What happens when you mix escapees from the State Asylum for the Criminally Insane
with the worst-behaving students at the Oxford Corrective Institute for Young Women? The super-sleazy Delinquent Schoolgirls, in which they show up their “chauvinist pig” principal by not wearing their bras to exercise class; in which one fears having her vagina torn apart by a large partner; and in which an elderly herpetology professor (Ralph Campbell, Superchick) hypnotizes a student (Jane Steele) to have his way with her — watch out for snakes, dear!

Acting not entirely unlike The Three Stooges, the crazies — leader Clooney (Michael Pataki, Easy Rider), African-American Big Dick (Bob Minor, Escape from New York) and flaming homosexual Bruce (Stephen Stucker, Airplane!) — first invade the home of nympho housewife Ellie (Julie Gant), whose husband (George “Buck” Flower, They Live) can’t satisfy her needs: “Sex, sex, sex, that’s all you ever talk about: sex,” he says, telling her to stop watching her her “soap oprys.” Big Dick shows her what she’s been missing as Bruce plays the piano and Bruce does a Daffy Duck impression. Screams Ellie mid-rape, “This is positively indecent!”

You ain’t seen nothin’ yet. The guys then infiltrate the school during a holiday, where the bad girls have not been allowed to go home. Wacky music plays as the comically large-breasted ladies are molested against their will in the kitchen. Big Dick does so much squeezing, I wonder if Minor contracted carpal tunnel. The next scene, the rapists and their victims are all enjoying a meal together. Later, there’s a slap fight at gunpoint. Good times.

It took three men to write something as misogynist as this, giving Big Dick a refractory period that must hover around two minutes. His appetite for laying pipe inspires most of his dialogue:
• “Hey you guys know somethin’? Well, I’m gonna tell you anyway: I want some pussy!”
• “I never made it with a chick in a trance before.”
• “Aw, man, I don’t want wheels — I want some nookie!”
• “Fantastic! Grapefruit city!”
• “Look at all that young, tender, gorgeous snatch!”

Admittedly, Delinquent Schoolgirls — aka Carnal Madness — is bursting at the seams with beautiful, buoyant babes, including pin-up legend Roberta Pedon, Sharon Kelly (Russ Meyer’s Supervixens) and Brenda Miller, so it’s tough not to appreciate it on an eye-candy level. Just note that doing so may make you feel like, to quote Bruce, a “demented crouton!” —Rod Lott

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As far as I know, Secrets of Sex is the only film I know of — softcore or otherwise — to open with a quote from John Milton and be narrated by a mummy. (No wonder it’s alternately known as Bizarre.) Living 1,000 years wrapped in gauze is certain to give one quite the case of blue balls, so said mummy leads the viewer through several near-non-sequitur stories involving the ol’ slap-and-tickle.

An early sequence depicts the film’s female starlets in their underwear, being pelted with tomatoes, leading into the first tale, in which a woman photographs men in poses of medieval torture. Cutting into her lunch of steak has a voodoo-esque effect on the model she left strung up. Later, a man catches a comely cat burglar (Cathy Howard, School for Sex) pilfering his home, so naturally, he ends up rubbing lemon-cucumber soap all over her naked body in the shower. Moving to the bed, he stuffs a phone receiver down back of her panties so the other line can hear whatever it is one would hear from such awkward placement.

Perhaps the most amusing vignette is a spy spoof, in which one Col. X briefs his curvy Agent 28 (Maria Frost, School for Sex) to infiltrate a foreign embassy; seduction becomes a required part of the mission. Sandwiched within the segment is a spot-on parody of a silent comedy, a bedroom farce circa 1929. Elsewhere in Secrets, a man (Elliott Stein, one of the screenwriters) orders a hooker (Benny Hill girl Sue Bond) for some lizard-loving, and an elderly woman puts her past lovers’ souls — all 17 of them — into garden flowers.

The film ends with fireworks that score an orgy ever after. As if you couldn’t tell, Secrets of Sex is nonsensical, but nudity trumps lucidity in such a project, and this UK one actually possesses as much brains as beauty. The women are gorgeous and natural, and the proceedings told with so much humor that it reeks of being good-natured. Director Antony Balch (Horror Hospital) bathes it in such vibrant colors, it’s a practically a piece of Pop Art — with just as little meaning, but none of the pretension. —Rod Lott

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In the Spider-Man spoof Spiderbabe, Misty Mundae plays Patricia Porker, a hot female nerd who is bitten by her science teacher’s giant arachnid. At first, she just feels sick, but then a car comes along and — whoosh! — she is crawling on the walls of a building. Spider-Man enthusiasts will recall this scene from the classic Amazing Fantasy #15. Director Johnny Crash obviously knows his stuff when it comes to Marvel Comics lore.

