Into the Badlands (1991)

intobadlandsIn this Western-themed anthology (not to be confused with the AMC martial-arts series of the same name) of three tumbleweed-laden tales, The Hateful Eight’s Bruce Dern and his teeth star as morally corrupt bounty hunter T.L. Barston, roaming the prairie in search of his next $50 kill. For everyone he runs across, we see bad things start to happen to them.

Take wanted outlaw McComas (Dylan McDermott, Olympus Has Fallen): No sooner has he crossed paths with Barston than he’s being hit on by a saloon whore played by Twister’s Helen Hunt! Oh, the humanity! They have sex. Not as cruel, he then gets shot by the town sheriff (Andrew Robinson, Hellraiser).

intobadlands1Into the Badlands’ next pointless yarn: Homely Alma Heusser (Mariel Hemingway, Bad Moon) is attacked by wolves. Finally, that sonofabitch Barston gets a taste of his own medicine, courtesy of some ghostly bandits.

From Zandalee director Sam Pillsbury, this made-for-cable flick is dull and boring, in that made-for-cable sorta way, despite a cowpie-sized dollop of horror elements. —Rod Lott

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The Poseidon Adventure (1972)

poseidonadventureShould auld acquaintance be forgot and never brought to mind? Nay, they should not. After all, it’s tough to rid your mind of people once you’ve witnessed them plummet to their deaths when a luxury ocean liner goes topsy-turvy. Such a fate befalls the revelers ushering in the New Year aboard a top-heavy ship heading from New York to Athens. If it’s not a party until something gets broken, then holy shit, is The Poseidon Adventure ever a blowout!

Shortly after the stroke of midnight, while the adults are still sloshed enough to wear stupid paper hats, a seaquake triggers a giant wave that flips that ship belly-up! Nature’s cruelty personified, the 180˚ turn transforms the opulent ballroom into a collection of broken glass and dead flesh as the passengers are hurled from floor to ceiling. So harsh is the force that Stella Stevens hardly can keep her breasts contained within her gown. And anyone who’s seen her flaunt the goods in films as disparate as The Silencers and Slaughter knows that’s no easy feat. Here, the stacked starlet plays a former hooker now married to the blustery cop who busted her (Ernest Borgnine, 1979’s The Black Hole).

poseidonadventure1Both are among a handful of survivors who reluctantly follow a faith-challenged man of the cloth (Gene Hackman, The French Connection) up and through a veritable obstacle course to the hull of the upturned Poseidon, in hopes of escape before the boat sinks to join Davy Jones’ locker on the ocean floor. Others on the unscheduled field trip include a one-time swim champion, now overweight (Shelley Winters, The Night of the Hunter); a confirmed bachelor with ginger hair (Red Buttons, When Time Ran Out …); and the groovy lead singer (Carol Lynley of Radley Metzger’s The Cat and the Canary) of the hippie band that plays “The Morning After,” one of the more wretched pop tunes to win the Best Song Oscar. In a story that boldly plays for keeps, not all of them live to see fresh air.

Something of a pet project for producer Irwin Allen (who followed with The Towering Inferno), this adaptation of Paul Gallico’s 1969 novel ditched the rape subplot and, with Ronald Neame (Meteor) at the helm, became a massive hit, kicking off a disaster-movie craze that helped define the decade and kept the Allen household well-fed. Today, The Poseidon Adventure and its brethren get knocked about as witless exercises in largesse — and sure, some are, like the 2006 remake — but, being the granddaddy, this one chooses sobriety over silliness, proving particularly strong in suspense, performances (especially Hackman, giving it his usual all) and special effects. Post-Love Boat, the all-star, kitchen-sink cast began looking unnecessarily bloated, but dammit, that flip-flop sequence has aged wonderfully. —Rod Lott

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A Haunted House 2 (2014)

ahauntedhouse2In this politically overcorrect age, can one pan a Marlon Wayans project without being pegged a racist? No? Allow me to try anyway: Somehow, A Haunted House 2 is even worse than 2013’s A Haunted House, a parody so generic, its title perfectly matched. That a mere 15 months passed between the release of each suggests that “rushed” and “half-assed” were intentional. Give Wayans and director Michael Tiddes (Fifty Shades of Black) 15 months more and the sequel would fare no better; it might even play worse.

