Beckman (2020)

In the realm of Christploitation flicks, David A.R. White is, arguably, the cinematic king of kings in this straight-to-video subgenre. From racial comedies to post-apocalyptic road movies — and let’s not forget the immortal God’s Not Dead trilogy — White manages to take a popular film of the day, give it a Christian message and, believe it or not, make it incredibly entertaining.

And now, with John Wick being so well-liked among the secular tribes of America, in Beckman, he crafts quite possibly the world’s first Christian action flick two-fisting audiences with well-choreographed martial arts, downright bloody head shots and a whole lot of the Word of God.

A hitman is looking for a way out of his murderous life after an explosive opening. The contract killer is the titular Beckman (White), who wanders into a church run by former Vietnam doc Phillip (Jeff Fahey). Given grace by the embittered preacher, Beckman apparently earns a pastoral degree in a year’s time and becomes the rightful heir to the house of worship when Phillip dies.

As Beckman faces a crisis of conscience and a failing of faith, in comes Phillip’s teenage niece, Tabitha (Brighton Sharbino), looking for a port in the storm herself. Almost immediately, he starts calling her his “daughter” and asks nothing about her shady past until a gang of thugs bust into the church and kidnaps her, taking her to be sacrificed by cult leader William Baldwin.

Rightfully so, Beckman goes on a rage-fueled rampage across L.A. to find her, with some of the city’s hottest killers going on a tear to find him.

Beckman is, praise be, loaded with biblical messages and other righteous truths, but a devilish amount of it is gunplay and blood spray that, I’m presuming, might have some sort of spiritual credence to it as well. While your grandmother may not approve of it, it’s an inventive way to spread the message, with White never turning Beckman in a religious parody to be nailed to any cross.

Baldwin, on the other hand, is written as such a devious tool of Satan — mostly in a NXIVM mode, mind you — that, it might be somewhat unholy to say, you just can’t wait to see him get his in the end and, boy, does he. No cheek is left unturned and unkicked-in here, with every moment a ballistic blessing to watch. Amen. —Louis Fowler

Get it at Amazon.

Viva Santo and His Pals (1994)

WTFEveryone’s favorite husky Mexican wrestler with a mask, a cape and the ability to put wolfmen in headlocks like no other — El Santo, in case I didn’t narrow it down enough for you — is celebrated with this bone-crunchin’ compilation of his greatest triumphs, both in and out of the ring.

Honest talk: I started to find the in-ring footage tedious, as there’s only so much wrestling my brain can take before shuttering operations.

The out-of-ring stuff, however, gives this Something Weird Video assemblage its delirious kick: Santo fights fanged babes; Santo tackles zombies; Santo packs a wallop to a slow-moving, human-eating blob — all in scenes from such south-of-the-border exploits as Santo vs. the Vampire Women, Santo vs. the TV Killer and Santo vs. the Diabolical Hatchet.

As you may infer from the second half of Viva Santo and His Pals’ title, friends occasionally show up. One such pal, Blue Demon, joins in the creature-hunting, back-cracking fun of Santo and Blue Demon vs. the Monsters.

If the Academy of Motion Pictures Arts and Sciences ever see it fit to award Santo a Lifetime Achievement Oscar (and they won’t), the clips have already been selected, and they’re all here in this two-hour collection. —Rod Lott

Get it at dvdrparty.

A Night to Dismember (1989)

That a good chunk of A Night to Dismember’s climax takes place in daylight should surprise nobody fluent in the slasher film’s director, Doris Wishman.

Years ago, Vicki Kent (Samantha Fox — the porn one, not the music/model one) axed a couple of neighborhood boys to death. The act earned her a lengthy stay at a sanitarium. As she’s released into the real world — or as real as living with one’s parents can be — Vicki attempts readjustment to “normal” life. However, her brother (South Bronx Heroes director William Szarka) would rather she not be free to murder again, so he attempts to scare her back into hospitalization by going to the store to buy “a hideous mask.”

