Odd Jobs (1986)

After ill-fated summer gigs caddying, waiting tables and selling nuclear vacuum cleaners door to door, four guys join fellow frat bro Max (Paul Reiser) in the moving business, in Odd Jobs. In less than 15 minutes, the lowbrow ’80s comedy offers almost everything we’ve come to expect from a lowbrow ’80s comedy: racial stereotypes, drug references, homophobia, syrupy saxophone music, zany sound effects and that surefire laff-grabber we now call sexual assault.

Essentially a showcase for stand-up comedians Reiser, Robert Townshend, Paul Provenza and Rick Overton — plus teenpic second-stringer Scott McGinnis (Secret Admirer, Making the Grade, et al.) — the movie is initially shapeless as one-time director Mark Story presents what is essentially a meandering series of setups for jokes not worth setting up, from a sheep-fucking redneck to a Elvis-wannabe trucker from whose rearview mirror hangs a lucky rabbit’s dick. These come courtesy of first-time writers Robert Conte and Peter Wortmann (who didn’t fare much better with their next one, the painful John Candy vehicle Who’s Harry Crumb?), but they do score with two pretty decent golf gags, which, to be fair, is two more than the whole of Caddyshack II.

Only in the second half, when Max and the boys start Maximum Moving (get it?), does Odd Jobs begin flirting with a plot, however flimsy, with a rival moving company involved in a car-theft ring. As a charisma-free Reiser (the same year as Aliens) tries to regain the heart of his girlfriend (Fletch Lives’ Julianne Phillips) from a douche named Spud (Richard Dean Anderson, then seen weekly as TV’s MacGyver), we also get fitness guru Jake Steinfeld playing jacks, would-be second daughter Eleanor Mondale in a nudity-free sex scene, radio host Don Imus and future supermodel Jill Goodacre in don’t-blink cameos, Provenza doing a cringeworthy Ebonics bit — riffing on Rice Krispies and Roots — at the Townshend family’s dinner table, and in an uncredited supporting part in all the slapstick-driven moving sequences, gravity! The sofa stuck in the stairwell is a metaphor for any viewer subjected to such prolonged stupidity. —Rod Lott

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The Game (1984)

In Bill Rebane’s accidentally entertaining The Game, three bored and elderly millionaires named Maude, George and Horace (Carol Perry, Stuart Osborn and Don Arthur, respectively) recruit nine healthy adults to gather at an island hotel to play the fogies’ annual overnight “Game of Fear.” That just means the old folks creep around at all hours in an attempt to scare the contestants into leaving, with the last man (or woman) standing the next day to be awarded $1 million, essentially making this Rebane’s Lake Resort on Haunted Hill.

After sharing the rules, either George or Horace — it doesn’t matter whom — tells his assembled players, “We’re quite proud of the creativity that went into this.” What else to call flashing lights, dry-ice fog, “bwa-ha-ha” sound effects, dummies hanging on rope, a locked sauna, a fake shark fin in the swimming pool, real tarantulas in the soup bowl, a jail cell filled with rats, a grounds-roaming hunchback and — yikes! — nonflushing toilets? There’s also a round of Russian roulette, but the scariest element of all actually arrives pregame: a gratuitous disco sequence in which the spinster Maude wipes her hand up the butt of the skeeziest contestant (Jim Iaquinta from Rebane’s Rana: The Legend of Shadow Lake).

However, the best scene in The Game (findable here and there as The Cold) occurs when a young lady in silky undergarments is spread out on the bed as Rebane’s immortal The Giant Spider Invasion plays on TV. Her slumber is interrupted as a worm-like hand puppet bursts through the sheets, then vomits. I can’t tell you which character it is, because they are nigh indistinguishable, save for two: Pamela Rohleder’s Southern belle, whose voluminous bra size surpasses her IQ, and the aforementioned Iaquinta’s human form of gonorrhea, ready to take advantage.

While the script by William Arthur and Larry Dreyfus (who later co-wrote the director’s 1988 talking-truck movie, Twister’s Revenge!) is born from a legitimately good idea, Rebane artlessly bungles it. Foremost among his errors is scoring the horror film with ragtime ditties as the merry, maniacal and masked millionaires dance down the hallways toward their latest scheme. At one moment late in The Game, Maude, George and Horace sing — and then debate — that folk nugget “Jimmy Crack Corn.” And I don’t care. —Rod Lott

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Diamond Connection (1984)

Diamonds are a girl’s best friend, they say, and Diamond Connection’s prologue tells us why: “We lust for them to the point of madness for their power to solve all of life’s problems.” I’ll take your word for it, Diamond Connection.

