Abby (1974)

abbyOf all the imitators spawned in the wake of 1973’s The Exorcist, why did Warner Bros. legally suppress Abby? It is hardly a Xerox, even if director William Girdler (Grizzly) attempts an uncomfortable medical-test scene and also has his possessed protagonist orally expel fluids — not pea-soup vomit, but that watery foam my shih tzu yaks up on the carpet instead of the tile.

Abby is infamous for being the blaxploitation genre’s take on William Friedkin’s aforementioned film, following other Afro-centric boogeyman-benders as Blacula, Blackenstein and Dr. Black, Mr. Hyde. (I guess The Blaxoricst was deemed too crass?) The God-fearing Abby (Carol Speed, The Big Bird Cage) and her reverend hubby, Emmett (Terry Carter, Foxy Brown), move into a new home while Emmett’s dad, Prof. Williams (William Marshall, the two-time Blacula), investigates a cave in Nigeria that once was the site of black-magic rituals. In doing so, he opens a box that unleashes a demonic spirit that somehow — Girdler does not explain it — enters Abby’s body half a world away, causing her to masturbate in the shower.

abby1At first, signs of her soul takeover are fairly benign, like stuff blowing around the room — the kind of paranormal activity that can be defeated with a paperweight. But then shit gets real as Abby deliberately slices open her arm with a knife, curses in a deep voice (“I’m not your ho!”), kicks Emmett in the nuts and laughs about it, and tries to hump the male clientele at her marriage counseling office — a real practice-killer, that. The prof hurries home to play Max Von Sydow to his son’s Jason Miller before this Linda Blair lays every dude in a bar within a six-block radius. The devil literally made her do it!

A step above Girdler’s usual level of awfulness begets entertainment, as Abby turns out rather well, rip-off or not; “opportunist” is a more correct term for the director than “thief.” Marshall is, as always, a commanding presence, and it’s as if the rest of the main cast rose to the task. Speed delivers a solid and sympathetic performance, except when she is called upon for lip-and-tongue action, and as brothers, Carter and Austin Stoker (John Carpenter’s Assault on Precinct 13) make an appealing pair of grounded heroic Everymen. Cartoon voice actor Bob Holt deserves some credit for embodying Satan’s pipes in order to sell Abby’s Ol’ Scratch routine, but I’ve got to give it up to Girdler: His not-quite-subliminal cuts of the demon’s face register as legitimately disturbing. —Rod Lott

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Dirty Sanchez: The Movie (2006)

dirtysanchezShould you be fortunate enough not to know the meaning of the term “dirty Sanchez,” I want to tell you two things:
1. Hi, Mom!
2. You will abhor this movie.

And if the phrase does reside within your vocabulary bank, you may abhor it anyway. As far as I know, Dirty Sanchez: The Movie is the only DVD release to come with its own branded barf bag, tucked into the case; its inclusion is fitting.

What the Jackass crew is to America, the Dirty Sanchez boys are to Great Britain, except that I truly love the Jackass movies. Among the four rabble-rousers of Sanchez, none possesses the likability of a Johnny Knoxville to help mitigate the utter douchebaggery of others. Combined with thought going into the pranks, having a Knoxville on the team makes all the difference. (The Jackass solo projects of Steve-O and especially Bam Margera support this theory.)

dirtysanchez1To quote one of the multitatted Sanchez-ers, “God, you kids will do some stupid things.” And not a one works as funny.

Those things include piercing a fingernail with a dart, squirting chili sauce into the eyes, Super Glue-ing one’s nostrils shut, shooting a pellet gun at one’s own penis and other acts of bodily harm. Unlike Jackass, this gang targets only one another; gone and missed are elaborate, Allen Funt-flavored gags that involve unsuspecting members of the public. (Sanchez plays “Guess the Ladyboy” in Thailand, but those dancers are willing participants, right down to showing the dong.)

In their place? Straight-up urinating — full stream ahead — on a slumbering cohort and allowing one’s face to be the recipient of another man’s shat-out beer enema. The “highlight” centers around one Sanchez teammate submitting to liposuction while awake, and the resulting sucked-out fat later gets knocked back in a shot glass and slurped up with a spoon. Of course the waste doesn’t stay down long, being vomited back up and into a waiting bucket; such is the circle of life. —Rod Lott

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Popcorn (1991)

popcornPopcorn exhibits a deep, abiding love for the movies: the content, the concessions, the venues, the experience. That it does so within the constraints of a slasher film severely limits its audience, both then and now. Their loss.

