When Shock Treatment arrived in the mail, I was admittedly ecstatic. The lesser-known sequel to The Rocky Horror Picture Show is one of my favorite flicks and truly overdue for a Region A Blu-ray treatment. Sadly, as I looked closer at the cover and read the synopsis, I realized this Shock Treatment is, instead, a French horror film.
Maybe next time.
Still, I’m a fan of French films and this strange movie starring Annie Girardot and Alain Delon (and his penis) is one of the strangest. Workaday woman Helene (Girardot) checks in to a seaside rejuvenation clinic and, for 80 minutes, we’re treated to nude massages, nude beach frolicking and nude injections of a urine-looking serum into the buttocks, mostly administered by easygoing Dr. Devilers (Delon).
Wait a second: Devilers? Devil? You don’t think …
Probably not — the film’s not that strange. It seems the true horror lies in the final 10 minutes when Helene goes into a locked room she shouldn’t and finds the gory truth of this clinic, with a gooey mess that, in typical (not Jess) Franco-fashion, was all for naught. This finale can be a little bit maddening if you’re not used to it.
Moving along with the languid pace of runaway escargot, Shock Treatment is a slow (oh so slow) burn that will test the patience of most viewers, but with the constant penile dangling, it’s hard to fast-forward through. While the film never really gels, it’s more concerned about telling a morality tale or, more to the point, just immoral tail.
Danger USA begins like no other action film, except Mind Trap, its alternate title: with a woman fighting off a burglar in her home, which is revealed to be built inside an 18-wheeler barreling down the freeway. I’m still trying to parse this problematic prologue, like how a house can be in broad daylight when it’s literally enclosed in a windowless semi.
I’ve already given this more thought than director Eames Demetrios, grandson of mid-century modern legends Charles and Ray Eames. Let’s just say the family’s creativity genes for designing furniture and architecture did not extend to fictional filmmaking — not even for insane and nonsensical VHS premieres with the budget of whatever Demetrios’ vowels could garner on Wheel of Fortune.
Attractive one-and-doner Martha Kincare plays Shana, an action-movie actress forced to become an action hero IRL when the KGB targets her for the whereabouts of her father’s invention, “the Dream Room,” which is just what it sounds like, plus operated by the Clapper. The Russkies on Shana’s tail include femme fatale Sonja (Maureen LaVette, Virgin High), she of the “moose and squirrel” accent, and Mojo (Frogtown II‘s Kelsey — just Kelsey, thanks), which he claims is short for “more johnson.”
Mojo delivers this nomenclature lesson while unzipping his pants to rape Shana’s sister, Ginger (Jacquie Banan, Desperation Rising). However, thanks to erectile dysfunction — thanks, erectile dysfunction! — he can’t carry out the dirty deed, leading to taunts from not only Ginger and Shana, but his teammates. Nonetheless, Sonja and the gang succeed at killing Shana and Ginger’s mother (Mary MacGyver, another one-and-doner); Shana tearlessly responds with a line of dialogue equally as lifeless: “Mom, you were great. Crazy, but great.”
Viewers are urged to keep their ears peeled for similar winning lines — e.g., “You know your father was an accomplished ventriloquist,” “You’re engaged to a tapeworm” and “You and your pussy are gonna pay for that one!”
In one of his post-coke-arrest roles, former Grizzly Adams star Dan Haggerty gets top billing as movie producer Sergei — repeat: Dan Haggerty is Sergei — and he’s as mumble-mouthed as he is corpulent. He and his exhausted suspenders have little to do in Danger USA, other than to use two breaths to inflate a single party balloon to a quarter than expected, and to get Shana an audition. I think the latter to-do item helps advance the plot, but when a third of the flick passes before Demetrios establishes Danger USA‘s who, what, where, when, why and how as properly as he’s able, it’s tough to know for sure.
