Asks the cover art of Tales from the Other Side, “DO YOU DARE WATCH THEM ALL?” While the horror anthology’s makers intend that tagline to be ominous, consider it a public service announcement and save your time.

On Halloween night, a few trick-or-treaters decide to approach the front door of “Scary Mary” (Roslyn Gentle, 1989’s The Punisher). Although rumored throughout the neighborhood to be a mean old witch, she kindly invites the kids inside for — guess what! — six stories, each helmed by a different director. Two-thirds are simply mediocre; the remainder, monotonous.

A traveling circus’ ringmaster enthralls crowds with the legend of his turd-like “petrified boy,” leading to too little a payoff after a long buildup. A would-be filmmaker takes an overnight job editing memorial videos for a funeral home; his gig ends predictably, yet with an excellent boogeyman. In the most creative segment, Krampus battles a Christmas elf in something I hesitate to call “animation” because the stop-motion elements cut too many corners, more resembling a stack of flipped-through drawings.

Sadly, Other Side’s most seasoned directors (Sushi Girl’s Kern Saxton and Mope’s Lucas Heyne) are saddled with a story that doesn’t even qualify as horror: In a psychiatric hospital, a patient (James Duval, Go) claims to be a prophet of God. While far and away the most well-made of all the Tales, it’s also pretentiously written.

In total, the collection’s only surprise is that it holds none. —Rod Lott

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So, hypothetically speaking, how many rock-song montages should a movie be allowed to have? Because in Scare Zone, I counted seven, each with its actors and/or extras gesturing wildly for the camera while the likes of Soulguard, Hydrosonic and Orange Avenue rip through all the hitz* on the soundtrack!

Shot largely at Universal Studios Florida, Scare Zone is set at a three-nights-only haunted-house attraction — the Scare Zone Psycho-Splatter Raw-Topsy Slaughter Dungeon, to be specific. Run by Oliver (Simon Needham, Larry the Cable Guy: Health Inspector), the rooms include a mad surgeon’s table, a vat of lye and poopy toilets, all of which are on the tour he gives to his new employees; from the sassy Black guy to the slutty blonde girl, all stereotypes are covered.

It doesn’t take long for writer/director Jon Binkowski (The Visitant) to thin his cast of unknowns, but those scenes have no sense of suspense — a common problem among low-rate slashers. Not so common: cartoon orchestration punctuating so many lines of dialogue and character movements. It’s almost as if Scare Zone is unsure whether it’s a horror movie or a comedy. Supporting that theory are visual throwaway gags, like the celebratory round of “Killer Lite” beer, and lame exchanges on the level of grade-school joke books, like:

“She told me about her family.”
“Yeah, who, the Addams Family?”

Scare Zone’s single grace is that in using the sets from Universal’s actual attraction at the time, it boasts production value for days (or 6.25% of one, if you dislike hyperbole). However, great sets aren’t enough to save a picture. Scare Zone remains, to borrow a phrase from Oliver, “juvenile tomfuckery.” I am looking forward to fall, though. —Rod Lott

*Misspelled on purpose, but appropriate for what sounds like Collective Soul, but watered down, then shrunk in the dryer.

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Last month, I took an overnight, eight-hour flight with mechanical issues, a significant delay in departure, spine-crunching seating to render sleep impossible, mayonnaise on the turkey sandwich “dinner,” Venom: Let There Be Carnage playing on the screen and a couple of passengers getting a little too mouthy about having to wear masks. All that’s to say today’s airlines make for a stressful, terrifying experience.

Sadly, Row 19 is neither. Unlike my seat, it’s by no means painful. For a supernatural spooker at 30,000 feet, the Russian film is at least more entertaining than America’s own, higher-profile Flight 7500. Its ultimate destination is what sinks it.

Twenty years after emerging as the lone survivor of a catastrophic plane crash, doctor and single mom Katerina (Svetlana Ivanova, Cosmoball) bravely takes off again. With her daughter (fellow Cosmoballer Marta Kessler) in tow and the same age as Katerina was at the time of tragedy, she boards a red eye with only about half a dozen passengers — I mean, unless you count the ghosts, spirits and other phantasmagorical stowaways eventually causing havoc.

