If there’s one giant monster I’ve ever truly felt sorry for, it’s The Ancient Enemy. Most cinematic behemoths don’t get much in the way of inner conflict or psychological depth. Phantoms, however, provides the audience with a study of the God complex, in the guise of an intelligent oil slick with visions of deification and serous inferiority issues who just wants to be remembered. I feel rather bad for the poor ol’ goop.

And it tries so hard to be one of the greats. It replicates humans like Invasion of the Body Snatchers. It haunts the sewers like The Blob. It manifests the creepiest dog this side of The Thing. It uses giant moths to sucks out brains; it wipes out an entire town in an afternoon; and it even gives birth to a Lovecraftian cross of Liev Schreiber and a land squid.

But it just can’t seal the deal. All it takes to defeat it is a few vials of virus and Peter O’Toole (in an endearing performance of the sort only older English actors can pull off: equal parts gravitas and ham, replete with droll line readings that completely obliterate everyone else onscreen, including Sheriff Ben Affleck and Rose McGowan).

Phantoms is hardly perfect, often barely more than good, which is par for the course for anything author Dean Koontz has ever touched (the man positively reeks of adequacy). But director Joe Chappelle (Halloween: The Curse of Michael Myers) understands how to create atmosphere, even if he doesn’t always succeed. He plays with silence and long takes, yet knows when to go for the gusto, makes the most of a low budget, keeps the cheap CGI to a bare minimum, and succeeds with a few of the creepiest moments I’ve seen in film. (That dog. That dog!)

All told, Phantoms is an effective creature feature that has quickly become a personal late-night staple, a cinematic snack to gobble down with cheap liquor and chips. Bonus points for the genius second act; the military and scientists arrive to survey the situation — a scenario which would normally result in an epic end battle of guns, mortars and tanks à la Godzilla — and The Ancient Enemy wipes them out in five minutes. Five! —Corey Redekop

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Although he’s second-billed, Jim Hutton (TV’s Ellery Queen) plays Arnold Masters, the Psychic Killer in question. Wearing red-rimmed glasses that likely make him the least popular man behind bars, he’s institutionalized for a murder he swears he did not commit. And he didn’t. But give the man some time.

After a fellow mental patient commits suicide, Arnold learns the man willed him some sort of voodoo necklace, which enables him to astral-project into others’ bodies and do some crimes. Once the murder charges are dropped and Arnold his free, he uses his new jewelry as often as a teenage boy does erections.

Anyone responsible for the death of his mother and his wrongful imprisonment are at the top of Arnold’s shit list. A rapey doctor goes kablooey; a hot nurse is scalded to death in the shower, as its head cranes to follow her around the tight space; a cop drives his car off a cliff; a contractor is smashed by a cement block; a butcher is chased by slabs of meat until he gets caught in a machine that turns him into ground round. It’s tough not to think of the Final Destination series since the culprit is nowhere present at these grisly deaths.

Because Hutton was such a likable actor — or perhaps I’m just a sick bastard — I was rooting for Arnold, and not for the gruff detective (Paul Burke, Valley of the Dolls) eager to get his goat. Directed and co-written by Ray Danton (Deathmaster), the film alternates between police procedural and speculative fiction, with some surprising gore sprinkled about, and topped with one of the screen’s oddest stripteases (courtesy of Love Me Deadly’s Mary Wilcox). Yet for some reason, it doesn’t feel like a mess; it feels like an undiscovered gem of weirdo ’70s cinema. —Rod Lott

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Stephen King never should have been allowed to direct, but we have Maximum Overdrive in our lives anyway. It’s about how machines get minds of their own during a nine-day period in which the tail of a comet passes over Earth. And the movie is trash — occasionally enjoyable trash, but trash nonetheless.

If you were to judge Overdrive from its first 15 minutes only, it’d be an awesome spectacle of technology gone mad. A drawbridge opens on its own without warning, causing a major car smash-up and Marla Maples getting smashed by a watermelon. A steamroller bursts onto the field of a Little League game, shortly after the coach is felled by a soda machine violently shooting out pop cans like cannonballs. A waitress is attacked by an electric knife. A black guy gets turned extra-crispy by a video game.

But then there’s the rest of the running time to contend with, as fry cook Emilio Estevez and company — including Yeardley Smith, the voice of The Simpsons‘ Lisa Simpson, best heard and not seen — hole themselves up in a truck stop while the semis — including one with a Green Goblin face on its front grill — circle outside without drivers, awaiting fresh prey.

This is where Overdrive — remade for TV in 1997 as the inferior Trucks — downshifts into severe repetition, drawing out its scenario to the point where it ceases to be fun, even the mindless kind. Although I like the clever touch of the runaway ice cream truck eerily playing “King of the Road,” the bombastic AC/DC score is enough to make one pull out his hair. —Rod Lott

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In the near future, Jennifer Jason Leigh is Allegra Gellar, the world’s best game designer. The controls for her game look like pulsating handheld vaginas, and they attach directly to your spine with an umbilical cord. As the film opens, Leigh and a dozen others are test-driving her new virtual-reality game for the first time when she’s nearly assassinated by a man with a gun made of flesh that shoots teeth.

In case you couldn’t guess by now, eXistenZ was written and directed by David Cronenberg.

With various people wanting her dead, Allegra goes on the run with her company’s PR trainee, played by Jude Law. He’s never played her games before, so they get the necessary “bioport” installed in his back at a local gas station by attendant Willem Dafoe. Now Jude and Jen can play the game together to make sure it works.

The game plants Jude on the assembly line, cutting open mutated frogs for parts to make mini gamepods. This, incidentally, is where the movie starts to go south. Jen worries about her own gamepod, because it’s sick and diseased, and you wonder how the actors were able to keep a straight face.

Both Law and Leigh are fine, even if I suspect the latter is convinced she’s playing Elisabeth Shue. What’s Cronenberg trying to say in the Möbius-strip eXistenZ? Hell if I know! But for a while, I liked how he said it — gory amphibian parts, clitoral joysticks and all. —Rod Lott

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Hammer Film Productions was and is known for horror, but give the group credit for its one and only attempt at a sci-fi Western in Moon Zero Two. In the year 2021, the moon is inhabited; its residents play a circular-shaped board game called Moonopoly; and social life amounts to hanging out at the Lazy B Saloon, where the drink of choice — distilled rocket fuel, of choice — runs $35 a shot.

Our hero is Capt. William H. Kemp (James Olson, The Andromeda Strain), who specializes in retrieval of satellite scrap, and doesn’t want to shuttle interplanetary tourists: “I’m a space pilot, not a mechanically minded wet nurse.” However, when safety violations threaten to ground him, a guy’s gotta look long-term.

For Kemp, that means listening to Hubbard (Warren Mitchell, Jabberwocky), the purple-cloaked, eyepatch-sporting baldie about illegally mining the sapphire from a 6,000-ton asteroid. Total fox Clementine Taplin (Catherina von Schell, On Her Majesty’s Secret Service), searching for her missing brother, shows up to provide much sexual innuendo.

The film’s highlights are a gravity-free bar brawl, however brief, and cartoon opening credits in a loony spirit not exhibited by the mostly serious story that follows. Directed by Roy Ward Baker (Quatermass and the Pit), Moon Zero Two certainly looks cool — and sounds it, with a swingin’ ’60s score — but feels forever set at quarter-speed. Good thing that in space, no one can hear you snore. —Rod Lott

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