Sixth in the Amityville Horror series, Amityville 1992 is, in my suspect estimation, worth watching at least once for four reasons:
1. Former Miss USA Shawn Weatherly gets naked;
2. Megan Ward strips to her underwear;
3. You have to admire a movie with the balls to use its release date and a pun in its title; and
4. It’s supremely silly.

Lipless architect Jacob Sterling (Stephen Macht, The Monster Squad) returns home from a work trip to Amityville with an antique clock he purchased there. I’m sorry, did I say “clock”? I meant an evil clock!

Once placed on the mantle, the evil clock screws itself put and immediately unlocks a time/dimension rift, causing the family members to do strange things. Jacob gets cinema’s nastiest dog bite and goes insane, while his goody-two-shoes daughter (Ward, TV’s Dark Skies) turns into a sex vixen overnight, yet turns her would-be fluid-swapping partner into a puddle of acidic goo.

The Macht vs. Doberman duel is something to see, especially when it ends with him stabbing the pooch with a broken glass bottle; PETA members will applaud later when Weatherly penetrates his leg with a fireplace poker. You’ve also got to enjoy the irony of the wacky neighbor lady narrowly missing getting creamed by a diaper truck, only to be impaled by the stork figure that then falls off it.

The proceedings are pretty bloody, which one expects from Hellbound: Hellraiser II director Tony Randel. However, thanks to a leaden script, you feel like the movie might be a victim of the clock’s time/dimension rift as well. But moments are moments, and the bare, sweaty, hanging bosom of Ms. Weatherly (Police Academy 3: Back in Training) certainly counts for something. —Rod Lott

Buy it at Amazon.

From 1987, Mad Ron’s Prevues from Hell was one of those dime-a-dozen trailer collections from the VHS heyday I never expected to hit DVD, but in 2010, it finally did, and evidently was successful enough to merit a sequel in Celluloid Bloodbath: More Prevues from Hell. Once again, it’s hosted in part by Happy Goldsplatt, a Cryptkeeper-esque puppet who notes that, in the grindhouse age, the trailers often were more entertaining than the flicks they promoted.

Celluloid Bloodbath offers 62 examples, broken up into themed groups that range from your obvious vampires, psychos and cannibals to more clever categories like carnival horrors, promotional gimmicks and killer animals. Italian maestro Dario Argento gets his own short showcase to close out the collection.

Among the madness are the “weird, winged wonders” and “hideous, horned horrors” of the Philippines-lensed The Twilight People, the pantyhosed thrill-killers of Meat Cleaver Massacre, and the misbegotten Monster a-Go Go “with a genuine, 10-foot-tall monster to give you the whim-whams.” Sales lines like that often prove the highlights; the circus-set Berserk! offers a yes-or-no quiz to potential viewers, i.e. “I get stabbing pains when I see a victim fall on naked bayonets!”

While not as deep-digging as Synapse’s 42nd Street Forever series, Celluloid Bloodbath does sport a couple of real obscurities in its lineup, including Alabama’s Ghost. Yet what infuriates is that, unlike the original, “interview” segments break the flow after every pair or so. Some are relevant, such as Linnea Quigley introducing her film debut in Psycho from Texas (“Now, bitch, let’s dance!”), but most have nothing to do with anything, are shot at some dreary convention, and feature non-names who have nothing of value to contribute. —Rod Lott

Buy it at Amazon.

A slasher film set at a high school, Graduation Day is remembered most for its appearance of Vanna White, merely a couple of years away from achieving immense fame turning letters on TV’s Wheel of Fortune. Directed by Herb Freed (Beyond Evil), Graduation Day is so utterly forgettable that although I’ve seen it probably three times in my life, I never can recall who the killer is. Then again, the experience is so passive, why pay it mind?

The movie begins with a montage of parallel bars and other athletic pursuits set to an inspirational disco track that concludes with a senior track star’s death at the finish line by a loosed blood clot. Her Navy-enlisted sister (Patch Mackenzie, It’s Alive III) comes home from being stationed in Guam to attend the funeral and graduation ceremony, and almost immediately, other members of the track and field team are murdered one by one by a killer wielding a fencing sword. He/she wears the requisite black gloves, but utilizing a stopwatch while stalking his/her victims has to be a slasher first.

Each unfortunate senior is marked off a group photo with lipstick, after being, say, stabbed through the throat in the locker room or pole-vaulting onto a bed of spikes, because that can happen. A second before one guy loses his head, his make-out partner says, “It must be nice to be a boy, piss anywhere you want to.” The body count is surprisingly low; the pacing, predictably slow.

