With Curse of the Stone Hand, enterprising producer Jerry Warren (The Wild World of Batwoman) whipped up something special for moviegoers: a big, steaming bowl of Chile. That is, he butchered a couple of existing Chilean films from the 1940s and ’50s to create a patchwork horror anthology barely over an hour. Because mere spit won’t bind reels of celluloid, he hired John Carradine for the wraparound footage, but was too lazy to give the veteran actor a name for his character. Why bother when “The Old Drunk” will do?

So The Old Drunk (we’ll call him TOD for short) comes across a man painting a picture of an old, sober mansion before them. TOD tells the artist he used to live there and gives him the grand tour, taking care to point out the eerie sculptures of an open-palmed hand, placed in every room by previous tenants. TOD believes intent behind the statuettes was to bring about a curse, because that’s just what well-to-do families wish to do: purposely fuck up their lives.

Robert Braun sure did. In the first story, based on Robert Louis Stevenson’s “The Suicide Club” stories of 1878, the insolvent man played by Carlos Cores faces eviction if he can’t scrounge up a hunk of dough, pronto, so he takes what little cash his wife has and puts all his hopes in gambling. To paraphrase a flying squirrel, that trick never works, and you can guess how dire the stakes are merely from the source material’s title.

As for the second story, it’s about … well, hell if I know. A brother and a sister is about all I can be certain of; it’s that muddled. Somehow, the tale involves marriage, Batwoman star Katherine Victor, a water well, an off-limits cellar, a series of portraits, a science-class skeleton and much confusion on my part. —Rod Lott

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While I’m thankful Dario Argento was able to complete his long-gestating “Three Mothers” trilogy, the witch-centric films were subject to the law of diminishing returns. They began with 1977’s expert Suspiria, continued with 1980’s decent Inferno and concluded with 2007’s disappointing Mother of Tears. According to this capper, the latter is thought to be the most cruel and chaos-reveling of the three witches, but you wouldn’t know it judging from the screen’s limp results.

In the present day, a coffin and urn from 1815 are unearthed and sent to the Museum of Ancient Art in Rome. There, restoration specialist Sarah Mandy (Dario’s daughter Asia Argento, xXx) finds what’s inside: three butt-ugly statuettes and a “magic red tunic.” All hell literally breaks loose, starting with the slaughter of her co-worker but extended to the Roman citizenry at large, many of whom act like kooks, some of whom commit suicide, and one of whom throws her baby over a bridge.

Meanwhile, a coven of young, female witches arrives via commercial airlines to usher in the second age of their kind. Sarah does everything in her power to stop them — suddenly, she has acquired skills of invisibility and getting tips from her dead mother — and that includes mashing the Asian witch’s head to a pulp by slamming it in a door. Only in such oopy-goopy scenes does Papa Argento’s film seem to exhibit any spark.

Budgetary constraints ground Mother of Tears from the start. A period-piece sequence intended to fill in some witchery backstory is shown only in black-and-white illustrations; it may as well have been PowerPoint. Computerized effects embedded in the live-action scenes are unpolished enough to stick out as pixels, which goes against everything that makes Argento’s classics — and even his not-so-classics — click. His made-for-cable movies of the same era satisfy more than this half-baked work of the big screen, unable to cast any spell beyond that of boredom. —Rod Lott

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Tanya Dempsey (Shrieker) was one of the most masturbated-to starlets in the direct-to-DVD scene. It’s too bad she was constantly saddled with crappy movies like DeathBed. It seems like with a title like DeathBed, it would have to be good. However, this DeathBed doesn’t cause much death. It also doesn’t cause much sex. Mostly a bunch of dry humping. Dry humping can be good in real life when your pre-teen girlfriend is nervous about going all the way, but in movies the ladies should be ready to give it up. Especially the boobies.

DeathBed is the story of a young couple who move into a new apartment. At the beginning, it wants to be Rosemary’s Baby. Except it is shot on video. And is stupid. But Tanya Dempsey is decent to look at. Also in this movie is a guy named Dukey Flyswatter, whose face looks like dookie, and Joe Estevez (Beach Babes from Beyond). He has a talking parrot that gives plenty of wisecracks. It’s not as funny as LL Cool J’s parrot that gets eated by the shark in Deep Blue Sea. But parrots add production value.

The monster in this movie is a bed. That doesn’t sound creepy, does it? Well, it doesn’t really do anything creepy, either. Back in the old days, this would have been a raping bed. But now it just has non-scary ghosts that come out of it. Also, the boyfriend likes to give it to his girlfriend rough when he gives it to her on the DeathBed. That’s about it.

