Southbound (2015)

southboundSouthbound represents a logical extension for the guys and gals behind the V/H/S series: another indie-horror anthology featuring work from the likes of Roxanne Benjamin and the Radio Silence collective, but the rare omnibus that dares to ditch the rickety wraparound device in favor of a seamless flow of one story into another. They number five in all, concluding with something of a mind-blower.

With filmmaker Larry Fessenden (2013’s Beneath) acting as a radio DJ — our ersatz Wolfman Jack, yet neither seen nor consulted — the movie opens on a stretch of highway in the middle of nowhere, as two guys specked with blood are on the run from … something, yet caught in a Möbius strip. Their maddening journey gives way to a riot grrrl band stranded, thanks to a blowout on their VW van, only to be “rescued” by a very odd couple.

southbound1Southbound peaks with the middle tale, “The Accident,” in which another unlucky motorist (Mather Zickel, I Love You, Man) attempts to save a downed pedestrian by performing emergency surgery, assisted only by instructions given to him over the phone. Written and directed by David Bruckner (2007’s The Signal), the scene builds from nervousness to an agonizing intensity. Anything following that would be at a disadvantage, but “Jailbreak” from Patrick Horvath (The Pact II) is a letdown either way — the only dud of the bunch. Not to worry, as the pleasure of terror quickly snaps back into place with a You’re Next-level home invasion, with a kick. And what a kick!

Admittedly, Southbound is not styled for mass-audience consumption. For starters, it refuses to dish out full details or satisfy your curiosity about every question it raises; it assumes you are smart enough to fill in the blanks, even if what unfolds before your eyes gives the finger to laws of nature. —Rod Lott

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Komodo (1999)

komodoAfter a Komodo dragon was utilized to wondrous comic effect in 1990’s The Freshman — stealing the show from stars Marlon Brando and Matthew Broderick — it’s tough to find the lizard threatening. It’s even tough to do so after watching the dreadful Komodo, in which three or four of these oversized reptiles menace a sparsely populated island.

The lone directorial outing for Michael Lantieri, who had won a much-deserved Oscar for Jurassic Park’s special effects a half-decade prior, the straight-to-VHS film begins with a Komodo eating a dog and its entire vacationing human family, save for one spooked teenage boy (Kevin Zegers, Wrong Turn). A year later, renegade psychiatrist Victoria (Jill Hennessey, Exit Wounds) thinks it’d be good therapy to return the emotionally troubled lad to the scene of the slaughter. Of course, she doesn’t realize the Komodos have called dibs on the turf, and not even her deep and manly speaking voice can turn them away.

komodo1The dragons are all-artificial, including computer-animated — mostly pretty well, surprisingly. But the story by Anaconda’s Hans Bauer and Milo’s Craig Mitchell is so routine and connect-the-dots, it might as well not have killer animals in it at all. However, I confess to enjoying the scene in which a dragon appears to dry-hump a moving station wagon. Needs are needs. —Rod Lott

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Confessions of a Police Captain (1971)

confessionpoliceIn a performance finer than required, an apelike Martin Balsam (Psycho) stars as unscrupulous police commissario Bonavia in Confessions of a Police Captain, a Eurocrime effort better known to denizens of the wonderful world of bargain-bin DVD collections as Bad Cop I. The renaming forces a nonexistent connection to Bad Cop II, which is actually 1983’s unrelated Corrupt. Got that?

Get this: Bonavia gets into hot water when he orders the release of mental patient, knowing the kook will go try to kill a crooked construction company owner. The loony tries and fails, thus opening up a whole can of worms for our cap’n — so much so that he may end up in prison, where he would risk having his food gets spat in and/or his tummy getting shivved during movie time.

confessionpolice1Directed and co-written by Amityville II: The Possession’s Damiano Damiani, Confessions makes for a pretty competent policier, although its surplus of characters eventually wears the viewer thin. The film is very ’70s and very Italian, which is exactly what I liked about it. Sometimes incongruity — e.g. a disturbing ending against a swanky Riz Ortolani score — just works. —Rod Lott

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The Trial of the Incredible Hulk (1989)

trialhulkOne year after The Incredible Hulk Returns debuted to huge ratings, NBC sent the not-so-jolly green giant to court — basically in name only — for The Trial of the Incredible Hulk. Just as cheap, rushed and unintentionally jokey as its predecessor, this telefilm follow-up promoted star Bill Bixby to the director’s chair as well. (All those episodes of Wizards and Warriors paid off! Next stop: Blossom!)

