1. Hackers — The only memory I have of this movie is the sound of someone audibly gasping the first time they saw Angelina Jolie onscreen. Luckily, I was the only person in the theater at the time, sparing me any unwanted embarrassment.

2. Johnny Mnemonic — More like Johnny Made-My-Butt-Numbic, right? Zing! I still got it!

3. Virtuosity — If there were an award for Most Ironic Movie Title of 1995, this Denzel Washington pic would still be too shitty to win it.

4. Destiny Turns on the Radio — When I was 20, I once went to see a movie just because Quentin Tarantino acted in it. If I could back in time, I’d totally kick myself in the nuts. —Allan Mott

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Barbed Wire Dolls (1975) — Probably Franco’s best women-in-prison film, which features all the genre clichés: rampant lesbianism, the butch warden, the pivotal male prison doctor, the inmate who’s already cracked, etc., etc., ad nauseam. Franco is one of those directors who uses nudity as a wardrobe choice. No point in going into the plot; the clichés above pretty much tell the story.

Linda (1981) — This used to be widely available on tape in America (cut, of course) as Captive Women. It’s another captive-women flick made special only by the presence of stars Katja Bienert and Ursula Buchfellner — very beautiful, very naked. You know, I did some research on Katja Bienert. She was born in 1966. Linda was shot in 1980. You do the math. What the hell have I gotten myself into? Stop judging me!

Sadomania (1981) — This women-in-prison outing stars the notorious, exotic transsexual Ajita Wilson as the mean warden. It’s not one of Franco’s sexier (or explicit) outings, but there is plentiful nudity and an umpteenth simple-minded plot variation on The Most Dangerous Game.

Vampire Blues (1999) — Further proof that the madman is still at it, this is a really poorly acted (including Franco himself in a bit part), poorly conceived, shot-on-video, nudity-filled joke. It has horrible music by a horrible band, whose title song is played over and over again. It stars Rachel Sheppard as some girl haunted by vampiric imagery. And she’s the worst fucking actress I’ve seen in quite a while. It was worth every frickin’ dime I spent on it.

Voodoo Passion (1977) — A bright, beautiful and kinky tale, it’s set in Haiti which, I suppose, explains the voodoo part. It’s about a woman who visits her husband who lives in Haiti with his hot, frequently naked sister (the succulent, platinum-blond Karine Gambier). God knows what that’s all about. But it sets the stage for a colorful palette of sex and voodoo, just like the title promises. Also known as Porno Shock.

Rolls Royce Baby (1975) — I always thought that Female Vampire, aka Erotikill was the ultimate Lina Romay film. Almost every frame contained her and her willing nudeness. Boy, was I wrong! Rolls Royce Baby is pure Lina Romay. It’s pretty much all about her picking up hitchhikers for some backseat romping. She’s nonstop nude. What we’re left with is an image of her vagina so thorough and vivid, you could accurately draw it from memory. This is not, however, a Franco film; I cheated. It was directed by Franco’s former frequent producer, Erwin C. Dietrich, who gave Lina/Franco fans what Franco never quite could. Go figure! —Richard York

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