Wayans’ character of Malcolm has married — gasp! — a white woman (Jaime Pressly, DOA: Dead or Alive), thereby affording Wayans and frequent co-writer Rick Alvarez the single domino they need to push in order for the couple to move into a new home, which also is haunted. Cue the spoofs of The Possession (an evil box), Sinister (evil home movies) and whichever Paranormal Activity chapter happened to be around then.

But mostly it depends upon The Conjuring, because its creepy Annabelle doll shows up and — I hope you’re sitting down! — she won’t leave after Malcolm has sex with her. That bit stands for everything wrong with this sequel and Wayans’ one-track shtick in general: It’s not enough to let a few thrusts tell the joke; instead, we get to see Wayans hump (and perhaps rape) it in position after position, until the gag is beaten as lifeless as the damn doll. Elongating such a imagination-free joke doesn’t make it funnier — just more desperate.

If Wayans isn’t obsessing over penile whereabouts, he’s reinforcing stereotypes that smart comedies would break down. And if he’s not doing that, he’s going for the even easier laugh by shrieking. Those are his three moves and, over and over, they constitute one worthless movie. —Rod Lott

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Saturday Morning Mystery (2012)

satmornmystZoinks! Spencer Parsons’ Saturday Morning Mystery winkingly makes the opening-credits claim that it is “a real story based on actual televised events.” That is its cheeky way of hinting at — if not quite acknowledging, for legal reasons — that, yes, the movie is perfectly aware its characters and setup resemble TV’s still-chugging Scooby-Doo. That is Saturday Morning Mystery’s point, its selling point and, ultimately, its point of no return.

Unknowns Adam Tate, Josephine Decker, Jonny Mars and Ashley Rae Spillers fill the role archetypes of, respectively, Fred, Daphne, Shaggy and Velma. (Hamlet, their nonspeaking Great Dane, plays himself.) The paranormal-hunting foursome is hired to investigate a mansion that once housed a private school with religion-based curriculum; rumors of satanic sacrifice, an open gate to hell and the occasional meddling kid have plagued the site ever since. With Hamlet in tow and on a leash, the group members unload their van, set up their equipment and steel themselves for an unpredictable night.

satmornmyst1Much of what happens in those dark hours would cause William Hanna and Joseph Barbera to turn beet-red, if they were still alive to see it. In other words, the film’s R rating is entirely warranted.

People drawn to Saturday Morning Mystery strictly because of the Scooby-Doo “connection” are bound to be disappointed. Parsons’ work is not a parody of the beloved cartoon; Warner Bros.’ sanctioned pair of live-action comedies better adhere to that description. This is also more or less humorless, despite a sunny, cheerful title that conjures loving images of sugary cereal and hours of entertainment while the parentals slept in. Saturday Morning Mystery is a mumblecore treatment of in-vogue supernatural horror dripping with Gen X nostalgia; therefore, it is less an actual story and more a concept — one that still requires some fleshing out. At least it is interesting in its shortcomings — no easy task, that. —Rod Lott

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Reading Material: Short Ends 4/3/16

keepwatchingMaybe it’s just me, but the title of Bill Warren’s Keep Watching the Skies! may serve as a warning, i.e., you could get so wrapped up as to lose all sense of time. That’s certainly not a stretch, although arm strain could cut your reading session short. Subtitled American Science Fiction Movies of the Fifties, the book is such a behemoth that McFarland & Company has split it into two volumes (not sold separately) whose 1,000-plus pages collectively weigh nearly 6 pounds! First published in 1982, Keep Watching has been revised cover to cover (to cover to cover) for this 21st Century Edition, as Warren has revisited every film featured — now arranged alphabetically, from Abbott and Costello Go to Mars to X the Unknown — as well as added new entries. To call this massive undertaking a life’s work is not hyperbole. If each movie were represented by a mere pithy capsule review, a thumbs-up would not be automatic; instead, Warren affords each with a full, thought-out essay. Illustrations abound, with color pages of original posters inserted in the center of both volumes, kicking this project into that rarest of recommendations: unequivocally essential for the bookshelf of every cult-film fanatic.

