Reading Material: Short Ends 10/29/18

When Peter Stanfield publishes a book, it’s a cult cinephile’s cause for celebration. Having examined pop 1950 cinema and pulp fiction in past titles, also for Rutgers University Press, the UK film professor cranes his neck at Hoodlum Movies: Seriality and the Outlaw Biker Film Cycle, 1966-1972. Like so many other types of teenpics in which the likes of Roger Corman and Samuel Z. Arkoff specialized, the biker movie was short-lived and derided by critics; as Stanfield notes, “Repetitious, poorly made, and morally putrescent” was the name of the press’ repeated game. Only a few dozen were made, and fewer are remembered today, but he ticks through them snobbery-free, as if each one were an important piece of a time-capsule whole — and they are (which is rarely to be confused with “good”). Excepting a couple of instances of repetition (like the parentage of Nancy Sinatra, Peter Fonda, et al.), Stanfield revs up another winner. Outside of the woefully out-of-print Big Book of Biker Movies, this is the best work on the subgenre yet.

Die Hard. Predator. The Hunt for Red October. Federal prison. Okay, so you can’t win ’em all. But in the late 1980s, the gifted director John McTiernan was poised to become a Hollywood all-timer by knocking out three well-received smash hits in a row. Then Last Action Hero happened, and no amount of Die Hard sequels could save the rather precipitous slip of legal misfortune that followed. Arkansas-based freelancer Larry Taylor recounts every step in John McTiernan: The Rise and Fall of an Action Movie Icon, and while the McTiernan saga is interesting, Taylor’s book is a missed opportunity. Disappointingly, yet not surprisingly, Taylor was unable to interview McTiernan for the McFarland & Company release, so he relies on others’ previously published articles to build the narrative, sometimes straining for drama when the beats simply are not there. It reads like an extended press-kit bio with the occasional “huh, didn’t know that” kernel of info.

Part of Edinburgh University Press’ ReFocus series of essay collections on film auteurs, ReFocus: The Films of William Castle provides a dozen essays on the man who wanted to “scare the pants off America,” but also wound up in monster kids’ collective hearts. Castle became the Alfred Hitchcock of the B movies, but the book does not ignore his early career anonymously toiling in noir and Western programmers. Of course, once editor Murray Leeder and company turn their critical eye to Castle’s gimmick era — one of such matinee classics as The Tingler, The House on Haunted Hill, 13 Ghosts, etc. — is when it hits peak interest, and the book argues his ballyhoo can still be felt today in upsold-theatrical formats like IMAX. Additional chapters explore Castle’s role “playing” himself, how he played with gender at a time when it was decidedly not in vogue, and the line that can be drawn directly from him to John Waters. Texts on Castle are far from dime-a-dozen, so fans who take the filmmaker seriously owe it to themselves to get this. —Rod Lott

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Blood Lake (1987)

By all accounts, Blood Lake appears to be a movie. A camera is present, and people pretending to be someone else do things in front of it. They also say things in front of it, although not always in its general direction. Somebody then assembled those things into a chronological fashion. Another somebody made music for it; yet another slapped credits on both ends. The result was duplicated onto VHS cassettes that members of the public rented for a set period of time and inserted into their VCRs, presumably for purposes of entertainment.

And yet, even after lowering expectations to the substandards of shot-on-video, straight-to-tape projects, I’m hesitant to call Blood Lake a movie. The story lacks story beats. Dialogue seems to be improvised; lighting, an afterthought. With one exception, its actors were not and are not actors. But at least it is in focus, question mark?

Although one Tim Boggs is credited as director (and never to be again), the driving creative force is writer, producer and leading man Doug Barry. As the mulleted, muscled Mike, he’s one-half of the dude bros (the other being Mike Kaufman’s Bryan) who have Trans Am’d their respective girlfriends (Angela Darter and The Ripper’s Andrea Adams) to a weekend at Cedar Lake, a real spot in southeast Oklahoma, where this thing was filmed — er, recorded. Also in tow are Mike’s tween brother, Tony (Travis Krasser), and Tony’s girl friend and hopeful “sex partner,” Susan (Christie Willoughby).

They drink beer. They waterski. They drink more beer. They waterski again. They urge little Tony to nail Susan, which sounds incredibly uncomfortable because it totally is. They drink more beer. People are killed by a fat guy in overalls who looks like Billy Jack ate Jenny Craig. (He’s played by the ironically named Tiny Frazier, whose car-sales business is thanked in the closing credits — and that’s only the second strangest thing you’ll read there, thanks to a special-effects shout-out to “An Act of God.”)

My heart should belong to Blood Lake, for three primary reasons:
• SOV ’80s horror is “my jam,” as the kids say.
• Ditto for the era’s slashers shot in my home state of Oklahoma: Blood Cult, Terror at Tenkiller, Offerings, et al.
• Throughout grade school, Krasser and Willoughby were among my brother’s best friends.

