When 9 Deaths of the Ninja hit theaters, I was 14 and, thus, too young to get in. I was visiting family in Kansas City, Mo., at the time, so while my cousin went to this, my younger brother and I made do with F/X elsewhere in the multiplex. Afterward, we asked how Ninja was, and all he could talk about was seeing this woman have her bikini ripped off underwater. He was a horny virgin at the time.

Now that I’ve seen it, the nudity is about the last thing I would impart to others, because this Philippines-lensed Crown International affair is among the decade’s hokiest action spectacles. Good ol’ Shô Kosugi plays Spike Shinobi, the strong, silent type of ninja. The James Bond-style credits sequence depicts a shirtless Kosugi slinging his sword as three ’80s skank hussies do interpretive dance around him and a cloud of dry ice.

Anyway, a tour group to Volcano Island is taken hostage by nondescript bad guys doing the bidding of the aptly named Alby the Cruel (Blackie Dammett), who’s confined to a wheelchair, wears fingerless gloves and strokes his pet monkey. His hostages — “such a pitiful group!” — include a Congressman, a girl on heart meds, and Kosugi’s two real-life sons, one of whom lights a would-be rapists’ ass on fire.

With the help of two American agents, Spike tosses his stars to take down all the villains, including the Amazonian woman named Honey Hump (Regina Richardson). There are a lot of whores in this movie, too (“My girls are sanitized, sterilized and lobotomized,” promises one madam), but no sex. Spoiler alert: In the last scene, Alby is thrown from his wheelchair, only to be trampled by horses during a polo match, then everyone enjoys lollipops. —Rod Lott

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Positioned as a sequel – but bearing absolutely no relation – to Jet Li’s hugely enjoyable Die Hard knockoff Meltdown, the Hong Kong actioner Another Meltdown (formerly known as The Black Sheep Affair) stars Man Cheuk Chiu as Officer Dong (couldn’t they have changed that in dubbing?), a cop reassigned to the USSR after infiltrating an airplane hostage situation.

Upon arrival in Russia, he goes head to head and toe to toe with a Japanese terrorist who offs some Interpol agents at the subway station. Eventually, the bad guy kidnaps Dong’s saintly girlfriend (Shu Qi from The Transporter).

There are some good action scenes – particularly the ones that rely more on martial arts than guns, or the vehicular assault that rips off Clear and Present Danger – but the story gets too bogged down in politics, a move that also marred the then-recent Korean film Shiri.

Plus, unlike Qi, it looks really ugly. —Rod Lott

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Taoism Drunkard — one in a short line of magic-themed wirefests from Yuen Woo Ping’s clan — has been called one of the wildest martial-arts movies ever made. And for good reason: It is!

There are bad guys who put their enemies on a boiling-hot slide, a guy who has spikes pop out of his elbows and kneecaps, an old alcoholic who drives around haphazardly in a buck-toothed car, a ruler looking for young boys to pleasure him, a rotund woman who looks to be Asia’s Wendie Jo Sperber with hair drawn up in Shrek ears, gratuitous breakdancing, poison that turns women wrinkly and haggard and, perhaps most famously, an enormous Pac-Man-like bowling ball thing — aka “the Watermelon Monster” — with very sharp teeth who likes to pop out of a box and fight people.

If you’re scratching your head and thinking, “How does all that come together?,” you’ve hit upon Taoism Drunkard’s major flaw: There is no story to it, making it a bit long in the tooth. It makes the Yuens’ similar (and highly recommended) Shaolin Drunkard look positively lucid. Still, it’s nuts-ass-crazy with a lot of anything-goes inventiveness (and not just in the fight scenes), and that has to count for something.

Plus, lotsa mistranslated subtitles!
• “Astronomic bastard, you have no conscience.”
• “With you know what is swollen face & nose.”
• “Want me to rub the arse again.”
• “Let me relax tonight and sleep on your bosom… very afraid of the wake up time.”
• “Remember, I want cherry boys.”
• “I give my face & mouth a wash & to urinate.”
• “Damn it, banana addict again.”
• “Perversive old man, goes back.”
• “They are her bastards? Does it really give birth to them.”
• “I want my virgin chicken.”
• “I am fallen down to death.”
• “Saliva, nose mucus, I am give you 20% discount more.”
• “Don’t beat, don’t beat, I am Mountain Dog.”
• “Don’t hurry, I am using abdominal language to joke with you.”
• “That’s why I need to have a permanent rice coupon.” —Rod Lott

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Part of Ground Zero Entertainment’s gray-market Black Belt Theatre budget-DVD line, Labyrinth of Death (aka Chess Boxing Matrix) is one of those logic-free, crazy Asian — or “crAsian,” as I now like to call them — movies where you understand so little (even with subtitles) that you can barely remember anything scene to scene.

Here’s what I remember:
• A hopping vampire kid.
• DragonBall-style special effects.
• Guys with painted faces.
• Jack and Mark Long presumably doing “chess boxing.”
• The hopping vampire kid peeing in one of the Long brothers’ mouths.
• The hopping vampire kid farting in the face of the other one.
• Some freaky, runty dragon monster.
• Absolutely no labyrinth, of death or of otherwise.
• Being thankful when it was over. —Rod Lott

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If released today, Drive could pass for Rush Hour 4. Coming a couple of years before the Jackie Chan/Chris Tucker smash, Drive is Rush Hour’s prototype, but with far better martial arts and someone who knows how to direct them.

A baby-faced Mark Dacascos stars as a karate expert who comes from Hong Kong to the United States. He’s been implanted with super-soldier technology that he wants to keep out of Communist China’s hands, and he’s headed for Los Angeles to sell the goods for a cool $5 million. As happens with such things, he’s followed by a gaggle of goons with an arsenal of automatic weapons. To escape from them and the police early in the film, he takes a hostage in a bar, a down-on-his-luck Kadeem Hardison (from TV’s A Different World), who serves as his reluctant partner and comic foil.

Together, they go on the run toward L.A., encountering trouble all along the way, as well as some unsolicited help from a horny motel employee (Brittany Murphy), then with her layers of baby fat and doing her caffeinated/ADD/retard thing.

Drive is so much fun that not even Hardison or Murphy — neither a reliable presence — can kill it. Directed by Steve Wang (The Guyver, Kung-Fu Rascals), this is one of those rare occasions where all the creative elements (some known for not having much creativity) simply click.

Dacascos is completely impressive, demonstrating some damned fast kung-fu moves. On the basis of this, I’m surprised his profile isn’t higher. Although strictly an American film, this has some of the most exciting and innovative martial-arts sequences you’ll see, from an assault in a tiny motel room to the climactic showdown in a space-themed bar. It’s fast, funny and full of both great little moments and big action payoffs. —Rod Lott

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