After this exciting sequence, Spiderbabe continues as a pitch-perfect parody of the Spidey origin story, except there are a few important differences. Most importantly, as with the other films in the Seduction Cinema “multiverse,” the chicks get into the lesbionic action at the drop of a hat. Also, all the major Spidey characters are re-imagined as females. This comes in handy when Patricia tries to convince her boss at the newspaper not to run negative Spiderbabe stories. Also, instead of shooting webs from her wrists, she shoots webs from her nether-regions. Her web-squirting genitals come as quite a surprise to everyone in the movie, including Spiderbabe herself.

Crash does a great job of keeping the action moving at comic-book speed. You know it’s a good sign when you are eager for the lesbian sequences to reach their climax so the real action can resume. The special effects are good in a low-budget, “Look, Ma! I know how to use Adobe After Effects” style. There are a few embarrassing sequences, such as the final shot when Spiderbabe jumps onto the Statue of Liberty’s shoulder. Also, the wall-crawling action just felt a little bit fake. But overall, the movie looks amazing.

If there is anything lacking about Spiderbabe, it is the villain. Fem-tillian just seems stupid to me and, more importantly, is not a direct parody of any of the real Spider-Man’s rogue’s gallery. Just imagine the erotic possibilities of Doctor Octopus or the Rhino. Nevertheless, Spiderbabe is a real treat for fans of Spidey, B-movies and lesbians. And that is something I think we can all agree on. —Ed Donovan

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This Sinderella story is just like Disney’s Cinderella, but live-action and with exposed B cups. Suzanne Sybele stars as Sinderella, a pretty but picked-upon young woman who basically serves as slave to her evil stepmother and her two hideous daughters.

They won’t let Sin go to the royal ball, but to her rescue comes Fairy Godfather Sydney Lassick (Cheswick from One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest), fitting her with a golden bra and other grand articles of clothing. At the ball, the masked Sin has a grand time dancing with Prince David, who falls for her hard. But she stays too long and her clothes fall off, so she flees, leaving behind her golden bra and a mystery as to who she is.

Feeling sorry for his son, the king decrees that all maidens in the village must try on the bra. Whoever possesses the boobs that fit into it perfectly must be the prince’s intended princess, so he and his assistants go door to door and have various women expose their various-sized breasts and try on the undergarment. Just when he’s given up hope, the prince finds Sinderella and thankfully, it fits her tits!

This is one of those nudie-cuties that manages to make female nudity seem rather tame, if not downright dull. But you gotta love the concept, even if it is prefaced with a puppet-laden credit sequence, too-tight tights for all the men, several musical numbers (the first of which has the king sing while topless chicks play with yarn), school-play staging and Lassick playing a scene in drag, effectively putting the “fairy” in “fairy tale.” —Rod Lott

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“Won’t you believe in me? If you do, there will always be mermaids.” So beckons a sexy, near-breathless female voice at the beginning of The Mermaids of Tiburon. Before you answer, let me tell you the fish-femmes in this strange breed of nature film (the exploratory-earth kind) and nature film (the nudie-cutie kind) are far more well-endowed than that cartoon one on the tuna label.

As the title has it, the film takes place on Tiburon, a Mexican island in the Gulf of California, where marine biologist Dr. Samuel Jamison (George Rowe) embarks on a “most extraordinary adventure.” Calm down, however, because it has to do with finding riches of pearls. Old man Steinhauer (John Mylong, Robot Monster‘s professor) proposes a partnership: “You can be astounded at what you find down there.”

At no point, however, does he say, “And by that I mean, mermaids with tits as big as my head.” Because that’s what the island’s “100 miles of dry sand and granite” gets you: topless, top-heavy mermaids — some with fins, some without, who needs continuity with cans like that? — who swim about and have no problem showing their, um, gills. It’s so innocent by today’s standards that it’s as harmless as a National Geographic special.

Whoever thought pulchritude could be so … well, deathly boring? The women playing the mermaids are lovely, especially Playboy Playmate Diane Webber, but beauty only gets you so far (and that includes the terrific underwater photography). The basically plotless flick spends so much time on scenery that the barking of sea lions counts as action, so when the man-eating shark shows up, you’re praying for blood. According to Tiburon, “Time has no meaning to these creatures,” and we experience that. Painfully. —Rod Lott

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