Also caught up in the shapeless mass — the movie, that is, not Haggerty — are Shana’s air-horn-obsessed fiancé (Thomas Elliot, Year of the Gun), who goes clinically catatonic after losing a finger; a breast-milk-obsessed director (Sam Hill, what in the) who employs a topless secretary; and Lyle Waggoner (TV’s Wonder Woman) as the guy Shana throws onto the highway at high speed, right after throwing a cat at his face, followed by the Yellow Pages.
These narrative live wires converge as a captive Shana tricks one of the villains into having sex with her as the precious seconds of their time bomb tick by. All too trusting, the guy asks her how much longer they have left, rather than pause his humping to look at the timer his own damn self.
Movie, you were great. Crazy, but great. —Rod Lott
Apparently, the rescuers arriving in the final frames of 1972’s The Poseidon Adventure stuck around for all of 15 minutes, because when Irwin Allen’s sequel begins the same day of the topsy-turvy event, the once-mighty ship and all its innards are up for grabs. This time around, our ostensible heroes are the aptly named Turner (Michael Caine, having learned nothing from The Swarm), captain of a mortgage-hilted tugboat; his salty right-hand man (Karl Malden, Meteor); and flibbertigibbet Celeste (Sally Field, Smokey and the Bandit), who might be a prostitute.
On New Year’s Day, Turner and crew arrive at Poseidon’s wreckage to salvage all the jewels and money. They’re not alone, either, because posing as medical rescue personnel are a terrorist (a super-suave, snot-slick Telly Savalas, Killer Force) and his goons, seeking barrels of plutonium. Everybody crawls inside, thus beginning what amounts to the Poseidon as haunted house and/or escape room, with each character taking turns climbing ladders, crossing makeshift bridges, dodging flames, leaping over holes and — in Turner’s case only — referring to Celeste as “Monkey.”
Members of the all-star cast balloon as the group goes further (and then decrease accordingly with each set piece). Among them are a mouthy bar owner (Young Frankenstein’s Peter Boyle in a pink puffy shirt), a blind man (Jack Warden, Used Cars), a farmer (Mark Harmon in a bowl cut) and, playing against type, White Line Fever’s Slim Pickens as a quantum physicist.
I’m totally kidding. Pickens plays a wino named Tex who says things like, “I smell grub! … All kinds of vittles!”
Beyond the Poseidon Adventure harbors a bad reputation, and while it’s not up to the excitement of the original, it’s not a waterlogged failure if judged on sheer spectacle. If Beyond is guilty of one thing above all else, it’s being late to the game; audiences were simply tired of the disaster movie by 1979, whereas seven years before, the first Poseidon Adventure garnered eight Oscar nominations. It’s not like Allen veered creatively from his bread-and-butter formula in this follow-up, sticking with the kablooey effects, obstacle-course sets and teeter-totter acting as the camera turns to and fro. Nevertheless, this sunk his career as director. —Rod Lott
It always bothered me that The Last Starfighter was never that big a smash among the youth of 1984.
My family never went to the movies when I was a kid, so when it was originally released, I had to make do with the novelization I picked up at a Scholastic Book Fair. I read the tome cover to cover for months until it finally premiered on HBO, fully living up to — and surpassing — my juvenile imagination. (I felt the same way about SpaceCamp, but that’s a different story.)
Teenager Alex (Lance Guest) spends most of his days pushing off his girlfriend, Maggie (Catherine Mary Stewart), to play the only video game at the trailer park, Starfighter. When he finally beats the game, a DeLorean-style space car swoops down and takes him to the farthest reaches of the galaxy to fight evil aliens intent on universal domination.
This movie had everything that would give a kid stuck in a small Texas town some hope to one day escape. Of course, being so young, I didn’t leave for many years, happy enough to just watch this movie for the time being. But, every time I passed the Space Invaders machine in the local diner, that didn’t mean I didn’t give it my damnedest, quarter after quarter, just in case.
Watching the movie some 30-plus years later, that same feeling of astral escape is still present, with believable performances from both Guest and Stewart. And, upon this recent viewing, I was surprised to see Dan O’Herlihy — he of Halloween III, RoboCop and The Whoopee Boys fame — underneath all that makeup as the friendly reptilian navigator Grig.