At least Vanna plays a bitch who pees her pants in fright. Another famous face/figure in an early role is scream queen Linnea Quigley (The Return of the Living Dead), who sheds her shirt in an attempt to seduce her Marvin Hamlisch-esque music teacher into raising her grade, yet even that fails to raise a viewer’s pulse. Freed’s ineptness is reflected in day-for-night shots, strobe effects, and allowing both coach Christopher George (Pieces) and principal Michael Pataki (Dracula’s Dog) to emote through squints and grunts. —Rod Lott

Buy it at Amazon.

Keep your expectations low to the ground when slithering your way into Calamity of Snakes. This is, after all, a Hong Kong film whose opening credits include such crew positions as “lighiting” and “propesman.” However, Bruceploitation-vet director and co-writer Chi Chang makes up for any spelling errors with serpents, and lots of ’em.

Our hero is an architect who’s designed a 17-floor luxury apartment building, yet refuses to cut corners in interest of time, thereby vexing his greedy boss. At the construction site, a bed of snakes is unearthed, and rather than let professionals deal with it, the boss orders them killed, doing much damage himself with a bulldozer. Chang used real, live snakes throughout the movie, including their grisly, goopy murders here by shovels; soon after, we see a street vendor strip a live cobra to squeeze “juice” out of its bladder to concoct a refreshing beverage of sexual vitality.

Once the building is complete, the snakes — Survivors? Children? It’s never explained, nor needs to be — exact their revenge, first attacking a couple mid-coitus. After infiltrating the workers’ barracks, mongooses (again, real) are unleashed to clean house, in a long sequence that’s like Rudyard Kipling’s “Rikki-Tikki-Tavi” come to life. When a big ol’ boa constrictor is suspected, a snake expert is hired, resulting in an amazing fight sequence in an empty cardboard box factory between the old man and the huge boa, which can fling itself across the room.

By the time of the grand-opening shindig, Calamity of Snakes plays like an Irwin Allen disaster epic … if that Towering Inferno producer had the forethought to include slow-motion footage of a guy slinging a sword at all the herps being flung his way. They burst into the parking garage, drop in on a mahjong game, and slink into a child’s bed and a woman’s bath. Some of the slithering beasts growl when in attack mode; others come equipped with kung-fu stock sound effects; all contribute to one mad Mother Nature flick. —Rod Lott

Buy it at Amazon.

If you don’t count Puppet Master vs. Demonic Toys, which was made outside of Full Moon’s purview, Charles Band’s mad-marionette saga finally hits its 10th
chapter with the World War II-set Puppet Master X: Axis Rising. Whether anyone besides Band cared or was keeping track is beside the point. If you’ve seen any of them, you know exactly what you’re in for: a low-budget exercise that, like a bowel movement, can be slightly pleasurable if you let it.

In this installment, the drill-headed puppet Tunneler falls into the hands of monocled Nazi Commandant Moebius (Scott Anthony King). The current owner of the other killer puppets is bum-legged wannabe soldier Danny Coogan (played dopily by newcomer Kip Canyon, barely able to keep his mouth closed), who vows not only to get him back, but to “get those grimy Krauts.” But first, he and his girlfriend (Jean Louise O’Sullivan, Full Moon’s The Dead Want Women) must convince the U.S. Army that the Nazis and Japanese have infiltrated the streets of Los Angeles.

Meanwhile, in a secret Chinatown lab, Moebius keeps Austrian Dr. Freuhoffer (Oto Brezina of the utterly wretched Nude Nuns with Big Guns) working on a “resurrection device” that would bring the dead back to life … if it worked correctly. What the doc does do correctly is build four new puppets: Bombshell, Blitzkrieg, Weremacht and Kamikaze, the latter being a Japanese character with stereotypical buck teeth and diagonal lines for eyes.

The whole point of Axis Rising is to get those new puppets to fight the old puppets of Blade, Pinhead, Jester, Leech Woman and Six Shooter, and that belatedly happens after Band takes his typical route of slow-story padding. Due to budgetary reasons, the puppets are controlled by rods and wires instead of being rendered in stop-motion animation as some of them were at the series’ start. The most impressively sculpted character is one of the humans: the appropriately named Uschi (Stephanie Sanditz), a bra-busting Nazi. —Rod Lott

Buy it at Amazon.