The New Centurions (1972)

No one writes a cop novel like Joseph Wambaugh, so it’s no wonder Hollywood has adapted so many of them, starting with The New Centurions. It follows rookie cop Roy (Stacy Keach, sans ‘stache, initially) being introduced to the night shift of the scummier areas of Los Angeles by near-retirement Kilvinski (George C. Scott, intense as always). As they make their rounds, the lonely old man imparts wisdom to his family-man protégé: “Look out the window. There’s always another asshole.”

The partners and the other cops of their division — a vanity-free Erik Estrada among them — are shown breaking up domestic disputes, rounding up street whores, working robberies big and small, hunting down a flim-flam man, making routine traffic stops, trolling parks for “fruits,” and chasing various perps.

There’s a reason they call it a beat: because it wears one down. Like Wambaugh’s excellent, reality-based novels, Richard Fleischer’s film pulls back the veil of being an officer, presenting a portrait that’s not at all gussied-up, revealing the repercussions of making an honest but deadly mistake, and the toll the job takes at home. A scene in which the wrong guy is fatally shot is powerful, but most tense is when the police attempt to wrest an abused newborn from its drunk mother.

The New Centurions isn’t your average Hollywood crime drama. When Kilvinski mentions retirement, any other movie would mark him for death before his last day on the job; instead, Stirling Silliphant’s script shows him taking a more realistic route. It’s a solid work, tonally false only with a late-in-the-game subplot of romance for Roy. —Rod Lott

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The Morgue (2008)

Okay, I admit it: I’m not perfect. I’ve done some pretty lousy things in my life. But I have never done anything, wanted to do anything, or even thought of anything to make me deserve this movie. If Stalin were in Hell watching The Morgue, I’d think, “the poor bastard,” and shuffle sadly away.

In the first place, the setting isn’t even a morgue. It’s a mortuary and mausoleum. After closing, only two people remain on the premises: janitor Margo (Lisa Crilley, Annapolis) and night watchman George (Bill Cobbs, Night at the Museum). Margo, who naps in coffins, allows just anyone in and George vanishes for hours at a time. It’s a terrible thing that Cobbs’ career has this lousy bump in it. It may turn out to be a high point for Crilley.

So on this night of nights, Margo is interrupted by a family of three that comes in because they ran out of gas. (Mom is played by Heather Donahue, she of the enraged nostrils in The Blair Witch Project.) Then a few minutes later, a couple of banged-up jokers show up and bust through the French doors. And, oooh, the ghost of Horace, a former employee who committed suicide in the restroom by slitting his own throat — sing with me, “Bleedin’ in the boys’ room” — is wandering the halls seeking people to kill because, hell, why not?

The movie is so bad it took two directors to do the deed, Halder Gomes and Gerson Sanginitto. Remember their names. That way, if you ever forget the names of the characters in Dumb and Dumber, you can just call them Halder and Gerson. With a twist ending that’s about as twisty as the shortest distance between two points, this is the kind of flick that results when guys watch movies like this and think, “Hey, I can make a movie as good as that.” And then do. —Doug Bentin

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Chained Heat (1983)

Already convinced by previous viewings that Chained Heat was the ne plus ultra of the storied women-in-prison genre, what surprised me the most when I recently revisited it was the realization that television producer Tom Fontana totally ripped it off when he created the infamous HBO prison drama, Oz.

Don’t believe me? Well, Oz told the tale of the misery and corruption found in a men’s prison and focused on characters like Tobius Beecher, an otherwise law-abiding everyman who ran over a kid while drunk behind the wheel; Vern Schillinger, a cruel, dangerous Aryan who set his sights on Beecher’s ass and made it his own; and Kareem Said, a highly educated Muslim who frequently fought for control of Oz’s black prison population.

And Chained Heat? It tells the story of the misery and corruption found in a women’s prison that focuses on characters like Carol Henderson (Linda Blair), an otherwise law-abiding everywoman who ran over and killed a man by accident; Ericka (Sybil Danning), a cruel, dangerous Aryan who sets her sights on Carol’s ass and tries to make it her own; and Duchess (Tamera Dobson), the Vassar-educated queen bee of the prison’s (frequently mentioned, but largely unseen) black prison population.

