Sci-Fi & Fantasy

The Black Hole (1979)

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blackholeThree scenes utterly traumatized me as a youngster:
1. the reveal of the “star child” in 2001: A Space Odyssey (nightmarish!);
2. the rabbit attack in Monty Python and the Holy Grail (that was a lot of blood); and
3. the finale of Disney’s The Black Hole, wherein an ostensibly family-friendly flick suddenly goes medieval and takes a trek through literal Hell. After 80 minutes of cinematic sci-fi — ending with the entire cast being sucked into the eponymous hole — Dr. Hans Reinhardt (Maximilian Schell, Deep Impact), imprisoned within the armor of his killer robot, stands guard over a blasted hellscape as tortured souls trudge down pathways carved into a flaming mountain range.

Today, the scene is a cinematic curiosity, a weird and unforeseen side trek into Christian mythology that barely makes contextual sense. But back then? Schell’s eyes suddenly peering out from the furnace-red eye slit of his mechanical beast damaged the 8-year-old me worse than anything. Forget the Bible; the Hell of The Black Hole is what almost scared me into belief.

blackhole1Past that, The Black Hole is an unbalanced amalgamation of Star Wars, Star Trek, Disney cutesiness and horror. On the plus side, you’ve got an admittedly awesome-looking hole in space, some pretty terrific effects, a terrifying mute demon robot that performs what surely counts as the only disembowelment to appear in a Disney film (bloodless though it is) and a John Barry score better than the film 90 percent of the time and more suitable for Monday Night Football for the other 10.

Veering into the mediocre, there are floating-by-wire R2-D2s (voiced by Roddy McDowell and Slim Pickens, and the most interesting characters); a script as thin as watered-down tapioca; robot soldiers that make the battle droids of Phantom Menace seem like crack shots; and one of those Airport/Poseidon Adventure disaster film “let’s give a bunch of B-movie actors some work” casts: the magnetic Schell, the stern Robert Forster, the perky Yvette Mimieux, the twitchy Anthony Perkins, the grumpy Ernest Borgnine and the takes-up-physical-space Joseph Bottoms. And an ending where the filmmakers must have just thrown up their hands and said, “What the hell, I guess you can breathe in outer space, sure.”

On the whole, not great. But still worth seeing for some startling imagery, fascinatingly manipulative scenes (oh, how my youngest sister bawled when old B.O.B. died), and again, that just balls-out crazy ending. I’ll be good from now on, Daddy! I promise! Don’t let the Satanbot kill me!

P.S.: Is it just me, or is Event Horizon a remake? —Corey Redekop

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Comedy

Kindergarten Ninja (1994)

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kindergartenninjaOnly one film in history is endorsed by California’s San Leandro Police Department — and I mean endorsed via an introduction that’s actually part of the movie, with the police chief addressing the camera when he’s not looking down to read his lines. That lucky sonofabitch is Kindergarten Ninja.

Or, if you prefer, as the DVD label reads in all caps, “KIDNERGARDEN NINJA.”

Former San Francisco 49ers wide receiver and two-time Super Bowl champion Dwight Clark stars as former San Francisco Gold Rush football star Blade Steel, a playboy who manages a stable of at least 10 sex partners, uses “Hey, do you like French fries?” as a surefire pickup line and keeps a cooler of beer in his convertible. The latter helps earn him a DUI, but an argument can be made that fighting outside a Payless ShoeSource marks his true low point — either way, a judge assigns him to 90 days of community service at a children’s sports program.

kindergartenninja1Meanwhile, in heaven, where the likes of Elvis Presley and Charlie Chaplin engage in stick fighting, Bruce Lee (Anthony Chan) must intervene in Blade’s life to become an angel. Thus, at a dojo where everyone drinks Coca-Cola Classic, Blade learns karate from a blind master (George Chung) named the Chosen Wan. Get it?

Such high-kickin’ skills will come in handy when Blade faces Hector Machette (Juan Chapa, Fight to Win), a drug dealer slinging the hot new street narcotic, Buzz. However, the cops aren’t too happy to have Blade’s assistance: “Hey, I don’t need no washed-up wide receiver vigilante tryin’ to play policeman out here.”

kindergartenninja2Needless to say, Blade Steel does not become a ninja as the title hints, and he barely spends any time with the kids. He’s too busy romancing their teacher, Miss Linda (Suzanne Stanke), a goody-two-shoes who’s co-opted Peter Pan’s hairstyle. Together they go to a karaoke club that clearly is some crew member’s living room.

This no-budget, shot-on-video movie will give viewers plenty to laugh at, but not in the way Chan and Chung intended. Doubling as the director and screenwriter, respectively, the two men are in on the joke — it’s just the wrong joke. They think Kindergarten Ninja is hilarious; it’s not. It is painfully inept on all levels imaginable, particularly with its wooden performers. On the scale of gridiron vets turning to acting, Clark may be the worst; by comparison, Hunter‘s Fred Dryer would excite Joseph Papp.

Kindergarten Ninja ends with an unrealized threat (“The End … for now”); a shout-out to Hot 97.7 Radio; and a reel of bloopers, as if the entire project weren’t one in itself. —Rod Lott

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Reading Material

The Horror Hits of Richard Gordon

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horrorgordonPerhaps being British has something to do with it, but Richard Gordon’s name is hardly a household one to fright-film connoisseurs, despite a body of work that would suggest otherwise. While hardly classics, the producer’s 14 films in the horror realm are well-known enough in cult circles that worship such low-budget efforts.

