All posts by Louis Fowler

Wyrmwood: Road of the Dead (2014)

wyrmwoodThere are two things the Aussies do better than anyone else: deep-frying an entire onion and, perhaps a bit healthier, post-apocalyptic vehicular manslaughter. And while they might not come with a spicy dipping sauce, these futuristic glimpses at highway hellfire have changed an entire subgenre of film for almost four decades now.

For those still riding on the chrome-huffing high of Mad Max: Fury Road, here’s the turbo-charged living dead spin on the end of the world, Wyrmwood. Too bad that after a hi-octane, bang-up intro, the thing just sputters and fizzles out like the cheap lemon it is.

wyrmwood1What we got here is a trio of diverse pals, clad in sporting gear and desperately trying to survive the zombie apocalypse, as you do. The plague that has created the walking dead, however, has also managed to nonsensically render all fuel useless. Meanwhile, across town, a mad doctor is experimenting on the reanimated corpses, as well as the few random living survivors, including the sister of one of the aforementioned three amigos.

In a real unique turn of events, not only is said sister turned into a half-living, half-dead being, but one that has complete mental control over all the shambling decayers in her immediate area. And, if that weren’t a big enough twist, turns out that zombies can now be used for fuel, which provides some great comedic relief, but does little to move forward an already convoluted tale.

Wyrmwood: Road of the Dead is paved with good intentions, but, in the process of trying to be so original, director Kiah Roache-Turner forgot the most important element: a living, breathing plot to back all of this creativity up. Still, it’s got enough cool-looking set pieces and thoughtful action sequences that any viewer low on juice will be entertained enough to keep their foot off the breaks and finger off the fast-forward. —Louis Fowler

Get it at Amazon.

Titanic 2000 (1999)

titanic2000Take the best fart jokes Troma has to offer, the erotic sensibilities of any Surrender Cinema release and the CGI knowledge of a fifth-grader in Mrs. Delvecki’s keyboarding class and you have Titanic 2000, with emphasis on the first three letters.

The Titanic has been rebuilt and is about to set off for its second maiden voyage — only this time it’s called the “TIT-anic,” I guess because lots of breasts — or “tits,” as they are sometimes called — are seen a few times. On board are the typical gay stereotypes; the fat woman who eats a lot; the guys who farts a lot; a rock singer with a bad, overdone British accent; and a bunch of sluts who disrobe many, many times. The comparisons to James Cameron’s Oscar-winning Titanic end there, though, because also included is a vampire lesbian who needs to find a new bride. The new bride in question is the very hot Tina Krause, 100 times more attractive and a little more slutty than Kate Winslet.

titanic20001The characters run around a lot, fart, show their breasts, do pratfalls, eat and fart.

The TIT-anic sinks in the end, not due to an iceberg, but because the hull was made of tinfoil. Tina and the vampire swim through many badly done blue screens and escape. In the water, their breasts float. They then go to Long Island (?) and have more lesbian sex. —Louis Fowler

Buy it at Amazon.

Welcome Home Brother Charles (1975)

brothercharlesWTFI have seen a lot of crazy shit in my life, but nothing prepared me for the utter insanity of Penitentiary director Jamaa Fanaka’s debut feature. Welcome Home Brother Charles (also known as Soul Vengeance) opens with a bizarre R&B/industrial theme while the camera scrolls over an African penis statue. Cut to local drug dealer Charlie (Marlo Monte) getting busted by a cop who just caught his wife with a black man, so instead of just booking Charlie, the cop tries to castrate him.

Charlie is sent to prison for three years where he has a frightening nightmare (told through black-and-white stills). After he’s released, the film becomes a “make the ghetto a better place” film, where Charlie does good in the neighborhood, getting a girlfriend out of prostitution and talking to his young brother about the dangers of gangs. But then, Charlie goes psycho and starts killing the honkies who put him in prison … with his magic penis.

brothercharles1I don’t know how and I don’t know why, but all of a sudden, Charlie’s member has the power to make white women go into a hypnotic trance and do his bidding. Once he has his enemy cornered, he simply takes off his pants and his dick grows bigger and bigger until it wraps itself around the judge’s neck, strangling him.

