Malatesta’s Carnival of Blood (1973)

malatestaNot to be confused with 1970’s Carnival of Blood is Malatesta’s Carnival of Blood. Although the two are similar in subject matter and equally penny-pinching, the Pennsylvania-lensed Malatesta is the only one to feature TV’s Fantasy Island sidekick Hervé Villechaize as Bobo the dwarf. In his initial scene, Villechaize delivers what I expect is fairly helpful exposition, yet he is unintelligible. And with that order of business out of the way …

Inventive and impressive, the regional indie begins with the curiously named Mr. Blood (Jerome Dempsey, Network) giving Mr. and Mrs. Norris the nickel tour of the 20-year-old amusement park he manages. With their teen daughter (one-credit pony Janine Carazo) cruising the midway, the Norrises are there under the pretense of working for the fleapit, but in actuality — sssssssssshhhhh! — are sniffing around for their son, who vanished after a visit.

malestesta1From the outset, the title informs viewers that management is not exactly on the up-and-up, starting with Mr. Blood and extending all the way up the org chart to the owner, Malatesta (Daniel Dietrich, 1978’s Dawn of the Dead). This Manos-esque master serves as the man behind the curtain — the robed ringleader to the murderous hippie cannibals who lurk in the limestone caverns underneath the roller-coaster, the Tunnel of Love and other rundown attractions. Eager for flesh, the hungry freaks snatch the customers right out of their rides like so many crumbs of funnel cake. Explains Mr. Blood, not quite as an apology, “Nobody ever told them eating people was wrong.”

And if eating people is wrong, I don’t wanna be right! In his only feature credit as director, Christopher Speeth (DP on the über-obscure Video Wars) had the good fortune of built-in production value by shooting at Willow Grove’s Six Gun Territory, an actual amusement park just a few years away from extinction. With its behind-the-scenes warehouses and chintzy décor of Visqueen and bubble wrap, the near-decrepit place has a lack of polish that actually works to Malatesta’s benefit and fits right in line with Speeth’s long, handheld takes. Carnival funhouses already operate as nightmarish and hallucinatory — another extant gain for the flick.

Perhaps knowingly compensating for poor acting, Speeth squeezes extra practicality just by having his assemblage of cannibals milling in front of such classic silent horrors (read: public domain) as The Cabinet of Dr. Caligari, Nosferatu, The Hunchback of Notre Dame and The Phantom of the Opera projected onto a wall behind them. As with the movie as a whole, the effect works — and better than you’d think. Ask your doctor if Malatesta is right for you. —Rod Lott

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The Towering Inferno (1974)

toweringinfernoThe Towering Inferno, by the numbers:
• 138 stories, stands San Francisco’s brand-new Glass Tower
• 300 partygoers celebrating this massive erection — the world’s largest
• $2 million saved by going with electric wiring inferior to the architect’s specifications
• one fire caused as a result
• and nearly three hours of star-studded cheese piled eight Oscar nominations high! (Not to mention one crappy tie-in game for the Atari 2600 I nonetheless played endlessly in grade school.)

Directed by John Guillermin (King Kong ’76) and dedicated with a stone face and sans-serif typeface to our nation’s mighty firefighters, Inferno is producer Irwin Allen’s disasterpiece, outdoing his previous smash of The Poseidon Adventure. (As with that 1972 inverted enterprise, Allen entrusted himself to call the shots for Inferno’s “action sequences.”)

toweringinferno1Charming as all fk, Paul Newman (The Sting) is the architect who goes above and beyond to save several soap-opera lives; meanwhile, a haircut-cursed Steve McQueen (Bullitt) is the fire chief who doesn’t show up until 45 minutes have passed. Ironically, the film’s first half is the best half, whereas once the blaze has spread to multiple floors and endangers the wealthy people cutting rugs in the penthouse, the rescue efforts play out twice as long as they should. And yet damned if I don’t tense up every time I watch Newman climb up and down an unraveled staircase railing, which hangs perilously over an open chasm.

The supporting cast reads like a Who’s Who of Airport passengers, even if some of them were not: William Holden, Faye Dunaway, Susan Blakely, Richard Chamberlain and two Roberts, Vaughn and Wagner. Among the various demises, Jennifer Jones (Beat the Devil) definitely gets the most cruel kiss-off, bouncing off a corner of the building on her way down. Her character was on a date with a lonely old man (Fred Astaire, Ghost Story), who at the end, in his charred tuxedo, is clearly disappointed not to find her waiting to continue their courtship. As a consolation, the tower’s head of security (O.J. Simpson, double murderer) hands the man her cat. Symbolism! —Rod Lott

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Movie Freak: My Life Watching Movies

moviefreakFor whatever reason, our nation’s finest film critics have been feeling very nostalgic of late, writing books that look back on their entire careers. In 2014, Kenneth Turan gave us Not to Be Missed: Fifty-Four Favorites from a Lifetime of Film; Richard Schickel followed in 2015 with Keepers: The Greatest Films — and Personal Favorites — of a Moviegoing Lifetime; and now 2016 brings us Owen Gleiberman’s Movie Freak: My Life Watching Movies.