Both Bixby and Lou Ferrigno remain in the roles they originated — Bruce David Banner and Hulk, respectively — in 1978 for CBS’ long-running Incredible Hulk TV series. Shortly after Trial convenes, Banner is arrested for Hulking out on the subway to defend a woman from two thugs. Being a dirt-poor drifter, Banner is assigned a free lawyer. (Think back to when you were last arrested; you were offered the same deal.) Representing Banner is a blind attorney-at-law named Matt Murdock (Rex Smith, Transformations), who, as luck would have it, is also a superhero, spending his nights as Daredevil.

trialhulk1Yet as was the case with the less-than-mighty Thor in Return, this Daredevil is not quite the one we know and love from the decades of Marvel Comics. It looks as if they forgot to make the Daredevil costume and didn’t realize it until the day of shooting, and just covered him in black pantyhose to compensate. Despite such handicaps, he still kicks butt, and leaves his victims with a dose of goody-two-shoes advice like, “Read a book!” (All that’s missing is the Peacock network’s “The More You Know” tag.)

The woman Banner defended is kidnapped by the thugs’ secret evil organization, headed up by the Kingpin (rotund Raiders of the Lost Ark fan fave John Rhys-Davies), who flies away at the end in some crazy jet boat, representing one of the worst optical effects seen on prime-time TV. Oh, and other than a dream sequence that sees Hulk co-creator Stan Lee as a bewildered juror, no trial takes place. —Rod Lott

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Phobia (1980)

phobiaI have a morbid fascination with the efforts of classic-era Hollywood directors who, post-Exorcist’s Oscar and box-office glory, tried their hand at modern horror, too. Perhaps they were always drawn to the genre; perhaps they just wanted to show the big studios that they, too, “could stay hip with the kids.” Whatever their reasoning, they pretty much sucked at it: Arthur Hiller’s Nightwing, John Frankenheimer’s Prophecy and, of course, John Boorman’s most infamous Exorcist II: The Heretic.

Exhibit D, fittingly: Phobia, courtesy of John Huston, the legendary director of certifiable, for-the-ages gems as The Maltese Falcon, The African Queen and The Treasure of the Sierra Madre. Today, there’s good reason Phobia remains forgotten — or perhaps repressed.

phobia1Fresh off a four-year stint playing the top half of TV’s Starsky and Hutch, a sleepy and ineffectual Paul Michael Glaser stars as Dr. Peter Ross, a psychiatrist specializing in helping patients conquer their fears, albeit through highly controversial methods. For example, scared of snakes? Dr. Ross will make you handle one. Terrified of heights? Prepare to traverse the girders of an under-construction building like a trapeze wire. The doc’s problems begin when he takes an agoraphobe prone to severe panic attacks, plops her at the corner of a bustling city street and orders her to walk to his nearby home. When she arrives and he’s not there, a file cabinet goes kablooey, killing her instead of the intended target: Ross. Shit happens.

Over and over it happens — patient after patient, each while confronting his or her own fears — yet all at a ho-hum, humdrum pace. Although working from a story by genre vets Gary Sherman (Raw Meat) and Ronald Shusett (Alien), Huston has no grasp of suspense in this realm, as if it must be treated entirely different from the ways of film noir. (It doesn’t.) Was Huston desperate or just drunk? Either way, the misbegotten, near-worthless Phobia embodies one character’s line of disdainful dialogue: “This whole thing smells to high heaven!” Yep. —Rod Lott

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