Into the Grizzly Maze (2015)

intogrizzlySeven years after fleeing his Alaskan hometown, prodigal son Rowan (James Marsden, X-Men: Days of Future Past) returns, only to step in a big ol’ mess of animal instincts. “Would that,” you ask, “involve going Into the Grizzly Maze?” To that query, I respond rhetorically (and obviously), does a bear shit in the woods?

His estranged brother, Beckett (Thomas Jane, Deep Blue Sea), among them, the local po-po are busy investigating deaths in the forest caused by a giant grizzly, “portrayed” by an actual bear whose billing sits higher than co-star Billy Bob Thornton. Beckett needs Rowan’s help in retrieving his wife (Piper Perabo, Looper), who’s not only oblivious to being in danger because she’s taking nature photos at the time, but also because she happens to be deaf, thereby greatly upping her chances of becoming one super supper of all-white meat. (Admit it: It’s weird the grizzly has more lines than the damsel in distress.)

intogrizzly1Hired by the sheriff’s department, Thornton’s straight-faced bear tapper sums up the situation at hand — and, by extension, the entire film: “This isn’t your average bear. It’s a clever bear. … You’ve never met a bear like this before. … I’m just tellin’ ya.”

What he doesn’t tell ya is that this wilderness thriller plays like a high-gloss, kitsch-stripped update of William Girdler’s 1976 cult hit Grizzly, which itself was a furry take on Jaws for the Cabela’s crowd. While adept enough at staging suspense, director David Hackl seems more interested in ending each set piece with an act of gore, each so wet and lingered upon that they would not be out-of-place in Hackl’s previous film, Saw V. Because these bits are largely (and admirably) practical rather than digital, they convince enough to wince; same goes for the clawed beast serving as Maze’s maker of mayhem.

Although unlikely to leave any lasting impressions, the movie is absorbing as a paper towel dropped on the puddle of dog urine found on the dining room floor, but without applying pressure: not ideal, but works for the time being. —Rod Lott

Get it at Amazon.

Angst (1983)

angst83Angst has bounce. That’s because for some of the running time, the camera is attached to the German-language film’s lead character. A certifiable psychopath, he’s not the kind of person to whom you would wish to be so close.

Played by Erwin Leder (Das Boot), who narrates almost the entire picture, the normal-looking man is, in actuality, an evil brute whose uncontrollable urge to torture humans bubbles over mere minutes after being released from a 10-year prison stint for murder; he had chosen a random house and, just for the hell of it, pulled a gun and point-blank executed the elderly woman who made the unfortunate mistake of answering the door.

angst831Now freed from bars once more, he’s got that itch that really needs scratching, and finds it in a fairly secluded home occupied by a small family that includes a wheelchair-bound young man who drools uncontrollably. Thus begins the “meat” of the movie: a triple murder played out in excruciating, graphic detail and violence that escalates to vile.

It’s revolting enough early in the film to see an extreme close-up of the psychopath tear into a sausage like an animal; it’s near-unbearable — those with a weak constitution should nix the “near-” — to witness what is essentially a how-to piece. Director/co-writer Gerald Kargl never made another picture before or since, so at least his lone foray into features is unforgettable — just not in the way the populace likes. Based on real-life events, it’s tough and uncompromising and hardly “entertainment.” Aided and abetted by Tangerine Dream co-founder Klaus Schulze’s score and with astute, dark-humored details such as a dog chewing on the dentures knocked out of an old woman’s mouth, Angst has artistry that can be acknowledged while simultaneously loathing the work as a whole. —Rod Lott

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Lake Placid vs. Anaconda (2015)

lakeplacidvsanacondaAlien vs. Predator comes off as high art next to the monster mash-up Lake Placid vs. Anaconda, a melding of two franchises I’d bet the average moviegoer doesn’t realize were franchises; with the exception of the 2004 flop Anacondas: The Hunt for the Blood Orchid, all six sequels bypassed theaters. That includes this one, the not-so-fab fifth chapter for each.

Its setup is highly labored, with a scientist delivering much fact-filled exposition in a valiant attempt at justifying the flick’s joint meeting of creature features. But really, all you need to know are these three sentences:
1. There’s a giant crocodile.
2. There’s a giant anaconda.
3. They get loose.

