Alien: Romulus (2024)

Almost 50 years removed from Ridley Scott’s Alien, H.R. Giger and Dan O’Bannon’s multimouthed space monster remains timeless. That’s not to say almost every sequel, prequel and whatever Alien vs. Predator is didn’t at least slightly chip away at the Xenomorph’s mystique. But those films didn’t completely diffuse what makes them iconic and terrifying, either. With Fede Alvarez (Don’t Breathe) in the pilot’s seat of Alien: Romulus, however, it’s not a stretch to think this entry marks a true return to form for the “perfect organism.” So, is it?

Absolutely not. Not for a lack of trying, but more so for a lack of identity. Of course, it’s unfair to expect any Alien entry to ignite the same feelings of curiosity and terror as the first. The moment we saw, we were desensitized. That’s the tragic downside of iconic franchises: If your take is too similar, it’s derivative. And if it’s too different, it’ll be tonally alienating. Romulus, surprisingly, manages to do both.

Set some 20 years after the original, Alien: Romulus follows Rain (Cailee Spaeny, Civil War) and Andy (David Jonsson, HBO’s Industry), a miner and her adoptive robo-brother. Desperate to escape their colony’s harsh way of life, Rain humors her ex’s pleas to join him on a short flight to a nearby planet, where the titular space station promises a heaping helping of long-lasting cryo-sleep chambers. (It’s a little muddy in the first act, but these pods will ensure Rain and company can survive a multiyear flight to a more ideal colony.)

Still, they also need Andy, whose similarities to Weyland-Yutani droids should let him interface with the Romulus’ tech. Spoiler: It works a little too well, as Andy doesn’t just open doors, but accidentally awakens a hoard of everyone’s favorite parasitic horseshoe crabs, too.

Romulus’ first act oozes with potential. We get a real glimpse of life on the colonies, something absent from — though alluded to in — Alien and Aliens. This harsh reality makes it easy to attach to Rain and Andy’s plight, and even breathes life into the auxiliary alien fodder, though not to the same effect as the Nostromo’s crew.

As soon as they board the Romulus craft, it gets even better. Alvarez, a master in close-quarter horror settings, takes us into the bowels of a bleak and apathetic vessel lit by flickering consoles and weak fluorescent lights. To top it off, he relies primarily on animatronics, which gives his creatures significantly more weight than what we got in 2017’s Alien: Covenant.

Craftsmanship really is this movie’s saving grace. Because as soon as the plot starts to take off, it’s quickly suffocated by a mouse-shaped facehugger. Ian Holm’s likeness is reused in the form of Rook, an effective carbon copy of the late actor’s character, Ash, from the first film. Ethical questions aside, Rook sabotages and assimilates what could be a compelling character arc for Andy for the sake of hollow nostalgia.

The film then starts to recreate portions of other Alien flicks at such a rapid pace that it could’ve been alternatively titled Now That’s What I Call Xenomorphs Vol. 7. A pack of Xenos get mowed down à la Aliens. Another tries to lick Rain’s face like in Alien 3. We even get a callback (albeit way creepier and effective) to Alien Resurrection in the final sequence. Not everyone will digest this approach as soulless, but it feels like it almost aggressively strips away Romulus’ originality for cheap pandering. It also wouldn’t be so egregious if Alvarez hadn’t proved over a decade ago (in 2013’s Evil Dead) that he can operate in an established universe without needless allusions.

Alien: Romulus is unique — at least for this franchise — in how unoriginal it is. It’s fun and thrilling, sure, and those who aren’t immediately familiar with the rest of the Alien canon may hardly notice this sequel’s many seams. We who expected something with staying power, on the other hand, may wish to steer clear of this specimen’s acid blood. —Daniel Bokemper

Body Melt (1993)

From director Peter Brophy and co-writer Rod Bishop comes Body Melt, a goofy, goopy Australian body-horror splatter fest that plays like the unholy love child of Peter Jackson’s Dead Alive and David Cronenberg’s Rabid, with some Lynchian weirdness and a throbbing techno score thrown in for good measure.

It follows the citizens of Pebbles Court in Homesville, Melbourne, who all fall victim to an experimental body-enhancing vitamin sent to them in the mail by an unscrupulous pharmaceutical company. The filmmakers are concerned less with character and plot and more worried about grossing the audience out, which they achieve in spades. True to its title, the film is a smorgasbord of nasty death scenes as hilarious as they are disgusting.

There’s not a single protagonist in Body Melt. Rather, the film is comprised of several characters who almost all meet gnarly ends. There’s a detergent-guzzling man whose throat opens to sprout tentacle-like growths. Another resident of the quaint Pebbles Court suffers hallucinations from the drug until his face melts away, leaving only his bloody skull. A family vacationing at the very health spa that produced the vitamin suffers all matter of slimy, mucus-dripping indignities, while one of the spa’s workers — an oversexed muscle man — gets an erection so turgid his penis explodes. But perhaps the most vomit-inducing scene involves a pregnant woman, whose fate is best left for sick viewers to see for themselves.

In addition to all the madness listed above, Body Melt features a clan of possibly inbred service-station workers who torment two teen boys from the court, a clear nod to The Texas Chain Saw Massacre. To say that the film is bonkers is an understatement. It can be a bit tricky at first to follow all the seemingly disparate storylines, but then again, the stories aren’t exactly the point. The practical effects are the true star here, and they are every bit as convincing now as they were in 1993.