In this confounding Italian adventure from In the Folds of the Flesh director Sergio Bergonzelli, a French airliner goes down in a storm, killing all passengers except an attorney with a briefcase of diamonds intended to swap for automatic weapons. While he’s suffering from amnesia and his head wrapped in bandages from emergency plastic surgery (“I hope you like your new face, Mr. Ferguson!”), various people thirst to get their grubby mitts on those presumably sunken gems.

There’s Ferguson’s daughter (Oya Demir), race car driver Alan Roberts (Lorenzo Bonaccorsi), hospital physician Karen (Barbara Bouchet, The Black Belly of the Tarantula), someone named Mark from Amsterdam and Sammy, a professor who’s “a great deep-sea diver and a smart fellow all around.” There are others whose names I didn’t catch and you won’t, either.

In fact, I have more questions: Who are the good guys? Who are the bad guys? Who’s chasing whom? Where do their allegiances lay? Why is a little boy wearing a penile novelty nose and what purpose does he serve? I still don’t know. Keeping it all straight is, as Alan says, “just like looking at a needle in a mud stack.” (Another: What’s a mud stack?)

But I do know William Berger (Sabata) is in it, as are a goofy fight at a discotheque (partly involving a broom), a literal upskirt shot, karate chops traded aboard a docked boat, fisticuffs on moving trucks, stock footage of sharks, a shitload of helicopters, double-crosses, a parade, a car chase, a speedboat chase and a desert trek with camels. It’s as if Bergonzelli sought to adapt the poster without connecting any dots. Arrivederci, logic. —Rod Lott

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Satan’s Doll (1969)

Upon the death of her rich uncle, Elizabeth (Erna Schurer, Strip Nude for Your Killer) travels to his castle for the reading of his will. With her fiancé (Roland Carey, The Diamond Connection) in tow, she learns she is the sole beneficiary of his estate, castle included! It’s such an incredible piece of property, if you can pay no mind to the still-in-use torture dungeon or the insane woman in one of the bedrooms.

In the two-day wait for paperwork processing, some locals tell Liz her uncle was planning to sell the place, which is news to her. Others are pushier, needling her about taking it off her hands. At any rate, the requisite strange things begin to occur, from nocturnal visions and a tree bursting through the bedroom window (13 years before Poltergeist) to, yep, that old chestnut known as first-degree murder.

A good reason exists for Satan’s Doll being obscure: so is its writer and director, Ferruccio Casapinta, whose filmography starts and ends here. Despite its nasty-sounding title (no doubt made nastier if confused with an X-rated film from 1982 with almost the same name), the movie is rather cheerful in its coloring and overall harmless — a minor giallo more Scooby-Doo than Sergio Martino. Instantly forgettable, this Doll contains enough of the “old dark house” trappings to interest viewers, even if the mystery at its core is hardly the stuff of Agatha Christie. —Rod Lott

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Too Scared to Scream (1984)

In the woefully mistitled Too Scared to Scream, residents of the fancy-schmancy apartment building The Royal Arms in New York City start turning up stabbed to death. Investigating are the grizzled Lt. DiNardo (Nightkill’s Mike Connors, who also produced) and his ineffectual, incompetent young partner (Fatal Attraction’s Anne Archer in a feather-duster hairdo), with a near-invisible sideline assist by a token minority (Leon Isaac Kennedy, Hollywood Vice Squad).

Suspicion quickly falls on the Arms’ odd doorman (Ian McShane, John Wick) who takes his job so seriously that he quotes Shakespeare in everyday conversation and refuses all sexual overtures from the elderly widow upstairs (Play It as It Lays’ Ruth Ford, in her final role). He also lives with his wheelchair-bound mute mother (six-time Tarzan mate Maureen O’Sullivan) and delivers intellectual insults: “You, sir, are a vulgar, feverish little clod.”

While that setup and its marketing materials promise a slasher film, Too Scared to Scream isn’t. Instead, it’s a mystery. More specifically, it’s an old-fashioned police procedural — the kind likely to feature (and does!) an unfazed medical examiner smoking a stogie while handling disembodied limbs. The only film directed by The French Connection villain Tony Lo Bianco, it’s light on true suspense, but likable enough, as it’s fun to watch DiNardo go through the motions of feet-on-the-streets detective work, to witness Archer ridiculously disco-dance in her living room, and to see McShane marinate his mama’s-boy part with more panache than it deserves on paper.

Incidentally, if not ironically, it’s written by Neal Barbera and Glenn Leopold, the duo behind The Prowler, one of the more notorious slashers. That they didn’t give Too Scared the same bloody treatment is a shame only in the sense that the mask on the poster never appears. Lo Bianco compensates with a terrific cast that includes Jaws mayor Murray Hamilton, Home Alone dad John Heard, Creepshow bitch Carrie Nye and a couple of naked ladies more than willing to let his camera leer. —Rod Lott

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