And yet, I don’t. Blood Lake not only tried my patience, but actively grated on my nerves. It’s hard not to feel that way when nearly every scene agonizingly unfolds in real time, whether the characters are shootin’ the shit on the dock (three minutes), playing quarters (five minutes) or engaging in the aforementioned waterskiing (10 minutes). What should be the simplest conversations would flummox even Robert Altman’s sound editors; take for example, this exchange of Mike and his lady bidding two lake rats adieu after a night of drinkin’, tokin’ and jokin’:

“Hey, thanks a lot for tonight, it was fun.”
“All right.”
“Thanks a lot.”
“Thanks for coming by. Y’all be careful.”
“Okay, buh-bye.”
“Take it easy.”
“Yeah, we’ll see you all tomorrow.”
“Be careful.”
“All right.”
“Thanks.”
“Thanks a lot.”
“Bye-bye.”
“See you later.”
“Bye.”

And I’m sure I missed a couple.

The most entertaining made-for-VHS horrors come chock-full of accidentally ridiculous and hilarious lines. Because Krasser’s aggressively rapey act is neither, Blood Lake has one scene that made me laugh aloud. The rest of the movie is like being the fly on the wall of a lake house, and everyone in the kitchen is too lazy to grab a swatter to put you out of your misery.

As detailed in Richard Mogg’s wonderful book, Analog Nightmares: The Shot On Video Horror Films of 1982-1995, the story behind Blood Lake is far more compelling than watching Blood Lake. If Barry thought he was crafting the country’s next hit slasher, he was delusional and yet missed a target so easy to hit that the result is too misguided to deserve the label of “derivative.” Flick Attack contributor Richard York put it best: “Not enough blood. Too much lake.” —Rod Lott

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The Tower (1985)

Shot on video for Canadian television by the catchpenny production company known as Emmeritus, The Tower has nearly as many establishing shots of the building in question as its home country has provinces. According to those shots, the titular site varies in size between “skyscraper” to “office complex,” with only one thing for certain: It’s a building, eh.

Written and directed by Ghostkeeper’s Jim Makichuk, the movie opens with two men discussing possible problems with the tower’s safety, considering three people have vanished inexplicably from its floors of late. One of the guys declaratively states twice, “There is nothing wrong with the security of the Sandawn Building.” You know what that means: There is totally something wrong with the security of the Sandawn Building! And you, the viewer, stands to benefit.

Touted for its energy efficiency, the place is run by a $30 million computer system named LOLA (disembodily voiced by Monique Verlaan), developed by the blinky-eyed, mumble-mouthed boy genius Watson (Alfred Topes, punchable). What Watson somehow fails to notice is that LOLA has discovered sweet, sweet sentience, acquiring increasingly higher reserves of power via murder. After scanning various workers for potential heat gain, she absorbs them whole when they flip an electrical switch, press an elevator button, fuck against a copier, what have you.

On this particular Friday night, a soap opera’s worth of characters are trapped and in danger of LOLA vaporizing them for their BTUs, including:
• the dorky nightwatchman (George West) and his incredibly sexy girlfriend (Zuzana Struss, sexy) who sexily drops by for a sexy dip in the top floor’s pool;
• a past-his-prime ad man (Ray Paisley, Cold Creek Manor) and the sassy new copywriter (Kenner Ames, Canadian Bacon) working overtime on a Magic Marker posterboard campaign for something called Sparkle;
• the secretary (Jackie Wray) whose single-mom status will not surprise you when you see her hair;
• lovers (Jennifer Cornish and Paul Miklas) who plot to kidnap Old Man Sandawn (George T. Cunningham, Emmeritus’ Shock Chamber), who dips his ink in the company well because he’s married to a frowny crone (Dorothy Clifton, Emmeritus’ The Hijacking of Studio 4).

There’s also a black stripper/video vixen (Charlene Richards, Emmeritus’ Mark of the Beast) who legitimately wants to bed Watson, but we don’t have time to get into that.

Not to be confused with 2012’s Korean Towering Inferno rip-off or the 1993 Paul Reiser vehicle (although that Fox prime-time pic bears a plot similar enough to raise eyebrows) or any of many, many films bearing the same name, The Tower stands tall on its own. What other movie would show you computer graphics continually drawn and re-drawn, as if Makichuk were squeezing every penny out of the license for some AutoCAD shareware knock-off? Would have the balls to lure an elderly woman to her grave with the promise of a feather boa? Would dare present the same shot three times of two ladies climbing down a flight of stairs? Would stop itself to have a character literally look up the definition of “snake” … and then share the results?

As terribly dated as it is terribly acted, this Tower harnesses the power of pure entertainment — often accidental, but thoroughly genial. These days, that’s enough. —Rod Lott

Get it at Amazon.

Starchaser: The Legend of Orin (1985)

Upon its dismal original release, Starchaser: The Legend of Orin was positioned to be a Star Wars for the next generation, which, of course, it wasn’t. But, for cartoon nerds whose first love was weirdly cheap French animation — think Fantastic Planet — but needed a wholly North American story they could glom on to, I guess this flick will do just fine.