Also, the crudely depicted killings begin anew, which private detective Tim O’Malley (William Longo Jr.) investigates and narrates … and narrates … and narrates. The events constituting Dismember — including one death by car rollover — are told to us this way because Wishman didn’t film with live sound; even if she hadn’t dubbed everything in post, viewers still would require narration for a base level of comprehension, especially with an untold number of family tree branches thrown at us in the opening minutes. God bless her, Wishman held a unique approach to filmmaking — one in which the written word was never secondary, because it was always tertiary.

Further throwing your grasp on lucidity are shots that look to come from different stock, if not entire decades. With the occasional photograph or negative image spliced in, A Night to Dismember resembles the result of a particularly tricky filmmaking challenge — one in which Wishman either compiled the entire movie from existing footage to fit Judith J. Kushner’s script, or edited an entire movie and then asked Kushner to fashion a script around that. Honestly, the movie is so disorienting, disorganized and discombobulated, neither is out of the realm of possibility. It could use a couple of Deadly Weapons. —Rod Lott

Get it at dvdrparty.

Bloodshot (2020)

Dumb meatheads need superheroes too, I guess, and that’s pretty much why companies like Image Comics, Boom! Studios and, in the case of Bloodshot, Valiant Comics were created. With practically every title of theirs a four-color tribal tattoo on acid-free paper, that same illustrated idiocy has moved to the movie screen with the spectacularly stupid movie of the same name.

Human circumcised penis Vin Diesel is Ray Garrison, a former special-ops soldier who not only watches his wife murdered Anton Chigurh-style, but is shot in the head for his troubles. He wakes up to find that all of his blood has been replaced by nanobots and he is virtually indestructible. As his memory comes back to him, he escapes to track the killer down.

Repeat ad infinitum.

It turns out that the guy behind Rising Spirit Technologies, the company that keeps bringing Ray back, is a petty crybaby who is using Ray to settle his own personal scores. Of course, eventually Ray finds out about this and, in his gravelly sluggish way, doles out super-powered retribution that typically involves his face getting blasted off and slowly reassembled.

He’s called Bloodshot, we learn toward the end, because his eyes go bloodshot when he uses his regeneration powers, zoomed in on closely while fighting down the side of a skyscraper in Kuala Lumpur.

From this brief description, the film might sound plenty entertaining; in reality, it’s mind-numbingly slow and, worse, brain-fryingly dumb. It reminds me of those terrible ’90s-era adaptations of indie comics like Spawn, minus the badly rendered computer demons, something that might have actually helped save this no-necked junk. —Louis Fowler

Get it at Amazon.

The Dead Ones (2019)

The tagline for the existential teen horror flick The Dead Ones is “High School Is Hell,” which almost immediately should give you an idea where we’re going with this whole thing: to hell.

A quartet of thoroughly irritating teens with slight mental issues are taken in the middle of the night to clean up their high school, I’m guessing as punishment. As they barely scrub the dirt and debris that seems to have settled in, they gripe, complain and cut themselves. Meanwhile, a second group of teens heavily into Slipknot cosplay attack the sleeping school at the same time.

But as the time periods constantly shift — and more monsters and other horrific visions start to appear — it becomes heavily evident where the teens are and why. Apparently this is the devil’s detention hall. (Detention hell?)

After living through 20 or so years of some of the more nightmarish of school shootings, it’s a bit shocking to see director Jeremy Kasten — he of The Wizard of Gore remake fame — present the teens’ backstories of abuse and whatnot as a means to garner these kids a little sympathy, but it’s an attempt that falls painfully flat once they strap on masks and a few guns.

I do have to wonder though how a group of teens were able to afford masks with state-of-the-art voice changers and boss leather jackets and pants, not to mention the high-powered assault rifles. Scratch that last one — this is America, after all. —Louis Fowler

Get it at Amazon.

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