Hungry for funding, a class of film students decides to put on a one-night-only triple feature of horror — or, as teacher Tony Roberts (Amityville 3-D) pronounces it, “har-ar.” The B titles selected for exhibition in the abandoned Dream Land theater all were released originally with William Castle-style gimmicks, which the kids aim to recreate with full ballyhoo:
• Mosquito!, an Atomic Age tale of giant-bug rampage, in the three dimensions of “Project-O-Vision”;
• The Amazing Electrified Man, a black-and-white Poverty Row shocker with Tingler-esque wired seats, aka “Shock-O-Scope”; and
• The Stench, a Japanese sci-fi stink bomb in “Aroma-Rama.”

popcorn1While cleaning up for the night of 1,000 frights, the students unearth a dusty reel of an avant-garde short made by acid-tripping cultist Lanyard Gates (makeup artist Matt Falls). Years ago, the guy killed his family at the Dream Land screening of his film. While his body never was identified, good-girl student Maggie (Jill Schoelen, 1987’s The Stepfather) recognizes him as the star of her recurring nightmares. The reason why will be as evident to viewers as the identity of the killer punching the tickets of those in attendance.

Although equal time is not in the cards, Popcorn’s punch comes less from the villain and more from the movies-within-the-movie, pieces of each we see projected with tongue planted firmly in cheek. Director Mark Herrier (aka Billy from the Porky’s trilogy) took just enough care to make the fake films look enough like the real deal … or perhaps the credit is due to Popcorn’s original kernel colonel, Deranged’s Alan Ormsby, who wrote the script, but was fired from helming after production began. Whoever deserves the applause, Joe Dante took the facsimile-flick idea to an even more nostalgic degree just two years later in his underrated Matinee, but of course, he had the means (read: studio budget) to provide such a polish.

Smarter than it gets credit for, Popcorn is able to do a lot with a little. While it would be interesting to see the result with more money and less behind-the-scenes turmoil, what we’re left with is worth its weight in artificial butter. —Rod Lott

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Superfast! (2015)

superfastOne good joke can be found in Superfast!, a super-crappy comedy you should avoid, so I’m going to “spoil” the bit: A police dispatcher is heard saying, “We’ve got a black guy in a white neighborhood minding his own business. All units respond.”

There. Ninety-nine minutes of your life has been saved. No need to thank me; it’s what I do.

In their first parody flick since 2013’s The Starving Games, gruesome twosome Jason Friedberg and Aaron Seltzer apply their razor-dull wit to spoof the Fast and the Furious franchise — largely the 2001 original and 2011’s Fast Five. Whichever chapter of that series is your least favorite, rest assured it is miles upon miles better — and funnier — than this flaccid enterprise. There is not enough nitrous oxide in the world to convince me otherwise.

superfast1So unimaginative are Friedberg and Seltzer that the main characters share the same first names as the F&F actors whose roles they’re making fun of: The Vin Diesel character here is named Vin; the Michelle Rodriguez character is named Michelle, and so on. The exception is the Paul Walker character, who gets rechristened Lucas, presumably out of respect for the too-soon dead. Vin (Dale Pavinksi, Takers) is cross-eyed and chrome-domed; Lucas (Alex Ashbaugh, The Canyons) drives a rainbows-and-unicorns-emblazoned car with an “I Brake for Hugs” bumper sticker; and Michelle (Andrea Navedo, Porn ’n Chicken) is a barely closeted lesbian, because ha-ha.

With throwaway jabs at Pitch Perfect and the Grand Theft Auto video games that land as well a gymnast with no depth perception, Superfast! is like all the other Friedberg/Seltzer mockery movies, including Vampires Suck and Meet the Spartans: It aims low — at Cracked magazine-level — and misses even that. —Rod Lott

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The Argento Syndrome

argentosyndromeAs a fan of Dario Argento myself, I feel as if Derek Botelho wrote The Argento Syndrome just for me. Although Maitland McDonagh’s Broken Mirrors/Broken Minds is arguably the definitive book on the director famously dubbed (and derided) as “the Italian Hitchcock,” Botelho’s has the edge for pure entertainment value. Both books are musts for the filmmaker’s followers, as each takes a different tact.

While Botelho curiously fails to delineate Argento’s films on a year-by-year timeline, he covers Argento’s directorial efforts chronologically. Whether largely or nominally giallo (with one sex comedy sticking out like a sore penis), each movie merits its own chapter, from 1970’s wildly influential The Bird with the Crystal Plumage to 2012’s imperfect but harshly judged Dracula 3D.

The result? A thoroughly winning, armchair-style examination of a distinguished career, supplemented by wonderfully stylistic illustrations by Micha Maté to introduce each chapter and interviews of key players when the author could get them. Bonus points are due to Botelho for including Argento’s TV work, particularly 1973’s four-episode Door into Darkness anthology series, and for actually having something to say. Sadly, many indie film books lack this latter element, opting instead for fanboy service instead of genuine introspection.

Published by Bear Manor Media in a oversized paperback format as splashy as the director’s saturated colors, The Argento Syndrome sports a nifty design that complements the text. Only one thing bugged me about Botelho’s book: the chapters in which he recounts his face-to-face meetings with Argento and his famous daughter, Asia (xXx). These come off too starstruck, which I’m guessing was not the first-time author’s intent; the problem is not a fatal one because he calls Argento’s turds when he sees them, so his objectivity appears to remain intact. —Rod Lott

Get it at Amazon or Bear Manor Media.

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