Plus, in both, none of the prisoners ever wear bras. And I mean never ever!

Sadly, the only version of Chained Heat currently available on DVD is a butchered, 88-minute cable edit that keeps most of the nudity (hooray!), but none of the violence (boo!). Despite this, it remains the greatest example of perhaps the most truly exploitative exploitation genre there is, and its influence clearly lives on.

And did I mention how it’s devoid of anything even remotely resembling a bra? —Allan Mott

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Confession Stand with Ashley C. Williams

Ashley C. Williams is the middle section of last year’s family feel-good hit, The Human Centipede.

FLICK ATTACK: First, the obvious question: Should I let Centipede writer/director Tom Six babysit my kids?

WILLIAMS: Sure thing! He’s a sweetheart. Most people just think he is sick in the head, which is understandable. But he really is the opposite of what you think!

FLICK ATTACK: When you signed up for The Human Centipede, did you have any idea it would become a pop-culture touchstone before it was even released, or did you think it was destined for oblivion?

WILLIAMS: Honestly, I had no idea it would be this big a hit in the cult horror film world. I just thought, “Hey, this role could either make or break my career,” and hey, it turned out pretty good! We were just happy when it got into some film festivals and it just kept growing from there! 

FLICK ATTACK: In The Brady Bunch, Jan Brady always resented being the middle girl. Can you relate? Do you think you had it worse than she did? Please remember before you answer that Marcia was really hot.

WILLIAMS: I can relate! And ironically, I am the “middle child” in my family, too, and it’s not the greatest feeling. But I do think that my character definitely had it the worst. 

FLICK ATTACK: Do you now need knee replacements?

WILLIAMS: My knees are fine, thanks. But I suppose my character, Lindsay, might need them, if she survives. 

FLICK ATTACK: Since you spent so much time attached to two of your co-stars, did you get to the point where you could finish each other’s thoughts? And, like, if Ashlynn Yennie stubbed her toe right now on the other side of the country, could you feel it?

WILLIAMS: Totally. 

FLICK ATTACK: How to put this delicately? Okay, there’s no way to put this delicately: Were you having to smell Akihiro Kitamura’s butt the whole time?

WILLIAMS: Nope, there were several layers of fabric and gauze so that we wern’t ever touching. We were never ever skin to skin. There was a knob attached to the gauze that we bit down on to make it look like we were attached. 

FLICK ATTACK: I imagine that since the movie came out, you’ve gotten a lot of attention from the wrong sort of people. What’s the creepiest fan experience you’ve had thus far?

WILLIAMS: Creepiest? Well, I get a lot of Facebook stalkers, especially on my fan page. They say some weird crap that is just … well … weird. 

FLICK ATTACK: Speaking of, has appearing in the film affected your dating life?

WILLIAMS: Not at all! my boyfriend was very supportive of me doing this film. 

FLICK ATTACK: According to IMDb, you were an uncredited villager in Willow. If that’s true, who’s scarier: an on-camera Dieter Laser or an off-camera Val Kilmer?

WILLIAMS: Well, I was only 5 years old in Willow, so I’m not sure of Val Kilmer’s personality off-camera, so I would have to say definitely Dieter Laser was insanely scary, even while he was off-camera! He stayed in character pretty much the whole time while he was on set. 

FLICK ATTACK: You’ve won acting awards, you’re a professional dancer, you’re an accomplished painter. Does it bug you — no pun intended — that your obituary still might lead with The Human Centipede?

WILLIAMS: Well, let me correct some things before I answer. I am actually not a dancer; I am a singer and I paint as a hobby. I’m actually very proud of the work I did in The Human Centipede. Being known as “the middle piece” my whole life is nice, but obviously, I would like to work outside of the horror genre as well and not get “stuck” in it. 

FLICK ATTACK: And now for a question not about The Human Centipede: What films are you working on now? And how medically accurate are they?

WILLIAMS: Right now, I will be shooting a a romantic comedy in August here in NYC called A Guy Named Rick, and then going off to England and Germany to shoot a horror comedy, which is “somewhat accurate” in a Shaun of the Dead kind of way, called Stagnant. I have some offers of some great films that I am in negotiations with at the moment, and I continue to do plays here in NYC! —Rod Lott

Additional questions by Allan Mott.

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