deadlierthanFresh from counting down the subjective 100 Greatest Science-Fiction Films, author Douglas Brode returns — this time with tongue a-waggin’ — to ogle luscious ladies in Deadlier than the Male: Femme Fatales in 1960s and 1970s Cinema. For the BearManor Media trade paperback, Brode profiles more than 100 of not necessarily the silver screen’s most golden goddesses, but those who also played it rough as villainesses. Thus, we get a lot of Bond girls and Hammer vixens, but dozens more hailing from the seamier side of exploitation cinema. Each woman is introduced with quick vital stats, such as her measurements (when available), before Brode digs in for a big-picture overview of her life and career, often with appropriately tongue-in-cheek self-awareness. For example, of Barbara Steele, he writes that “mostly her work consisted of being bound and gagged in old castles.” This goes a long way in mitigating Brode’s crime of misspelling names: Dianne Thorne, Silvia Kristel and Carol Baker, to point out just three errors. Among 522 jam-packed pages, rarely a spread goes by without a photo, almost all of which are dead-sexy. And, like the actresses’ films, several shots contain nudity, so keep away from prying eyes! I read this front to back over the course of several weeknights; if I were 14, it would be embarrassingly dog-eared … and not so much from “reading,” per se. 😉

cyclessequelsDon’t let the highfalutin word in the subtitle keep you from Cycles, Sequels, Spin-offs, Remakes, and Reboots: Multiplicities in Film and Television. Edited by Amanda Ann Klein and R. Barton Palmer, this is a highly accessible look at why a franchise-crazed Hollywood is so fond of using and reusing the same concepts and stories. (The short answer: Because audiences pay in droves to see them.) From Dumbledore to mumblecore, this wonderful collection of 17 essays brims with sharp insights; for instance, the practice of capitalizing on familiarity dates back to cinema’s infancy, as Thomas Edison released a film based upon a popular novelty postcard in 1905. Standouts in this University of Texas Press trade paperback include Chelsea Crawford’s piece on American remakes of J-horror hits; Constantine Verevis’ use of the Jaws series to illustrate the When Animals Attack-style trend of the 70s (although calling Steven Spielberg’s undisputed classic a “disaster film” is terminology I take umbrage with); Robert Rushing considers how the waves of peplum, from Steve Reeves’ Hercules to the more recent Brett Ratner and Renny Harlin versions, play with sexuality; and Kathleen Loock’s examination of the major studios’ current fascination with reviving properties of the 1980s. However, another Kathleen — Williams — provides the most interesting chapter, on the YouTube phenomenon of retooled trailers, both by fans and, in the unique case of Snakes on a Plane, by execs.

kaijufilmGodzilla, Gamera and all their oversized, radiated ilk: Are they worthy of the intense critical examination afforded to “important” foreign films? Jason Barr sure as hell thinks so, and The Kaiju Film: A Critical Study of Cinema’s Biggest Monsters sure as hell serves as proof. Published in trade paperback by McFarland, this may be the most sober book ever written and that ever will be written on the subject, as Barr takes these films very seriously. Irked at pop culture’s broad view of these movies as greasy kids’ stuff, he takes a slight dig at William Tsutsui’s Godzilla on My Mind for being “flippant” in tone, yet at least that 2004 book was a delight to read. Barr clearly has won the war of expertise, because chapter by chapter, he illustrates an incredible depth of knowledge not just in the aforementioned franchises, but as the giant-monster genre as a whole is informed by Asian traditions predating cinema and interested in making pointed political statements (not all of which lurk as subtext — Godzilla vs. the Smog Monster, anyone?). The Kaiju Film is intelligent, all right. I just wish it also were fun. It’s essentially a thesis, not a reference work; take that into account as you decide responsibly. —Rod Lott

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