Part of Ground Zero Entertainment’s gray-market Black Belt Theatre budget-DVD line, Labyrinth of Death (aka Chess Boxing Matrix) is one of those logic-free, crazy Asian — or “crAsian,” as I now like to call them — movies where you understand so little (even with subtitles) that you can barely remember anything scene to scene.

Here’s what I remember:
• A hopping vampire kid.
• DragonBall-style special effects.
• Guys with painted faces.
• Jack and Mark Long presumably doing “chess boxing.”
• The hopping vampire kid peeing in one of the Long brothers’ mouths.
• The hopping vampire kid farting in the face of the other one.
• Some freaky, runty dragon monster.
• Absolutely no labyrinth, of death or of otherwise.
• Being thankful when it was over. —Rod Lott

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If released today, Drive could pass for Rush Hour 4. Coming a couple of years before the Jackie Chan/Chris Tucker smash, Drive is Rush Hour’s prototype, but with far better martial arts and someone who knows how to direct them.

A baby-faced Mark Dacascos stars as a karate expert who comes from Hong Kong to the United States. He’s been implanted with super-soldier technology that he wants to keep out of Communist China’s hands, and he’s headed for Los Angeles to sell the goods for a cool $5 million. As happens with such things, he’s followed by a gaggle of goons with an arsenal of automatic weapons. To escape from them and the police early in the film, he takes a hostage in a bar, a down-on-his-luck Kadeem Hardison (from TV’s A Different World), who serves as his reluctant partner and comic foil.

Together, they go on the run toward L.A., encountering trouble all along the way, as well as some unsolicited help from a horny motel employee (Brittany Murphy), then with her layers of baby fat and doing her caffeinated/ADD/retard thing.

Drive is so much fun that not even Hardison or Murphy — neither a reliable presence — can kill it. Directed by Steve Wang (The Guyver, Kung-Fu Rascals), this is one of those rare occasions where all the creative elements (some known for not having much creativity) simply click.

Dacascos is completely impressive, demonstrating some damned fast kung-fu moves. On the basis of this, I’m surprised his profile isn’t higher. Although strictly an American film, this has some of the most exciting and innovative martial-arts sequences you’ll see, from an assault in a tiny motel room to the climactic showdown in a space-themed bar. It’s fast, funny and full of both great little moments and big action payoffs. —Rod Lott

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From even the most generous of viewpoints, Ninja III: The Domination is an objectively terrible film, filled as it is with poorly performed stunts, choppy editing, indifferent direction, cheap-ass special effects, bland cinematography, lazy scripting and a range of truly lamentable performances.

No rational critic on the planet would be bold enough to suggest that it is anything other than a blatantly transparent ’80s attempt to combine the popularity of The Exorcist, Enter the Ninja and Flashdance into a blandly inoffensive package that is just watered down enough to work for kids, while also satisfying moronic adults on the lookout for an impressive body count.

Thankfully, I am not a rational critic. Ninja III: The Domination happens to star Lucinda Dickey, the iconic star of Breakin’ and Breakin’ 2: Electric Boogaloo, which is more than enough to compel me to watch it every chance I get.

How could I not? It’s a blatantly transparent ’80s attempt to combine the popularity of The Exorcist, Enter the Ninja and Flashdance! It don’t get any better than that!

Dickey plays Christine, a California linewoman/aerobics instructor who becomes possessed by the vengeful spirit of a Japanese ninja assassin who was killed in a truly ridiculous hail of police gunfire. Under the spirit’s control, Christine begins to stalk and kill the cops involved in the shooting, until Sho Kosugi arrives to drive the spirit out of her and battle the resurrected ninja one on one, because, “Only ninja can kill ninja!”

Awesomeness. —Allan Mott

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