There is a good scene where Tanya Dempsey leans over for a long time and Joe Estevez looks at her cleavage and we get to look at it for a long time, too. This is a fucking B-movie; in B-movies, the chicks are supposed to be naked and getting screwed by trees (The Evil Dead) and fish men (Humanoids from the Deep). And even in one movie, they got screwed by worms. In this movie, there’s not even any nudity or any gore. It’s just boring and tries to act important.

The cover says that this is “Stuart Gordon presents.” Well, Stuart Gordon made Re-Animator and in that movie, the girl almost got screwed by a cut-off head! What is the world coming to? These girls don’t even get naked! This is what political correctness brings.

The director is Danny Draven (Reel Evil), who has made a bunch of other crappy movies. He seems to have a lot of fans. I don’t know why. This one is boring and has Joe Estevez in it. Not even a talking parrot can save that shit. —Ed Donovan

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Know the fable about “The Boy Who Cried Wolf”? Of course you do! Everyone does! However, that didn’t stop writer/director Gary Graver (Texas Lightning) from having a woman tell it in full in Trick or Treats. It kind of makes sense later when two other characters ramble on about editors being the unsung heroes of cinema — this, too, should have been cut — and you learn that Graver also served as editor. His slasher film is utterly scatterbrained, but recommended for that very reason; it has no clue how bad it is.

Take Corey Feldman’s monster-kid protagonist from Friday the 13th: The Final Chapter, add 50 pounds and a My First Magic Kit, then plop him into the Halloween framework. That’s Trick or Treats, and that 10-year-old is Graver’s own son, Chris, as — here’s a stretch — Christopher. On Halloween night, the ham-headed, hair-helmeted boy is babysat by ditzy wannabe actress Linda (Jacqueline Giroux, Prison Girls). The kid — who has a working guillotine in his room — plays prank after prank on Linda, who hangs out in a silky nightgown pilfered from Christopher’s mother’s closet.

Meanwhile, Christopher’s “ex-millionaire industrialist” father (Peter Jason, They Live) chooses this very evening to escape from the mental hospital — in drag — after five years and pay his son an unannounced visit, murdering all the way. While depicted as spacious in exterior establishing shots, the institution from which Mr. O’Keefe flees looks like a one-room porn set on the inside. (Graver was a prolific director of X-rated flicks, so perhaps this place was left over from Center Spread Girls or Peaches and Cream?)

As committed as Jason is to playing crazed — stuffed bra and all — viewers will find themselves not giving a flip about that half of the movie. Trick or Treats‘ treats stem from Christopher’s oversold tricks and Linda’s overacted reactions. The kid is such an unlikable wiseass, you almost want to see Dad succeed in slicing him up. Christopher is … well, if Joe Don Baker were a fourth grader, if cans of Dinty Moore beef stew could be human … yeah, that’s this brat.

Relative star power can be found via cameos from Carrie Snodgress (The Attic) as Christopher’s mom; Paul Bartel (Eating Raoul) as a drunk hobo; Lifeforce‘s Steve Railsback, literally phoning it in (“Look, how many times are you going to see me play Othello?”); and David Carradine (Death Race 2000), who shows up just long enough to attempt molestation of Linda. The biggest name of all, however, is on the crew side, with one-time wunderkind Orson Welles credited as “Magical Advisor.” —Rod Lott

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A little-known piece of history: During the Cuban missile crisis, a Russian sub was downed by American torpedoes, causing it to spill its contents — more specifically, barrels of anthrax — deep into the ocean, thereby causing an octopus to mutate to gigantic proportions.

Flash-forward nearly four decades and an American sub carrying a Russian terrorist-cum-prisoner finds itself being slapped around by the eight-armed beast. Strangely, none of the passengers takes the news with much surprise. “From what I can tell,” says the hot oceanographer calmly, “we’re dealing with a giant sea creature.” And no one bats a freakin’ eye.

The octopus threat actually is secondary in Octopus, compared to a plot thread that has the Russian’s pals hijacking a cruise ship in order to rescue him, eventually culminating in an absurd finale where the octopus mounts the mighty liner and starts whipping the shit outta all aboard.

Directed by Shadowchaser trilogy shepherd John Eyres, this cheesy underwater monster movie is one in which the token minority dies and dead bodies have the habit of “popping out” while live bodies walk by it. The fake rock music seems lifted from that cable series where Emmanuelle was in space.

In an entire cast of no-names, Carolyn Lowery (Candyman) stands out as the oceanographer, mostly because the script gives her three opportunities to strip down to her underwear. She seems a little saucy and ditzy to be an oceanographer, but she does a good job, considering she’s in the movie Octopus. —Rod Lott

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