I don’t mean to suggest Gleiberman has latched himself onto a bandwagon like an opportunist caboose — far from it. In fact, he has surpassed those efforts of his better-known, longer-at-it peers, both of whose works I loved reading. By infusing their decades-encompassing critical acumen with the cinema-as-a-drug zeal of comedian Patton Oswalt’s Silver Screen Fiend confessional from last year, Gleiberman has given us this year’s best biography you didn’t know you wanted, auto- or otherwise.

Besides, can you imagine Schickel or Turan having the guts to go into detail about their porno turn-ons? (And would you want them to?)

Ask someone — anyone — at a party, “How did you get to be a [insert job title here]?” The answer will be boring — incredibly, mind-numbingly boring, so much that you wish you had an extra gin and tonic to minimize the suffering. One gets the sense Gleiberman knows this, too, and thus, has taken great pains to make his story compelling. Of course, it helps if you love movies — really, really, really love movies.

I do. Most of us know Gleiberman’s name from his 24-year stint at Entertainment Weekly, starting with its debut issue. I recall that very edition, feeling like I had found a kindred spirit because of his straight-A review of Men Don’t Leave, a quirky dramedy starring Jessica Lange that I adored, yet the rest of America ignored. I have been addicted to Gleiberman’s writing ever since. In Movie Freak, he tells us how he landed that “dream job,” by way of The Boston Phoenix and a good word from Pauline Kael, and how he managed to nearly fuck it up so often, for so long.

It’s a story of an affectionless father, brazen naiveté, superficial relationships with the opposite sex (particularly notable: a six-month cocaine-and-S&M bender) and even more superficial relationships with his fellow film critics. Cursed with a potent mix of insecurity and jealousy, they can be raging bullies, as his dealings with Kael and David Edelstein attest. His description of Rex Reed as “Blanche DuBois-with-a-hemorrhoid” is as dead-on as his perception of Roger Ebert as “far too perceptive a man to give a tongue kiss to as many mediocre movies as he did.”

It’s also a tale of clubbing with Oliver Stone; drinking with Russell Crowe; watching Sid & Nancy director Alex Cox eat a booger; hitting on Gillian Flynn, pre-Gone Girl; and pissing off Denis Leary and Robert Duvall.

manhunterAs gossipy as all that sounds, Movie Freak forgets not the cinema. In reconnecting with his past, Gleiberman revisits and reconsiders his favorites since the 1970s; most critics would err on the side of snobbery rather than champion something as genre-soaked as Michael Mann’s Manhunter or as comic-violent as Stone’s Natural Born Killers, yet the author is as ballsy to go out on that professional limb as he is about rendering his personal life transparent.

Reading these revitalized quasi-reviews is a kick. Whether one agrees with his opinions or not, these pages electrify. His passion for these and other films makes you want watch them again or, if you’ve never seen them, elevates your curiosity into urgency. That’s the joy of absorbing solid film criticism … so it’s nice to have the rarity of being able to pay him back. Allow me to explain: Regarding a passage on the increasing surplus of highly specialized music documentaries at film festivals, he writes, “I fully expect to see entire films devoted to the life and times of Clarence Clemons, the poetic genius of Bernie Taupin, and the sonic miracle of the Moog synthesizer.” Regarding the latter, Mr. Gleiberman, allow me to point you to 2004’s Moog! (Its double-disc soundtrack album is awesome, natch.) You are welcome.

If there are negatives to Gleiberman tackling the long form, they are minor. Like millennials, he literally overuses “literally.” More than once, he uses “kiddie-corner” when he means “kitty-corner.” And, speaking of “kiddie,” he misidentifies the runaway-robot comedy Short Circuit as a Paramount Pictures release, whereas Tri-Star handled that one; it’s an important distinction given that the anecdote in question is about inadvertently making studio enemies by bailing on the flick’s junket before its conclusion.