And while I have come to realize no distant extraterrestrial races have put an arcade game in an inconspicuous spot for intergalactic enlistment as a star warrior, if I see one, I always stop to give it the once-over, because you never know. —Louis Fowler
Jordan Todorov’s 2011 documentary, Dad Made Dirty Movies, is a wonderful introduction to one of cult film’s best-kept secrets. But Todorov’s new book on the topic, Dad Made Dirty Movies: The Erotic World of Stephen C. Apostolof, is even better. Although the ideal is to consume both media, 58 minutes face a sheer disadvantage against 336 pages.
Written with Joe Blevins and published by McFarland & Company, the book serves as not just a full biography of Apostolof, but the definitive source of information on this unheralded sexploitation pioneer. Even in death, Apostolof continues to live in Ed Wood’s shadow, thanks to their partnership on a handful of films — most notably, 1965’s immortal Orgy of the Dead. Todorov’s work goes a long way in restoring the proper amount of luster to Apostolof’s contributions.
Tracing his transformation from Bulgarian by blood to vulgarian by trade, the book functions best once Apostolof starts making softcore skinflicks. However, don’t dare skip the initial few chapters, because he led quite a life before becoming an off-color/off-Hollywood director, from working for tips as a whorehouse piano player to being sentenced to a concentration camp — all before fleeing his homeland for a fresh start in America.
With Orgy of the Dead marking his directorial debut, the riotous stories from behind the camera are, naturally, like something out of Ed Wood (a biopic that raised Apostolof’s ire, by the way, upon not being invited to take part and not being recognized himself). The contrast of the two men is fascinating, with Apostolof all business and the total pro, and Wood a full-blown alcohol constantly teetering — literally and metaphorically — toward a sad, self-made demise.
Sure, the thrice-married Apostolof had his failings, too, but they were largely about his inability to financially plan for the future, especially after the market for his breasty brand of bread-and-butter dried up with the proliferation of hardcore pornography. Today, more eccentric cineastes continue to discover and celebrate the relative joys of Fugitive Girls and College Girls Confidential, but in Apostolof’s time, the life for these films was fleeting — petering out shortly after viewers’ collective refractory period.
Despite carrying over the documentary’s title, the book is not framed from the Apostolof children’s point of view, although they certainly provide memories, clear up misinformation and dispel rumors. I found myself envious of son Steve, entering puberty as he visits the set of Dad’s Lady Godiva Rides, a vehicle for the buxom blonde Marsha Jordan.
Film by film, milestone after milestone, Todorov and Blevins tell their subject’s story with reserved reverence — unclouded by rose-colored fanboy glasses — and a fair amount of good humor. Some of the funny bits sneak up on the reader: “[Drop-Out] composer Jaime Mendoza-Nava provided another part-Latin, part-Muzak score. This time, he was billed as J. Mendozoff, a pseudonym that sounds like an over-the-counter sleep aid.” Other instances are more expected, but no less effective: “There are several unproduced Wood screenplays from this era whose titles tell you all you need to know about their contents: The Teachers, The Basketballers, The Airline Hostesses. You don’t need to read them to guess that they respectively concern teachers, basketballs and airline hostesses screwing their brains out.”
With more than 100 photos throughout, Dad Made Dirty Movies closes with a novel appendix offering a peek behind the curtain: two outlines for Apostolof’s never-realized The Immoral Artist, all of four combined pages. You don’t need to read it to guess that it concerns an artist who wants to screw his brains out. —Rod Lott
When Shock Treatment arrived in the mail, I was admittedly ecstatic. The lesser-known sequel to The Rocky Horror Picture Show is one of my favorite flicks and truly overdue for a Region A Blu-ray treatment. Sadly, as I looked closer at the cover and read the synopsis, I realized this Shock Treatment is, instead, a French horror film.
It always bothered me that 
