Comedy

Modern Vampires (1998)

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modernvampiresRules of garlic and sunlight rules still apply, but Modern Vampires, from Forbidden Zone director Richard Elfman, is an unconventional vampire film, both fresh and funny.

Here, the bloodsuckers take residence in the Hollywood Roosevelt hotel and visit a nightclub where humans are kept in cages until feeding time. Looking like he finally comprehends the words in a script, Starship Troopers‘ Casper Van Dien stars as Dallas, a cigar-smoking vampire who takes a trailer-trash vamp (Natasha Gregson Wagner, Urban Legend) under his, um, wing.

modernvampires1But the subplot is what really makes this comedy fly: Vampire hunter Dr. Van Helsing (a crazed Rod Steiger, Mars Attacks!) comes to L.A. and is forced to take out an ad to find an assistant. The only applicant is gang member Time Bomb (Gabriel Casseus, Black Dog), a Crip who is at first reluctant to complete the duties of his job: namely, driving a stake through a vampire’s heart. “Man, I’m on probation!” he protests. “I don’t wanna fuck that up!”

Count Dracula himself is played by Robert Pastorelli (TV’s Murphy Brown), while other creatures of the night are Udo Kier and Kim Cattrall. Yep, she’s slutty in this one, too, and when she’s raped by gang members, they turn into the world’s first black vampires — a distinction of which they’re awfully proud. This humorous take on the vampire legend was written by the talented Matthew Bright, who infused equal amounts of humor and horror into his wicked Little Red Riding Hood update, 1996’s Freeway. —Rod Lott

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Action

Malibu Express (1985)

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malibuexpressAs the first to arrive in Andy Sidaris’ dirty dozen of independently produced films, Malibu Express stands as one of his most entertaining works, beginning right with the opening credits, typed directly onto a Commodore 64-esque computer monitor by some woman with extra-long fingernails and who licks her lips suggestively. The next 90 minutes are like the best-ever Magnum P.I. episode, but with the added value of bare breasts.

Darby Hinton (Firecracker) stars as Cody Abilene, a rock-dumb, affable private investigator who’s a poor shot with his gun, but a bullseye with the ladies. I can’t even begin to tell you what the convoluted plot is all about, but I can tell you it involves all of the following:
• a shapely race car driver named June Khnockers (Lynda Wiesmeier, Avenging Angel), who gets horny at 180 mph;
• a drag queen who performs at a club called the Screaming Cockatoo;
• a ditzy housekeeper named Maid Marian (Robyn Hilton, Blazing Saddles);
malibuexpress1• a trio of thugs christened with the biblical monikers of Matthew, Mark and Luke;
• cornpone Hee Haw humor;
• horrible country music that makes the series’ later Cynthia Brimhall pop ballads seem like Andrew Lloyd Webber by comparison;
• heavy doses of blackmail and murder;
• heavier doses of good ol’ T&A;
• a not-like-Hitchcock cameo by Sidaris himself;
• and a special appearance by Regis and Joy Philbin, playing themselves!

Howling II‘s Sybil Danning has an all-too-brief nude scene as a European contessa whose costumes barely conceal her shapely bosoms, and Playboy Playmates Kimberly McArthur and Barbara Edwards make equally eye-popping appearances — the latter serving coffee while topless to Cody. (Note to self: Start drinking coffee.) —Rod Lott

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Horror

Piranha Part Two: The Spawning (1981)

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piranhaIIPerhaps James Cameron shouldn’t be so quick to disown Piranha Part Two: The Spawning, his directorial debut, because with the exception of all things technical, it’s better than Avatar. Oh, it’s super-cheesy, all right, but so was Avatar with its blue cat-people and their sex tails and Leona Lewis ballads.

