guy kidnaps Dong’s saintly girlfriend (Shu Qi from The Transporter).
There are some good action scenes – particularly the ones that rely more on martial arts than guns, or the vehicular assault that rips off Clear and Present Danger – but the story gets too bogged down in politics, a move that also marred the then-recent Korean film Shiri.
Having second thought about getting a vasectomy? Watch Orphan and you’ll be reaching for the kitchen scissors and a hand mirror before the third act. It’s not like there’s a dearth of evil-kid suspensers, but the girl at the center of this one could turn you into a misogynist.
Her name’s Esther (Isabelle Fuhrman), a 9-year-old girl from Russia adopted by a lesbian couple — oh, that’s Peter Sarsgaard, you say? My bad! — a married couple grieving over the sudden death of their third baby. Kate (Vera Farmiga) is a recovering alcoholic; she and hubby John (Sarsgaard) have a deaf daughter and an asshole son, so adding a cold-blooded killer to the mix seems like a natural move.
Esther’s warming-up period includes watching John bend Kate over the kitchen counter. Kate tries to explain: “They want to show that love, they want to express it.” Replies Esther, “I know — they fuck.” (Art Linkletter, you were so correct!) Before long, the girl is breaking legs, killing nuns, destroying marriages, setting fires, playing the piano even though she said she couldn’t — is there no end to her reign of terror?
By-the-numbers it may be, Orphan is at least well-made mediocrity by House of Wax director Jaume Collet-Serra, and Farmiga seems not to realize this is a Dark Castle release — she acts the hell out of the thing as if AMPAS voters might be sniffing around on accident. Its biggest mystery isn’t what made Esther the pigtailed bitch that she is, but: 1) who thought that twist would work, and 2) why is this thing over two hours long? Why, God, why? —Rod Lott
Novelist Michael Crichton was famous for being somewhat obsessive about the subjects that caught his fancy, often studying them until he could be considered almost an expert in the field. Sadly, the 17 years he devoted to researching the art of filmmaking weren’t quite as fruitful. As a director, he never managed to be more than an undistinguished journeyman; as a screenwriter, he failed more often than he succeeded.
His sixth and penultimate film, Runaway, is a clear example of his cinematic limitations. Always more interested in the ideas presented in his work than the stories he was telling, his plots served as little more than perfunctory frameworks for specific concepts and set pieces. Because of this most of his films succeed as superficial entertainment, but don’t hold up to any kind of prolonged analysis.
Set in an unspecified future where most menial tasks are now undertaken by non-anthropomorphic robots, Tom Selleck stars as the head of the local police force’s “runaway” squad, which is in charge of catching and stopping malfunctioning machines that pose a hazard to the public. When a robot murders three people, Selleck and his cute new partner, Cynthia Rhodes, uncover a plot by ruthless killer Gene Simmons to fuck everything that moves by selling a “smart bullet” capable of targeting an individual’s heat signature.
Caught up in this plot is a very hot pre-Cheers Kirstie Alley, Selleck’s young Flight of the Navigator son and a bunch of robot spiders that inject acid into their victim’s veins. Clearly in love with the film’s future-tech (most of which looks quite dated 26 years later), Crichton obviously wasn’t so enamored with his characters, none of whom are given any more depth than his robot creations.
Runaway has a few interesting moments and a good concept, but suffers from having been made by a man who was ultimately more interested in the idea of being a filmmaker than with filmmaking itself. —Allan Mott
Twins John and Roy Boulting were the Coen Brothers of postwar British movies. They wrote, produced and directed their films, swapping credits so that sometimes Roy was listed as director and John as producer, and vice versa. Sometimes they worked with other writers, sometimes not.
In 1956, they burlesqued the British Army in Private’s Progress. That film starred Ian Carmichael (later Lord Peter Wimsey on TV) as Stanley Windrush, minor nobility and major boob, who learns what he needs to know to survive in uniform: the scams, tricks for time-wasting, disrespect for authority, etc. Three years later, Stanley returned in I’m All Right Jack, to learn the same lessons in postwar British industry.
He gets a job as an efficiency expert working for his uncle whose company has landed a contract to build missiles for a Middle Eastern principality. Problem is, Uncle Bertie (Dennis Price) wants to lose the contract, which he underbid, so it will go to his nefarious pal Sidney De Vere Cox (Richard Attenborough), whose company will make a fortune to be split between the schemers.
Bertie knows Stanley well, and he’s honest, good-hearted, incredibly inept and certain to piss off the workers so thoroughly they’ll go out on strike. Since the union leader is played by Peter Sellers with a brilliant Hitler mustache, and the human resources officer is Terry-Thomas at his smarmiest, it’s a done deal.
The Boultings didn’t like Sellers much — Roy once said, “As a man, he was probably his own worst enemy, although there was plenty of competition” — but he was such a terrific comic character actor before he became a movie star, they had to use him. You don’t need to know anything about working conditions in Britain in the 1950s to appreciate Terry-Thomas explaining, “We’ve got chaps here who could break out in a muck sweat merely by standing still.”
Nobody can rip off Mad Max quite like the Italians.
In Warriors of the Wasteland — taking place in a post-apocalyptic future, it should go without saying — a small band of peacenik survivors is tormented by the Templars, an evil gang that roams the desert (or the fringes of a construction site) on cool motorcycles and customized cars loaded with deadly gadgetry. They also have names like Shadow and One, sport Mohawks and mullets, and dress like George Lucas’ Stormtroopers as made over by the Queer Eye for the Straight Guy team.
Stepping up to right wrongs and challenge the Templars is Scorpio, a disillusioned former member who looks like a hunky Peter Riegert. He’s joined by a vacant female love interest, a rock-slinging, tow-headed ugly kid and, best of all, crossbow-wielding Fred Williamson and his girly headband, rightfully playing a guy named Nadir.
The action scenes are what make this movie, alternately known as The New Barbarians. People explode in slow-motion into bloody chunks, get screwed by the Swiss Army car implements and even decapitated by a slowly whirling blade on the lead bad guy’s go-cart. There are several chase scenes like this — all set to a cool Claudio Simonetti score — so you’d think the carmageddon would get old, but nope, never does! —Rod Lott