I’m as surprised as anyone to learn that there are levels of “quality” to the movies Syfy plays, but compared to the kind of stuff Syfy usually presents, Kraken: Tentacles of the Deep is Casablanca. Make no mistake: It’s B-movie trash with a CGI squid that Nintendo would be ashamed to put in a DS game, but it does have a couple of things going for it.
First of all, it’s not a horror movie. The title wants you to believe differently, but it’s actually an adventure film with Victoria Pratt and a couple of interns looking for sunken treasure that’s guarded by a mythological sea monster. Oh crap. I hope I didn’t raise anyone’s expectations there. This isn’t even Tomb Raider quality, but I was just so happy not to spend two hours watching CGI tentacles take down drunken teenagers, that the ridiculous treasure-hunting plot felt original.
Something else it has going for it are the leads. Maybe I’m just still in love with her from Cleopatra 2525, but I find Victoria Pratt extremely watchable and the best part of any movie she’s in. And yeah, Charlie O’Connell constantly reminds me that he’s not Jerry, but he’s still plenty charming.
That’s about it for the good stuff. The rich, Greek villain is a mustache-twirling cartoon, and there are all kinds of ridiculous holes in the plot. It’s just that when you’re expecting a big plate of chum, even Long John Silver’s tastes pretty good. —Michael May
Paranormal Activity 3 (2011)
Third time’s the harm — again — with Paranormal Activity 3, another prequel to a prequel. (In real math, then, this is Paranormal Activity Negative 2.) Rather than pick up where 2 left off, franchise-fresh directors Henry Joost and Ariel Schulman (Catfish) have turned back the clock to tell the heretofore hinted-at story of that thing that happened that one time to sisters Katie and Kristi when they were little. Holy shit, girls, do you remember that?
Lemme take you there: It was the ’80s. Your mom, Julie (Lauren Bittner) had big hair, a secret stash of pot and a new husband who looked like a douche because he never shaved. His name was Dennis (Christopher Nicholas Smith) and he made wedding videos for a living, so it was only a matter of time before he tried to bang your mom on tape. On VHS, even. Classy.
And you two started complaining about weird things happening, and Dennis set up a couple of totally sweet camcorders ’round the house to see what was what. (Even I gotta admit, rigging the cam on the oscillating fan’s base was ingenious.) And boy, did his DIY spirit pay off! The house had its own invisible demon — Toby, his name was, and he didn’t like to be called fat — who moved objects askew and had this cool trick he liked to do where people would fly across the room like puppets who suddenly had their strings yanked.
The same description could apply to viewers, who lap these Paranormal movies up. For all their simplicity, however … well, dammit, I really admire their simplicity! Whereas so many studios spend millions on special effects, Joost and Schulman literally freak us out with a bed sheet. A bed sheet.
Also, I just find Katie Featherston to be crazy hot. That is all. —Rod Lott
6 Sexy, Sleazy and Stupid Jess Franco Films
Barbed Wire Dolls (1975) — Probably Franco’s best women-in-prison film, which features all the genre clichés: rampant lesbianism, the butch warden, the pivotal male prison doctor, the inmate who’s already cracked, etc., etc., ad nauseam. Franco is one of those directors who uses nudity as a wardrobe choice. No point in going into the plot; the clichés above pretty much tell the story.
Linda (1981) — This used to be widely available on tape in America (cut, of course) as Captive Women. It’s another captive-women flick made special only by the presence of stars Katja Bienert and Ursula Buchfellner — very beautiful, very naked. You know, I did some research on Katja Bienert. She was born in 1966. Linda was shot in 1980. You do the math. What the hell have I gotten myself into? Stop judging me!
Sadomania (1981) — This women-in-prison outing stars the notorious, exotic transsexual Ajita Wilson as the mean warden. It’s not one of Franco’s sexier (or explicit) outings, but there is plentiful nudity and an umpteenth simple-minded plot variation on The Most Dangerous Game.
Vampire Blues (1999) — Further proof that the madman is still at it, this is a really poorly acted (including Franco himself in a bit part), poorly conceived, shot-on-video, nudity-filled joke. It has horrible music by a horrible band, whose title song is played over and over again. It stars Rachel Sheppard as some girl haunted by vampiric imagery. And she’s the worst fucking actress I’ve seen in quite a while. It was worth every frickin’ dime I spent on it.
Voodoo Passion (1977) — A bright, beautiful and kinky tale, it’s set in Haiti which, I suppose, explains the voodoo part. It’s about a woman who visits her husband who lives in Haiti with his hot, frequently naked sister (the succulent, platinum-blond Karine Gambier). God knows what that’s all about. But it sets the stage for a colorful palette of sex and voodoo, just like the title promises. Also known as Porno Shock.
Rolls Royce Baby (1975) — I always thought that Female Vampire, aka Erotikill was the ultimate Lina Romay film. Almost every frame contained her and her willing nudeness. Boy, was I wrong! Rolls Royce Baby is pure Lina Romay. It’s pretty much all about her picking up hitchhikers for some backseat romping. She’s nonstop nude. What we’re left with is an image of her vagina so thorough and vivid, you could accurately draw it from memory. This is not, however, a Franco film; I cheated. It was directed by Franco’s former frequent producer, Erwin C. Dietrich, who gave Lina/Franco fans what Franco never quite could. Go figure! —Richard York
Madcap Screencaps #33
Can you guess what movie or TV show we’re watching? We’ve turned on subtitles (when available) not to give you a clue, but to enhance that WTF effect! Leave your best guess in the comments to prove your true Flick Attackosity!
The Incredible Hulk Returns (1988)
Long after the Incredible Hulk television series had ended, NBC revived the Hulk with a string of comparably silly made-for-TV movies, the first of which was, naturally, The Incredible Hulk Returns. Still a lonely soul, Bruce Banner (Bill Bixby) is on the verge of finishing a project that he believes will cure him of his unfortunate Hulk-outs. But just when he’s about to fire up the machine and change his life for the better, he’s interrupted by some curly haired nerd from his past, who tells him of a polar expedition he recently undertook, where he found an ancient hammer that allows him to summon Thor (Eric Kramer). Got that?
Why would this dork think to track down the presumed-dead Banner to tell him all this? Never you mind, because he shows Banner a demo, and sure enough, here comes Thor (looking less like Thor than Vincent D’Onofrio’s car mechanic in Adventures in Babysitting), who proceeds the wreck the shit outta Banner’s anti-Hulk contraption. Oh, the irony!
Thor doesn’t even really act like the Thor of the comics. He acts like Fabio after a week’s training of Hooked on Phonics. Posing and winking like a pro wrestler, he walks around shirtless, downs gallons and gallons of beer, and greets visitors to Banner’s apartment by asking, “Why must you pound on my door with such insolence?” This is where you know director Nicholas Corea wanted to hit the button on the mixing console marked “LAFF TRACK.”
It just sorta ends after the climactic scene of the Hulk (Lou Ferrigno) and Thor working together to pull down a helicopter. Then Banner hits the road again, only to resurface in the following year’s misleadingly titled The Trial of the Incredible Hulk. —Rod Lott