Representing Team Placid is feisty Sheriff Reba (Witchblade’s Yancy Butler, from 2010’s Lake Placid 3 and 2012’s Lake Placid: The Final Chapter, which obviously flat-out lied). To combat the critters run amok here, she joins forces with a U.S. Fish and Wildlife Service warden (Corin Nemec, Mansquito) and, reluctantly, an opportunistic local guide (Robert Englund, ditching his Freddy Krueger gloves for an eyepatch and peg leg to reprise his Final Chapter role) who knows his way around the woods.

As luck would have it (for any teen boys watching, that is), Delta Phi Beta sorority girls specializing in vocal fry and petty bitchiness are on hand to haze pledges at the beach where the croc and snake lurk. You will root for the species other than human. Mmm-mmm, snacks!

First-time director A.B. Stone (*sniff sniff* — I smell pseudonym) and screenwriter Berkeley Anderson (Robocroc, and I swear that’s real) play the lax proceedings for a big joke, perhaps hoping to latch onto this country’s inexplicable love for all things Sharknado. Like those movies, the gags aren’t funny. The only laughs Lake Placid vs. Anaconda earns are not the ones it intended, as the CGI effects are third-rate on a scale with only two levels. Neither the anaconda nor the Lake Placid crocodile looks any better than what free iPhone apps can create, and your time is better served playing around with those. —Rod Lott

Get it at Amazon.

Guest List: Stephen Romano’s Top 10 Films of Obsession, Deception and Survival

metroKnown to cult-film buffs as the man behind 2008’s amazing grindhouse tribute book, Shock Festival (and its accompanying gotta-get DVD companion set), Stephen Romano recently made the move into novelist with such well-received works as the thriller Resurrection Express, the supernatural Black Light and now, Metro.

My new novel, Metro, is about a group of young pop-culture bloggers and film nerds who find out that someone among them is actually a ruthless hitman, trained from birth to blend into his environment, ready to be activated at any moment. And when that person finally goes rogue to protect his friends in a night of bloody horror, nothing will ever be the same for any of them. It’s a story that asks the loaded questions: Are your friends who they seem to be? How many endemic spies and assassins walk among us? And when the cloak reveals the dagger, what would it take to break the conditioning of such an assassin?

Continue reading Guest List: Stephen Romano’s Top 10 Films of Obsession, Deception and Survival

Wyrmwood: Road of the Dead (2014)

wyrmwoodThere are two things the Aussies do better than anyone else: deep-frying an entire onion and, perhaps a bit healthier, post-apocalyptic vehicular manslaughter. And while they might not come with a spicy dipping sauce, these futuristic glimpses at highway hellfire have changed an entire subgenre of film for almost four decades now.

For those still riding on the chrome-huffing high of Mad Max: Fury Road, here’s the turbo-charged living dead spin on the end of the world, Wyrmwood. Too bad that after a hi-octane, bang-up intro, the thing just sputters and fizzles out like the cheap lemon it is.

wyrmwood1What we got here is a trio of diverse pals, clad in sporting gear and desperately trying to survive the zombie apocalypse, as you do. The plague that has created the walking dead, however, has also managed to nonsensically render all fuel useless. Meanwhile, across town, a mad doctor is experimenting on the reanimated corpses, as well as the few random living survivors, including the sister of one of the aforementioned three amigos.

In a real unique turn of events, not only is said sister turned into a half-living, half-dead being, but one that has complete mental control over all the shambling decayers in her immediate area. And, if that weren’t a big enough twist, turns out that zombies can now be used for fuel, which provides some great comedic relief, but does little to move forward an already convoluted tale.

Wyrmwood: Road of the Dead is paved with good intentions, but, in the process of trying to be so original, director Kiah Roache-Turner forgot the most important element: a living, breathing plot to back all of this creativity up. Still, it’s got enough cool-looking set pieces and thoughtful action sequences that any viewer low on juice will be entertained enough to keep their foot off the breaks and finger off the fast-forward. —Louis Fowler

Get it at Amazon.

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