I can relate. Less about junkets, however, and more about heading for the exit when a movie proves insufferable. As with our shared fondness for Men Don’t Leave, Gleiberman joins me in going against the grain — and pretty much all of civilization — in openly detesting Peter Jackson’s needlessly bloated Lord of the Rings time-wanks. Fight on, beleaguered white man! —Rod Lott

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Millennium (1989)

millenniumDecades after being Oscar-nommed way back in 1956 for Around the World in Eighty Days, director Michael Anderson sunk his claws into a literary property and fashioned it into a modern sci-fi classic. I speak of Logan’s Run, of course, because his late-career Millennium is a low-flying turd. Despite arriving at the tail end of the ’80s, the shiny movie has its feet planted firmly in the style of the previous decade, in which Logan’s Run and Anderson’s made-for-TV Martian Chronicles were born. The most telling example is its out-of-vogue touch in casting, with Kris Kristofferson and Cheryl Ladd in the leads — neither a box-office sparker. (Don’t get me started on Daniel J. Travanti.)

Credit screenwriter John Varley, on whose 1977 “Air Raid” short story the film is based, for at least getting these miserable 108 minutes off the ground quickly; the commercial plane crash that sets the story into motion (as it were) happens within the first two minutes. With mass casualties and mysterious circumstances surrounding the wreckage, NTSB investigator Bill Smith (Kristofferson, the Blade trilogy) is sent to, um, investigate. Catching his (beady) eye is Louise Baltimore (Ladd, TV’s Charlie’s Angels), a rather fetching blonde airline attendant who, in actuality, is from a barren population 1,000 years in the future.

millennium1What Ms. Baltimore (the fakest of fake names) is doing there and why she does it with Mr. Smith (the most generic of generic names) isn’t 100 percent clear — although Stargate clearly owes a great deal to Millennium — but you’ll be too distracted by Anderson’s wacky, wonky vision of tomorrow to care: Louise and her cohorts operate from an industrial hangar run partially by an Erector Set robot named Sherman (Robert Joy, Amityville 3-D). In this world, Ladd’s hair is fashioned into a Mohawk, like a soccer-mom Grace Jones, and everybody debates time travel, dropping the word “paradox” as often as “the.”

If you feel a bit sleepy as Millennium drags on, Kristofferson is right there with you. (Ladd, for the record, impresses.) Whether his character is ordering coffee, surveying a disaster, squeezing tit or saving mankind, the actor exhibits his go-to move: the vacant stare. Among the leading men of his time, Kristofferson may be the least expressive of all. Being saddled with him as the hero in a would-be sci-fi epic is as aggravating as the baffling ending. As it unfolds and sits there, we hear Sherman’s omnipotent voice echo and boom and Zardoz-ize as if saying Something Meaningful: “This is not the end. This is not the beginning of the end. It is the end of the beginning.” It is an abortion. —Rod Lott

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Species: The Awakening (2007)

speciesawakeningWhen sequels start dropping numbers from their titles is one sign consumers can take as caveat emptor. Another is when none of the franchise’s stars is willing to show up, even for an easy-paycheck cameo. And yet another is skipping theaters entirely.

Species: The Awakening checks all three of these boxes. You have been warned. And warned. And warned yet again.

With Natasha Henstridge in absentia, the direct-to-DVD flick falls upon the supple shoulders of Swedish actress Helena Mattsson (Guns Girls & Gambling) as the resident Hot Alien Who Kills When She Gets Horny. The twist here is that she just doesn’t know it yet. Her Miranda is a university professor in pure Sexy Librarian Fantasy mode; her first-scene lecture is nothing short of lascivious, with director Nick Lyon (Hercules Reborn) shooting through her parted legs and at her adoring male students, who all but have books strategically placed on their smoldering crotches. (These guys would appreciate being pointed to the 56-minute mark of the Blu-ray.)

speciesawakening1On the faculty with Miranda is her only family member, Uncle Tom (!), played by a very sweaty Ben Cross (The Unholy). It is he who helped make her that way — not to mention help make her, period — by mucking around with alien DNA, thus providing screenwriter Ben Ripley (who also penned the slightly better Species III) a tenuous connection to the previous films.

However, Uncle Tom (!!) has kept this a secret from his niece until now, when the corpse of a young man is discovered in the park, shortly after Miranda comes home dazed from a date — a sexual Awakening, perhaps? The answer is as affirmative as Mattsson is strikingly beautiful, and sadly, that is not reason enough to sit through this fourth and (until the inevitable reboot) final Species. Once Uncle Tom (!!!) takes her to Mexico to meet her creator, the sci-fi slasher becomes increasingly dull, despite them being pursued in part by a tentacle-sprouting nun. While Mattsson and Cross do try their best, their efforts are not helped by Lyon’s contagious disengagement and shoddy effects that recall the heyday of CorelDRAW. —Rod Lott

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