Related only in name to the Roger Corman-produced, Joe Dante-directed Piranha of three years prior, this Italian-financed, Jamaican-shot sequel takes place at the Caribbean island resort Club Elysium. Former marine biologist Anne Kimbrough (Tricia O’Neil, The Gumball Rally) lives and works there as a diving instructor, taking hotel guests down into the deep blue sea. Making her job difficult, if not endangered, is the sudden appearance of the title’s school of killer fish.

piranhaII1Its mistakes number into the double digits, but where Piranha Part Two errs primarily is in failing to include what made the original flick work: self-parody, not to mention humor in general. As if to compensate, Cameron’s sequel takes a page from innovations in feminine hygiene products and fits his fish with wings. This mutant breed of piranha flies. While in flight, they tweet like canaries. This makes the attack scenes sillier than usual, whether the toothy swimmers are making lunch meat out of a morgue nurse, two sailing Penthouse Pets or any of the guests engaged in some stupid beach ritual that requires them to carry torches as they walk toward the shoreline and chant, “We want fish! We want fish! We want fish!”

They get fish. In the face.

Practically matching the kills scene for scene are instances of T&A, beginning with the scuba-sex prologue. Nudity is fairly rare in Cameron’s world, and never this gratuitous, but even if Lance Henriksen weren’t onboard playing a boat-driving police chief, you can draw a direct line from several Piranha Part Two shots to Cameron’s The Abyss, Titanic and Aliens. —Rod Lott

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Reading Material

Gods of Grindhouse: Interviews with Exploitation Filmmakers

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godsgrindhouseUnderstandably, Andrew J. Rausch just can’t seem to pull himself away from Herschell Gordon Lewis. Having co-authored a book with Lewis last year in the heartily recommended The Godfather of Gore Speaks, Rausch wrangles Lewis once more as a participant in Gods of Grindhouse, a collection of interviews with 16 notable filmmakers, almost all known best for their work as directors.

I’ll state my one caveat right upfront since it’s right there in the alliterative title: While synonymous, the term “grindhouse” is not always interchangeable with “cult movies.” That quibble aside, I had an absolute blast with this book from Bear Manor Media. I read it in one sitting, in roughly the time it takes it watch any given one of the guys’ most memorable flicks.

Although all 16 interviews adhere to the Q-and-A format, not all of the Qs stem from Rausch’s mind. He interviews Lewis, Night of the Living Dead co-creator John A. Russo and multihyphenates Roger Corman and Larry Cohen; the rest of the talks come from a dozen others. Lengths vary and all but two have been published elsewhere previously. That turned out not to be a problem, as I had read only one previously: Mike White’s conversation with Wacko‘s Greydon Clark.

Kicking off Gods, Brian Layne speaks with Full Moon Pictures emperor Charles Band, which is nice to see because one rarely, if ever, finds Band in these sorts of things. Among the rest of the paperback’s contents, certain pieces stand out, including:
• Frank Henenlotter bemoaning his own job on Basket Case 3: The Progeny;
• Bill Rebane detailing how he started shooting The Giant Spider Invasion without the benefit of, y’know, money;
• and Ray Dennis Steckler decrying Mystery Science Theater 3000‘s episode of his Incredibly Strange Creatures Who Stopped Living and Became Mixed-Up
Zombies as “just disgusting” and “anti-Semitic” (!).

Also grilled about their careers — although not always in full — are David F. Friedman, Jack Hill, Lloyd Kaufman, William Lustig, Russ Meyer, Ted V. Mikels (of course he’s pictured with that god-awful boar’s-tooth necklace) and, the odd man out of the group, Alejandro Jodorowsky. Posters and photos pepper the pages.

After reading Gods of Grindhouse, you may find yourself filling your free time with viewings of some of the films mentioned. This should be listed on the back cover as a possible side effect. —Rod Lott

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Contests

Wanna Win A Boy and His Dog?

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boyhisdogUPDATE: Winner is Tony Ungawa!

We’re giving away a copy of A Boy and His Dog on Blu-ray and DVD to one lucky summabitch in these United States of America. How to enter? Easy!

Just leave a relevant comment on any review on this site before next Saturday, Aug. 31. That’s when one lucky commenter will be picked at random to have this movie shipped to his or her door. Winner will be notified via email, so make sure the email address you leave to comment is a valid one.

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