In his book-length interview with the man, author Tom Weaver hopes to change that. Unless I missed it, The Horror Hits of Richard Gordon does not state when the interview(s) took place, but Gordon passed away months after its release, so kudos to Weaver for getting these behind-the-scenes stories when he did.

I mean, it’s not like we need to know the ins, outs, ups and downs of shooting something like 1981’s Inseminoid, but I’m glad we now do.

Published by BearManor Media, Horror Hits is arranged chronologically. Made between 1958 and 1981, each film is introduced with a brief synopsis, followed by a transcript of Weaver and Gordon’s talks, presented in the easy-to-read Q&A format. With little prompting by the author, Gordon touches on all aspects imaginable, from the genesis of each project down to the salaries of all involved. It’s the anecdotes in between, however, that offer the meat, such as Boris Karloff acting like a saint, but Christopher Lee acting like anything but.

Weaver is unafraid to point out plot holes and other shortcomings, and Gordon doesn’t shy away from addressing them, which makes for a refreshing and frank discussion. Some of the questions that spark such talks are priceless, such as this query about 1958’s Fiend Without a Face: “Why do brains have heartbeats in your movie?”

Up until now, I’ve only seen one of the 14 films that make up this heavily illustrated, oversize volume (1970’s utterly bizarre Secrets of Sex), but that soon will change. In other words, prior exposure to these pictures is not required. —Rod Lott

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Sci-Fi & Fantasy

Beowulf (1999)

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beowulfThe classic, Old English epic poem known as Beowulf saw a surprising resurgence in popularity in 1999 with Seamus Heaney’s new translation; that same year’s film adaptation of Beowulf is in no such danger, but its fantasy brand of cheese actually tastes quite enjoyable.

The inhabitants of a big, spooky castle are under constant threat of attack by a ghost demon named Grendle, who likes to eat people. Their saving grace comes in the form of a visiting mysterious stranger named Beowulf, played by Christopher Lambert, Highlander refugee and graduate of the Angry Whisper School of Acting.

beowulf1Beowulf has a gift of sensing danger, so he knows when the monster is near. The beast is mostly a CGI creature given a wavy effect that looks like someone dragged a big magnet across your TV screen. The fight scenes — set to a techno score by Juno Reactor — alternately ape those found in Mortal Kombat, The Matrix and Evil Dead II. Beowulf also busts out some Gymkata fight moves. Assisting Beowulf is a foxy brunette (Rhona Mitra, Underworld: Rise of the Lycans) who has a name, but I didn’t catch it because her bosoms threaten to break free the entire film.

Now, I don’t know how faithful this superheroic take on Beowulf is to the source material, as the piece of literature was a chore to get through in high school, but I’m pretty sure if the castle dudes were being visited in their dreams by a horny Playboy Playmate, I would’ve remembered, and maybe even aced the test. The filmmakers end up dubbing the Playmate (Layla Roberts, Miss October 1997); maybe director Graham Baker (Alien Nation) should’ve done Lambert while they were at it so we could understand him once and for all. —Rod Lott

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Horror

The Ripper (1985)

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ripperThe major problem with The Ripper is not that it’s a Jack the Ripper movie made in Tulsa, Oklahoma, but that it looks like a Jack the Ripper movie made in Tulsa, Oklahoma. Although unrelated in story, it forms an unofficial trilogy with director Christopher Lewis’ other video-lensed, T-Town opuses, Blood Cult and its sequel, Revenge — all full of faults, yet full of fun. This one stands out for the participation of splatter icon Tom Savini — not as a special-effects artist, but as an actor, playing none other than London’s most famous 19th-century serial killer.

Clad in cape and top hat, Savini first appears in the flick’s historical prologue depicting the Ripper’s first murder, complete with English accents and a horse-drawn carriage (and, unfortunately, moving cars and working traffic lights). The tale is being told by Professor Hartwell (Tom Schreier, Dark Before Dawn) to his classroom of college students. Hartwell then picks up his girlfriend, dance prof Carol (Mona Van Pernis), to go antique shopping.

ripper1While Carol negotiates the price of a brass headboard (discussed so much throughout The Ripper that the piece of furniture deserves screen credit), Hartwell is drawn to an ugly red ring that flashes images of the aforementioned prologue in his head. He later returns to purchase it, and can’t get the ring off his finger. The jewelry gives him nightmares and — gasp — turns him left-handed! It also may or may not have implanted the evil spirit of Jack the Ripper inside him, thereby making him responsible for the sudden string of intestines-yanking of several young ladies around the metro area.

While these gross-out scenes aren’t near the level of what Savini can do, they do look good, especially for Super VHS. As with Lewis’ other slashers, they’re the movie’s raison d’être, leaving less attention paid to other elements, like pacing and performances. As Hartwell’s pet student, Revenge killer Wade Tower gets a sex scene with his girlfriend (Andrea Adams, Blood Lake); she remains clothed, but he bares bright-red briefs. Staying in that same color scheme, New Coke abounds as the characters’ drink of choice. —Rod Lott

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