Orin is a slave working in the coal crystal mines and before he can say “Lord, I am so tired … how long can this go on?” he finds a glowing laser-sword — a light-saber, if you will — in the dirt. Before he can toss it out, a little wizard pops out of the handle and tells him he’s his people’s only hope. This all sound somewhat familiar yet?

Filled with plenty of misplaced promise, he takes on a couple of robots and their laser-whips, escaping his nightmarish hellhole to the mildly bad-dreamish surface world filled with swamp-monsters, man-droids and a supposedly cool Han Solo-type that suggestively calls Orin “my little water-snake” in between making out with a sex robot that I’m pretty sure was on the cover of Aerosmith’s Just Push Play.

They go on various adventures, visiting dumb planets and fighting stupid aliens, all in an effort to take down the dastardly overlord Zygon. I’m not giving anything away to say that they do, but it’s all still nowhere near as pseudo-exciting at George Lucas’ sci-fi spree; with the further adventures of Anakin Skywalker — whizzer! — and gang still a good 15 or so years away, I guess Starchaser was the best you could do for swashbuckling adventure in 1985.

Directed by Steven Hahn, this film is probably more famous for spending about 17 days in the theaters, when it was quickly pulled by distributor Atlantic Releasing after making only $3.3 million. But, somewhere out there, the dream for a live-action Starchaser is alive, when Rilean Picture announced one is coming in March.

Of 2012, that is. —Louis Fowler

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Mr. Vampire (1985)

Kung fu and horror movies go together amazingly well. From the Shaw Brothers/Hammer Films coproduction The Legend of the 7 Golden Vampires to 1980s classics like the Chinese Ghost Story series, nothing quite scratches the itch of ancient evil like a kick to the face. It’s even better when you mix in broad slapstick comedy, and 1985’s Mr. Vampire did everything so well that it created a whole genre of sequels and rip-offs featuring jiangshi, Chinese hopping vampires/zombies. It’s also a case study in how sometimes actors can make some serious coin if they lean into typecasting.

Set in a sleepy small town that looks nothing at all like the towns in all of Golden Harvest’s other ’80s movies, Mr. Vampire stars Ching-Ying Lam (Mr. Vampire II, Mr. Vampire III, Vampire vs. Vampire, Magic Cop, Encounters of the Spooky Kind 2) as our main hero, a Taoist priest named Master Gau who also knows a kung fu or two. And of course, he’s got some bumbling, but earnest assistants, played by Siu-Ho Chin (Vampire Cleanup Department) and Ricky Hui (The Haunted Cop Shop, the guy who goes “Whaaa?” for comic relief in, like, 50 other movies). Everything seems to be going pretty good for Gau: He’s rolling through life, hanging out with dead bodies waiting to be hopped back to their hometowns for burial — you know, normal shit. Yeah, maybe his assistants go a little too far messing around with the corpses, but who’s going to know?

Everything goes sideways when Gau is hired by Mr. Yam, a wealthy local merchant (those guys are the worst) played by Ha Huang (A Chinese Ghost Story). Richie Rich wants Master Gau to relocate his dad’s body to ensure good fortune for Yam’s business. Yam’s daughter, Ting-Ting (Moon Lee, Fighting Madam), also hangs out with her dad a lot, which is weird, but whatever. Oh, also there’s a funny bit where Master Gau’s assistants think Ting-Ting is a prostitute, which is an hilariously embarrassing situation!

Anyway, they dig up Yam’s dad, but here’s where things get bad. The corpse hasn’t decayed. At all. And everyone knows that’s a surefire sign of Impending Undead Evil High Jinks. If Gau doesn’t make with the rituals and quick, Yam’s dad is totally going to turn into a kung-fu vampire (Wah Yuen, Mr. Vampire Saga).

On top of the vampire threat, one of Gau’s assistants falls in love with a spectral bride played by Siu-Fung Wong (New Mr. Vampire), who hops on the back of his bicycle one night while a creepy song called “Ghost Bride” is sung by a children’s choir. And things really go downhill from there. But amid all the kung-fu slapstick horror laid down by this masterpiece (which is even better on the recently remastered limited-edition Korean Blu-ray that I have, but you know, not everyone appreciates Film like I do), Mr. Vampire serves up some important life lessons:
Jiangshi have to hop everywhere, so take the stairs! It’s hilarious.
• These monsters are allergic to sticky rice. (As a side note, you should note that sticky rice costs more than regular rice, so beware unscrupulous merchants who might try to cut the sticky rice they sell you with regular rice. Again, merchants are the worst.)
• Like all of us, they’re repelled by mirrors. Are you not?
• They track humans by their breath, so keep a big bamboo tube by your bed as a vampire snorkel.

The first draft of this review had tons of explanation about the mythology behind jiangshi, but you’ll figure it out. I’m serious about the vampire snorkel, though. —Ryun Patterson

Get it at Amazon.

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