Angst (1983)

angst83Angst has bounce. That’s because for some of the running time, the camera is attached to the German-language film’s lead character. A certifiable psychopath, he’s not the kind of person to whom you would wish to be so close.

Played by Erwin Leder (Das Boot), who narrates almost the entire picture, the normal-looking man is, in actuality, an evil brute whose uncontrollable urge to torture humans bubbles over mere minutes after being released from a 10-year prison stint for murder; he had chosen a random house and, just for the hell of it, pulled a gun and point-blank executed the elderly woman who made the unfortunate mistake of answering the door.

angst831Now freed from bars once more, he’s got that itch that really needs scratching, and finds it in a fairly secluded home occupied by a small family that includes a wheelchair-bound young man who drools uncontrollably. Thus begins the “meat” of the movie: a triple murder played out in excruciating, graphic detail and violence that escalates to vile.

It’s revolting enough early in the film to see an extreme close-up of the psychopath tear into a sausage like an animal; it’s near-unbearable — those with a weak constitution should nix the “near-” — to witness what is essentially a how-to piece. Director/co-writer Gerald Kargl never made another picture before or since, so at least his lone foray into features is unforgettable — just not in the way the populace likes. Based on real-life events, it’s tough and uncompromising and hardly “entertainment.” Aided and abetted by Tangerine Dream co-founder Klaus Schulze’s score and with astute, dark-humored details such as a dog chewing on the dentures knocked out of an old woman’s mouth, Angst has artistry that can be acknowledged while simultaneously loathing the work as a whole. —Rod Lott

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Lake Placid vs. Anaconda (2015)

lakeplacidvsanacondaAlien vs. Predator comes off as high art next to the monster mash-up Lake Placid vs. Anaconda, a melding of two franchises I’d bet the average moviegoer doesn’t realize were franchises; with the exception of the 2004 flop Anacondas: The Hunt for the Blood Orchid, all six sequels bypassed theaters. That includes this one, the not-so-fab fifth chapter for each.

Its setup is highly labored, with a scientist delivering much fact-filled exposition in a valiant attempt at justifying the flick’s joint meeting of creature features. But really, all you need to know are these three sentences:
1. There’s a giant crocodile.
2. There’s a giant anaconda.
3. They get loose.

Representing Team Placid is feisty Sheriff Reba (Witchblade’s Yancy Butler, from 2010’s Lake Placid 3 and 2012’s Lake Placid: The Final Chapter, which obviously flat-out lied). To combat the critters run amok here, she joins forces with a U.S. Fish and Wildlife Service warden (Corin Nemec, Mansquito) and, reluctantly, an opportunistic local guide (Robert Englund, ditching his Freddy Krueger gloves for an eyepatch and peg leg to reprise his Final Chapter role) who knows his way around the woods.

As luck would have it (for any teen boys watching, that is), Delta Phi Beta sorority girls specializing in vocal fry and petty bitchiness are on hand to haze pledges at the beach where the croc and snake lurk. You will root for the species other than human. Mmm-mmm, snacks!

First-time director A.B. Stone (*sniff sniff* — I smell pseudonym) and screenwriter Berkeley Anderson (Robocroc, and I swear that’s real) play the lax proceedings for a big joke, perhaps hoping to latch onto this country’s inexplicable love for all things Sharknado. Like those movies, the gags aren’t funny. The only laughs Lake Placid vs. Anaconda earns are not the ones it intended, as the CGI effects are third-rate on a scale with only two levels. Neither the anaconda nor the Lake Placid crocodile looks any better than what free iPhone apps can create, and your time is better served playing around with those. —Rod Lott

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Guest List: Stephen Romano’s Top 10 Films of Obsession, Deception and Survival

metroKnown to cult-film buffs as the man behind 2008’s amazing grindhouse tribute book, Shock Festival (and its accompanying gotta-get DVD companion set), Stephen Romano recently made the move into novelist with such well-received works as the thriller Resurrection Express, the supernatural Black Light and now, Metro.

