Game of Death II (1981)

I’ve never seen anything quite like Game of Death II, in which the late Bruce Lee unwittingly reprises his role as Billy Lo from the misbegotten Game of Death. Like that 1978 turd, this is a Bruceploitation film, utilizing as much Bruce stock footage as they can get away with, and creating an illusion that he’s the star by shooting a double from the back, from the side or obscured by household items. But whereas that film was a chore to sit through, this hack job is a hoot.

If there’s a story to it, I sure didn’t catch it, but Billy fights his way through several colorful opponents before tragically dying at the film’s midpoint when he falls from a helicopter. For the second half, his brother, Bobby (Tong Lung), enters and becomes the main character, seeking revenge for Billy’s death.

That’s when things get crazy. Like my favorite scene, when Billy is sucking face with a fully naked skank. She tries to kill him, the lights go out, and a lion (obviously a guy in a suit) bursts through the wall and chases them around the room. Read that sentence again and let it sink in. I also dug the finale, which takes place in the underground “tower of death,” a high-tech, booby-trapped, spy-type lair that suggests the film is a cut-rate Enter the Dragon impostor. There Bobby takes on several henchmen and a guy in a Tarzan suit, just because.

Although the film itself is pretty funny (not on purpose), the martial arts on display in Game of Death II are pretty serious stuff, courtesy of fight choreographer Yuen Woo Ping, of Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon; The Matrix; Kill Bill and just about everything else that rules. —Rod Lott

Buy it at Amazon.

Posed for Murder (1989)

If you’re anything like me, then the first page of Playboy you always turn to is the centerfold’s fact sheet. “Who is she as a person?” you ask yourself as you enjoy her witty insights regarding her likes, dislikes, ambitions and turns both on and off. It’s only then — with some reluctance — that you take a look at the photographs that represent the rest of her appearance in the magazine and appreciate them in your own special way for a few brief, energetic minutes.

Thankfully, for those of us movie buffs who truly care about who our masturbation fantasies are as people, there’s Posed for Murder, a somewhat-forgotten, late-’80s thriller dedicated to the travails of a glamour model trying to make her way in a world full of asshole publishers, sleazy agents, sleazier movie directors, sick moms, convict ex-boyfriends and psychotic, body-building stalkers-cum-serial killers.

Charlotte Helmkamp (Miss December 1982) is clearly cast against type as Laura, a hot brunette with a bangin’ body whose photos in the low-rent Thrill have paid the bills, but who longs for the kind of respect that’s synonymous with being a terrible actress in low-budget horror films. While she pursues her dream in-between workouts and photo shoots, she barely has the time to notice that all of the people around her are turning up kinda dead.

Posed for Murder is one of those movies that does nothing right, yet still manages to be a fun time. Just sleazy enough to leave you tumescent, but not so much to make you feel guilty afterward, it’s a so-bad-it’s-good fiasco that deserves to be much better known among aficionados of this sort of thing. —Allan Mott

Buy it at Amazon.

The Vampire Happening (1971)

After an incognito viewing of herself in an adult movie shown on a commercial airline (!), American actress Betty Williams (Pia Degermark, Elvira Madigan) lands in Transylvania, where she has just inherited the requisite spooky old castle whose basement is laden with torture devices specifically for use on naked women.

The place also bears — bares? — a nude portrait of her great-grandmother, Baroness Clarimonde (also Degermark), who looks just like her, except that Betty’s hair is blonde to her ancestor’s brunette. Also, Clarimonde is a vampire who emerges from her coffin and corrupts nearby villagers, in particular the leering Catholics next door. Seduction follows, several times over.

All this culminates in quite the swingin’ party-cum-orgy where the guest of honor is none other than Count Dracula himself (Ferdy Mayne, Conan the Destroyer), who swoops in on his own branded helicopter, flashes the devil’s horns to his admirers, and goes inside to enjoy a banana. If you couldn’t tell by now, The Vampire Happening is a stab at sexy horror comedy à la The Fearless Vampire Killers, but minus the touch of Roman Polanski. (In his place is Hammer/Amicus vet Freddie Francis.)

In the most riotous scene, Betty flashes a monk from her window, prompting the lust-suffering holy man to the imagine all the surrounding trees as naughty parts, moss and all, like something from the height of the Zucker/Abrahams/Zucker era. Speaking of, the gay male flight attendant gags in the opening scenes are as un-PC as Stephen Stucker’s running ones in Airplane!, but not as funny. In fact, little in Vamp Hap is truly funny, but the movie is so odd, so laden with nudity, so goofily self-aware, you gotta see it anyway. —Rod Lott

Buy it at Amazon.

Cheerleader Camp (1988)

Considering their mutual dependence on hot, 20-something actresses pretending to be clothing-adverse teenagers, combining a slasher film with a teen-titty comedy does sound like a natural fit, but efforts like Cheerleader Camp quickly prove this isn’t the case. Instead of just ending up with a terrible slasher movie, the filmmakers involved inevitably make something much, much worse: a terrible, bitterly unfunny slasher comedy.

Set in a strange, bizarro world where adults who have clearly graduated from college are slaughtered willy nilly while gathered together in a wilderness summer camp location to practice horribly choreographed cheerleading routines, the film doggedly reproduces only the worst aspects of both genres, with the result that you find yourself covering your eyes whenever it tries to be funny, and laughing out loud when it attempts to be frightening.

Chances are, however, you’re going to watch Cheerleader Camp anyway, since it features what has to be one of the most intriguing exploitation casts the period ever produced. Where else are you going to find a balding ’70s teen idol has-been (Skateboard’s Leif Garrett), two ’80s B-movie icons (Private School’s Betsy Russell and Breakin’ starlet Lucinda Dickey), two of the era’s most infamous Playboy Playmates (Rebecca Ferratti, who became a tabloid sensation after describing life in the “harem” of the Sultan of Brunei, and Teri Weigel, the only centerfold in the magazine’s history to become a hardcore pornstar), and George “Buck” Flower (They Live) to top it all off?

A perfect example of what happens when cynical filmmakers attempt to produce a saleable product instead of a good movie, Cheerleader Camp is one of those miserable experiences every genre fan has to suffer through because the cast, poster art and concept are too much to resist, resist it though they should. —Allan Mott

Buy it at Amazon.

7 Lost-in-Translation Title Cards and Taglines from Kung Fu Trailers on the Karate: The Hand of Death DVD

1. Temple of Death: “FATAL FIGHTING, HUMEROUS” and “WELL GUARANTEE”
2. Deadly Strike: “STRON CASTING! NEW STRIKES! RISKS EVERYWHERE!”
3. Superfist: “FUGITIVE? DRUG TRAFFICKER? ASSASSINATION! REVENGE!”
4. Hammerfist Masters: “Featuring the Charming Lady”
5. The Mad, the Mean, and the Deadly: “Furious Fighting That Startle Everybody!”
6. Dragons Never Die: “Take your mama to see it before somebody else does!”
7. Fury of the Black Belt: “MOVABLE SIGHT IN EVERY SECOND! THE FEELING OF PRESSURE! CARRY OUT FORCE! THE QUESTION OF LOWS! IT IS AN EXPLOSIVE FILM!” —Rod Lott

Buy it at Amazon.

Random Genre & Cult Movie Reviews