1. Simply Irresistible — Buffy was awesome, huh? So awesome I paid actual money to see a terrible rom-com (by myself!) starring Sarah Michelle Gellar as a once-talentless chef who discovers her inner-Thomas Keller (Google him, non-foodies) via magical crustaceans.

2. Three to Tango — This might have been the one where the guy from Friends has to pretend he’s gay when hanging out with the girl from Party of Five, so the dude from The Practice doesn’t get jealous. Either that or it was the one the guy from Fools Rush In has to pretend he’s gay when hanging out with the girl from 54 so the dude from Texas Rangers doesn’t get jealous. I can’t remember which.

3. Eye of the Beholder — Ashley Judd plays a black-widow serial killer who offs men after fucking them. Insert male chauvinistic joke here (while I apologize for using the tired “insert _____ here” joke in place of an actual witticism).

4. Teaching Mrs. Tingle — Katie Holmes gets pissed at Helen Mirren for giving her a shitty grade. Twelve years later, she’s still pissed because Mirren’s an Oscar-winning GILF, while she’s just the chick who married Crazy McXenu.

5. The Muse — Albert Brooks plays a screenwriter who pays Sharon Stone to inspire him to greatness. I’m guessing the civil case is still in litigation. —Allan Mott

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