What It All Means can be sussed out well before director Alexander Babaev (Bornless Ones, not to be confused with boneless ones at your neighborhood Buffalo Wild Wings) intends. Although Ivanova succeeds in selling the hell out of the concept and Babaev brings it in at a tidy 78 minutes (with credits), Row 19 lands as a rough and routine trip of terror. Barring a different language, the slick flick is nothing you haven’t seen before — especially if Flightplan is stamped in your cinematic passport. —Rod Lott

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Albeit via all-American trickery, British horror icon Christopher Lee bookends the ultra-cheap chiller Meat Cleaver Massacre by appearing as himself. Sitting in his home library with what looks like the robot owl from Clash of the Titans behind him, Lee spouts a four-minute snore of a monologue on the occult. One wonders how many of Meat Cleaver’s scant few moviegoers sat through all the final credits like today’s trained Marvel movie fans, only to be greeted with Lee continuing to drone on and on: “One day, at a shaman convention …”

In his first and last (comparatively) legit film, X-rated vet James Habif (Female Chauvinists’ “Sperm Donor with Mustache,” per the IMDb) plays Valley College professor Cantrell, who teaches his class about one Morak, a vengeance-obsessed demon he calls the “destroyer of destroyers,” presumably because once you hire him, you can’t fire him. This STFU lecture irks sullen nonbeliever Mason (Larry Justin, Female Chauvinists’ “Doctor at Sperm Bank”) enough to round up three pals, stick a panty on his head, break into Cantrell’s house, whack him on the noggin with a candlestick and thrill-kill his wife and daughter. Connections to Chuck Manson cannot be coincidental.

Only here’s the deal: Professor Cantrell survives! And although he’s paralyzed, cranially fractured and comatose, he summons Morak to get his revenge. Let the Meat Cleaver Massacre begin, right? Wrong. Nary a cleaver can be found (afforded?), so let’s just chalk up the pic as Death Wish meets Patrick, plus with a dog named Poopers.

With the advantage of adequate optical effects and “disgusting makeups” (per the credits), one-time director Evan Lee gives Mason and each of his co-conspirators a unique demise, like being slammed to death underneath the hood of a car. Meanwhile, police investigate all this “mystic mumbo jumbo.”

Rumor has it Lee is a nom de plume for none other than terrible-movie titan Ed Wood, but Meat Cleaver Massacre’s incompetence feels of unknown origin. Although still a Hydrox to other horror films’ Oreo, its grime carries a viscosity impossible for Wood at this stage of his gimcrack career. Then again, after learning they failed to off Cantrell, members of Team Mason have this irony-free exchange:

“He’s just lying in that bed. Like a carrot.”
“I never did like carrots.” —Rod Lott

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At feature length, Strange Aeons: The Thing on the Doorstep is based on H.P. Lovecraft‘s well-known — but not always well-liked — 1937 story “The Thing on the Doorstep.” I was looking forward to seeing this adaptation … but that’s because I had it confused with “The Outsider,” for some reason.

Once that misunderstanding was cleared up, it was obvious that director Eric Morgret’s film follows the original plot pretty closely, even retaining the occasionally odd character names — Asenath, anyone? — despite being set in the present day. Its hero is bearded, mild-mannered college professor Dan Upton (J.D. Lloyd), whose graduate assistant Edward Derby (Erick Robertson) falls under the spell of the mysterious and beautiful Asenath (Angela M. Grillo).

And no wonder: He has magical sex with her, during which she implants all sorts of weird-ass thoughts and tentacled visions directly into his brain. That kind of thing tends to set a girl apart from the rest of the pack, especially when she does so while naked.

Seriously, though, this relationship marks changes in Derby’s personality, thus driving a wedge in his friendship with the professor, thus creating a bizarre love triangle that can’t end well. At all. (And you know that even without the appearance of that infernal Necronomicon.)

While Doorstep has no shortage of freaky-deaky imagery, it also sports a few sound issues and performances that bend toward the amateur level. Its main problem, however, is even with the benefit of variances from Lovecraft’s source material, simply not enough ideas are present to sustain it for an hour and a half.

It might help if its characters seemed more real. For instance, when someone shambles into your house on a dark and stormy night, saying nothing, their head tucked down and hidden under a hat, hell, yes, something is wrong! Be. Fucking. Scared! —Rod Lott

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