Body Melt is a perfect midnight movie — just be sure to watch it on an empty stomach. —Christopher Shultz

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Deer Camp ’86 (2022)

In horror movies, hunters often receive the short shrift. They’re almost always randos relegated to one scene for the sole purpose of being dispatched by Jason Voorhees and his ilk. They’re not introduced so much as placed in the way — a minor obstacle to “overcome” on the way to those nubile, horny teens.

A throwback to the slasher decade, the horror comedy Deer Camp ’86 upends that architecture, making the hunters the protagonists — not necessarily a change for the better. Here, five friends head to the woods to slay bucks and does, but risk getting slain themselves by a Native American spirit noted for its skull visage and Predator-esque clicks.

From first-time director L. Van Dyke Siboutszen, Deer Camp ’86 reminded me of the screen outings of the Broken Lizard troupe, in all the positives and negatives that comparison brings. On the plus side, that includes a willingness to “go there” without care of offending; conversely, they “go there” without knowing what to do with it.

Its humor is largely predicated upon two obnoxious varieties: gotta-take-a-shit and fucked-your-sister. Hanging over the telling of these jokes is an air of obliviousness at how unfunny the jokes are. Whenever neophyte scripters Bo Hansen and Riley Taurus place a sequence at bat with potential for inspired craziness, they fail to pay it off.

Nothing embodies the movie’s consistent swing-and-a-miss run than the extreme close-up of a tick burrowed into a hunter’s testicle. What happens? The parasitic arachnid is simply plucked from the nut; the entirety of the gag is that a ball sack fills the frame. All in all, hardly worth stuffing to mount on your den’s wall. —Rod Lott

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Jim Haggerty’s Grave Danger (2009)

Poor Becky. After walking for the length of the entire opening credits to her apartment, hopes for R&R get decimated by a phone call from an unnamed man who wants to tell her some “scary stories” and says she’s in … grave danger!

And also she’s in Jim Haggerty’s Grave Danger, a no-budget, shot-on-video anthology from the New York-based moviemaker whose name adorns the title. Not exactly the cachet of Tyler Perry, but perhaps a PSA of sorts, lest someone thinks they’re renting Quentin Tarantino’s CSI two-parter.

In the first story, paranoid Victor (Jae Mosc) believes he’s being followed by a tuxedoed chap, whom no one else sees. Becky’s reaction to this tale o’ terror? “Yes, it scared me. It was scary. Okay, is that what you want? Yes, it scared me.”

Then, there’s Carol (Kate Webster), who buys a gaudy tribal statuette that entrances her into donning lingerie and seducing deliverymen, only to kill them.

Thirdly and finally, Abe (Bud Stafford, The Putt Putt Syndrome) is a washed-up ventriloquist struggling to afford meds for his ailing wife (Kaye Bramblett, Squeeze Play). When a birthday party gig stiffs him on payment, Phineas extracts the debt in blood. Phineas is his dummy, BTW.

Oh, in between those vignettes, the caller (Jonathan Holtzman, Sweet, Sweet Lonely Girl) convinces Becky (Debbie Kopacz) to undress to nothing. She complies.

Needless to say, none of Grave Danger qualifies as scary, outside of characters’ goombah pronunciations like “PAH-k,” “TAH-k” and “re-TAHD” for, respectively, “park,” “talk” and, well, let’s not get canceled. It needs a fourth story in which Haggerty explains how he convinces all these women — friends? family? apartment complex neighbors? — to take off all their clothes for, what, maybe $20 and free cardboard pizza?

Strangely, the one who doesn’t is top-billed Cathy St. George, erstwhile Playboy Playmate for August 1982, as Dr. Geraldine Masters, which I take as a reference to Don’t Look in the Basement. —Rod Lott

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The Mouse Trap (2024)

Monday, Jan. 1, 2024 — a date which will live in infamy — the original version of Mickey Mouse scampered into the public domain. And enterprising filmmaker Simon Phillips was ready, dropping a trailer for the slasher flick Mickey’s Mouse Trap.

Now simply titled The Mouse Trap, it borrows the Star Wars crawl to deliver a disclaimer erring on the side of the caution, lest someone confuse this for actual Walt Disney Company product. With this Mickey teleporting and stabbing, how could they?

At the FunHaven arcade, the manager (Phillips) forces Alex (Sophie McIntosh, The Sacrifice Game) to work late on her 21st birthday for a party that’s rented out the place. Turns out, it’s for Alex — a pretty shitty thing for her “friends” to do, if you ask me. They kick off a night of sex, drugs and Skee-Ball — all spoiled by the Mickey-masked manager, who kills them one by one … and sometimes by two, somehow hiding within a space that isn’t exactly a labyrinth.

Why become such a fun-killer? If Phillips knows, his script doesn’t show it. As far as I could muster, it’s because the manager spills a drink on a frayed cord of a film projector loaded with Mickey’s debut cartoon, Steamboat Willie, thereby transforming him into a homicidal maniac. I suppose that could happen, question mark.

Unlike the similar Winnie-the-Pooh: Blood and Honey, the movie is watchable, with Deinfluencer director Jamie Bailey giving it more of the rhythms that resemble a “real” film. Also unlike Blood and Honey, in a select few spots, it approaches fun. (One of them: Asked whether she’s ever seen a horror movie, a young woman answers, “No, Marcus, I have a sex life!”)

But very much like Blood and Honey, The Mouse Trap is first and foremost a rushed-out cash grab, existing only to exploit Disney’s copyright loss before anyone else could, quality be damned. Another commonality the two flicks share: just ending without an ending. While I get the curiosity factor, this chunk of cheese isn’t worth taking the bait. —Rod Lott

Get it at Amazon.

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