So, in other words, Welcome Home Brother Charles is one of the greatest films of all time. —Louis Fowler

Buy it at Amazon.

The Erotic Witch Project (2000)

eroticwitchWhile The Blair Witch Project was by no means the horror masterwork as it was touted, it still had potential to be a good film. Obviously, director John Bacchus (Batbabe: The Dark Nightie) saw this potential, too, and decided to run with it, adding the essential elements needed in any great movie: gigantic, silicone-enhanced breasts and an on-the-loose ape.

Following the same basic plot of Blair Witch, The Erotic Witch Project follows three horse-faced hotties — Darian Caine, Katie Keane and Victoria Vega — as they venture to a remote wooded area to debunk the myth of the “Erotic Witch” for their sexuality class. They head off, even with news that an ape has escaped into the woods. The three bicker argue and lose their map. Pretty much the same so far, right?

eroticwitch1Soon, the girls start hearing the orgasmic howl of the witch, which causes them to perform many, many sexual acts, both solo and with each other — one even using a twig! These scenes are never really “hot,” mostly because of all the stretch marks and pimples on the actresses’ asses. Also, they seem really forced and fake. Unlike so many others, these girls just don’t seem to really enjoy being exploited in a film that is just above porno.

They wake up in the morning and find dildos and an inflatable woman strewn all about the campsite. Then, the ape finds their camera and watches them get it on. I think he masturbates, too, but it is implied and not shown. Not that I really wanted to see it anyway.

Blair’s nonexistent chills, production values and dialogue are mimicked perfectly, but this is the better movie, which is really not saying much. —Louis Fowler

Buy it at Amazon.

Blood Beast of Monster Mountain (1975)

In the 1970s, movies about paranormal and/or cryptozoological phenomena were all the rage, from Chariots of the Gods to The Legend of Boggy Creek. Boy, did they keep Leonard Nimoy and Peter Graves’ electricity running.

Not as prestigious is Blood Beast of Monster Mountain, produced by adult-film theater owner (and, if one believes the onscreen credits, world traveler, lecturer and psychic investigator) Donn Davison. Basically, Donny inserted hilarious pseudo-documentary footage about Bigfoot into the even more hilarious 1965 family film The Legend of Blood Mountain, which has next to nothing to do with Bigfoot.

After opening with a country song about Bigfoot, Donn tells us that for years he has told producers “no” to taking part in a Sasquatch picture, but changed his mind when the director promised to make “a lighthearted movie, while still adhering to the facts.” Enter the original film, which opens with a hunter tripping about and screaming, ending up with blood all over his face.

So far, so good, right? Well, you haven’t met the film’s “hero,” Bestoink Dooley (Moonrunners’ George Ellis), a newspaper copy boy who dresses like a vaudevillian Sam Kinison and looks like Buddy Hackett after a night of lovemaking with Otis, the drunk from The Andy Griffith Show. As he begs his editor for the Blood Mountain story, a guy who looks like Moe Bandy hits something in his truck, but this is never followed up, because it immediately cuts to Bestoink’s dream — a bizarre sequence about him being a good reporter and making his editor look like a doofus, as if a guy named Bestoink could do that.

After that, things get really confusing, as scenes constantly switch from day to night, women walk through in bikinis for no reason, and Bestoink get his hands on a flamethrower. Bestoink is the most appalling human being I’ve even seen in a movie (and that includes everything with James Spader); furthermore, Blood Beast of Monster Mountain is shot with a technical expertise that would even have Eegah director Arch Hall Sr. shake his head and say, “Geez, that was shitty.”

Overall, a most entertaining hour-and-a-half. —Louis Fowler