My new novel, Metro, is about a group of young pop-culture bloggers and film nerds who find out that someone among them is actually a ruthless hitman, trained from birth to blend into his environment, ready to be activated at any moment. And when that person finally goes rogue to protect his friends in a night of bloody horror, nothing will ever be the same for any of them. It’s a story that asks the loaded questions: Are your friends who they seem to be? How many endemic spies and assassins walk among us? And when the cloak reveals the dagger, what would it take to break the conditioning of such an assassin?

Continue reading Guest List: Stephen Romano’s Top 10 Films of Obsession, Deception and Survival

Wyrmwood: Road of the Dead (2014)

wyrmwoodThere are two things the Aussies do better than anyone else: deep-frying an entire onion and, perhaps a bit healthier, post-apocalyptic vehicular manslaughter. And while they might not come with a spicy dipping sauce, these futuristic glimpses at highway hellfire have changed an entire subgenre of film for almost four decades now.

For those still riding on the chrome-huffing high of Mad Max: Fury Road, here’s the turbo-charged living dead spin on the end of the world, Wyrmwood. Too bad that after a hi-octane, bang-up intro, the thing just sputters and fizzles out like the cheap lemon it is.

wyrmwood1What we got here is a trio of diverse pals, clad in sporting gear and desperately trying to survive the zombie apocalypse, as you do. The plague that has created the walking dead, however, has also managed to nonsensically render all fuel useless. Meanwhile, across town, a mad doctor is experimenting on the reanimated corpses, as well as the few random living survivors, including the sister of one of the aforementioned three amigos.

In a real unique turn of events, not only is said sister turned into a half-living, half-dead being, but one that has complete mental control over all the shambling decayers in her immediate area. And, if that weren’t a big enough twist, turns out that zombies can now be used for fuel, which provides some great comedic relief, but does little to move forward an already convoluted tale.

Wyrmwood: Road of the Dead is paved with good intentions, but, in the process of trying to be so original, director Kiah Roache-Turner forgot the most important element: a living, breathing plot to back all of this creativity up. Still, it’s got enough cool-looking set pieces and thoughtful action sequences that any viewer low on juice will be entertained enough to keep their foot off the breaks and finger off the fast-forward. —Louis Fowler

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The Bride and the Beast (1958)

bridebeastEd Wood didn’t direct The Bride and the Beast; he “only” wrote it. One really can’t tell the difference, as the film is stamped with the Plan 9 auteur’s brand of incompetence all around.

The bride of the title is Laura (Charlotte Austin, Gorilla at Large), newly married to Dan (Lance Fuller, This Island Earth). However, her hubby is not the beast … but he does keep it caged in his basement! And by “it,” we mean his gorilla. (Yes, gorilla.) It is named Spanky. (Yes, Spanky.)

Captured as a baby, the now fully grown Spanky is due to be shipped to the zoo in a week’s time. Wasting no precious moments, the big ape goes so agog at the sight of lovely Laura, he bends the bars of his cage! The fascination is mutual, as Laura — sleeping in her twin bed, separate from Dan — dreams of having her nightgown ripped off by Spanky. Even awake, she can’t quite contain her obsession, which stems — as hypnosis reveals — from the suppressed fact that she used to be gorilla herself in a previous life.

bridebeast1Ah, but of course! The way it’s written, it makes perfect sense … if your name were Ed Wood. The way it plays out onscreen, guided by The Amazing Exploits of the Clutching Hand serial producer Adrian Weiss in his only feature gig as director, it makes zero sense, which is the only reason The Bride and the Beast didn’t disappear into mere memories. The pic is Woodsian through and through, as exemplified by:
• obvious day-for-night shots, made all the more jarring by a storm that’s supposed to be taking place;
• a variety of mismatched stock footage for the second half’s jungle scenes, some of which are negatively exposed;
• the man-vs.-tiger wrestling match, in which the cat clearly is a stuffed animal; and
• suspect science, including Dan’s outright untruth that the tarantula is “as deadly as the lion’s fang and the elephant’s foot.”

We also can’t discount the howler of an ending, which finds newlywed Dan suddenly back to bachelorhood as Laura rejoins the apes as their rightful queen. To think of the activities that await her and Spanky in private is … is … well, it’s an image I don’t want seared in my brain. Moviegoers who paid good money in 1958 to catch The Bride and the Beast in theaters must have found it a safari on the regret level of Cecil the Lion. —Rod Lott

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