All posts by Allan Mott

How to Make a Monster (2001)

In 1994, writer/director George Huang turned his experience working as an executive assistant in Hollywood into the excellent dark comedy Swimming With Sharks, and it seemed like he was well on his way to bigger and better things. Unfortunately, his teen comedy follow-up, Trojan War, went straight to video, and it was all he could do to get a gig remaking a 1958 AIP flick for Showtime’s short-lived Creature Features film series.

Assigned with How to Make a Monster, he completely jettisoned the original’s plot, instead telling the tale of a group of video game programmers who end up being stalked by their own virtual monster.

Deliberately cartoony, the movie makes no attempt at all to depict the authentic realities of game production, which wouldn’t be a problem if Huang hadn’t decided to rip himself off and use the film to re-tell the same story he told in his first and much, much, much better picture. By the time Monster ends with a newly jaded Clea DuVall (in the Frank Whaley role) schooling a new intern in the cold, cruel realities of the world, it becomes agonizingly clear that by his third film, Huang had already shot his entire creative wad, leaving him with nothing else to say.

That said, the movie isn’t a complete waste of time, assuming you’re a fan of B-movie bombshell Julie Strain, who gifts the picture with a completely gratuitous nude scene (that you can probably find somewhere online). —Allan Mott

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Grease 2 (1982)

I’ve spent far too much time trying to come up with reasons why I enjoy Grease 2 so much more than its overrated originator. Sometimes I think it’s because I like Michelle Pfeiffer a lot more than Olivia Newton-John, but then I compare Adrian Zmed to John Travolta and that theory goes out the window.

Sometimes I think it’s because I prefer the music, but then I realize I can name so many more songs from the first film than I can from the second. Sometimes I think it’s because Maxwell Caulfield was so dreamy back then, but then I remember that I’m a totally macho heterosexual he-man who likes girls and boobs and stuff like that.

The film itself isn’t that much different than the first one, except in Grease 2, the innocent foreign exchange student is a dude (Caulfield) and the tough-but-sexy greaser is a chick (Pfeiffer). Like his cousin Sandy, Caulfield decides he has to slut it up to get the romantic attention he desires, so he buys a motorcycle and some tight leather clothes. Getting in his way is Zmed, Pfeiffer’s ex-boyfriend and current leader of the T-Birds.

Maybe it’s just because I’ve always been a fan of the underdog and resent how much Grease 2 has gotten picked on since it was first released. Sure, it kinda sucks, but it kinda sucks for all the same reasons Grease kinda sucks, and I’m pretty certain that Grease kinda sucks just that little bit more. —Allan Mott

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Alien from L.A. (1988)

It’s not hard to appreciate the impulse to turn supermodels into movie stars, despite the fact that it has never actually worked. Here you have someone who is already famous and who has already shown a tremendous ability to look fantastic in front of camera. What could possibly go wrong?

To answer that question, I give you Alien from L.A.

There is no doubt that Kathy Ireland had an arresting onscreen physical presence. The word “hot” in this case would be most à propos, especially if it was preceded by the words “goddamn” and “fucking.” But, just like many famous silent-era stars whose careers ended when talkies took over the medium, the power of Ireland’s charisma is tragically undone each and every time she opens her mouth and does us the tremendous discourtesy of allowing words to escape from it.

Cursed with the kind of voice that causes dogs to howl in misery whenever she speaks, her is further diminished by a script that requires her to essay the role of the whiniest protagonist in the history of narrative storytelling. At times, the dialogue suggests that this was a deliberate choice on the part of director/co-writer Albert Pyun. Forced to cast Ireland as his lead, he obviously decided to turn her greatest weakness into the film’s main running joke, but chose to do so in a way that only makes watching it more of a chore than it might have otherwise been.

The nominal plot concerns a California waitress (Ireland) going to Africa in order to find out more about her absentee (and presumed dead) father, only to fall down the same hole he did and become trapped in the underground city of Atlantis. To say that Alien lacks dramatic momentum is something of an understatement. The only memorable scene comes at the very end, where Ireland is finally shown in the kind of outfit that got her the role in the first place. It’s almost worth the previous 90 minutes, but in this day of Google, you can easily find similar pictures of her in similar outfits and never once fear that she might ruin it all by saying something. —Allan Mott

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The Last of Sheila (1973)

You just have to look at its credits to appreciate what a one-of-a-kind movie The Last of Sheila is. Co-written as a lark by legendary Broadway composer/lyricist Stephen Sondhiem and Psycho star Anthony Perkins, the script was directly inspired by the intricate parlor games they both enjoyed devising for their friends.

Beyond their famed intelligence and love of brainteasers, the two men also shared a gleeful fondness for bitchy gossip, which compelled them to cast their mystery with characters based on real-life Hollywood personalities, albeit just loosely enough to avoid lawsuits and inspire some fun guessing games (except in the case of Dyan Cannon’s character, who is so obviously Sue Mengers, you don’t even have to know who Sue Mengers is to figure it out).

In the movie, James Coburn plays a games-obsessed producer who has gathered a group of fellow industry folks (including Cannon, Richard Benjamin, James Mason, Raquel Welch, Joan Hackett and Ian McShane) for a weeklong trip on his private yacht. All of his guests have two things in common: They harbor a potentially embarrassing secret their host knows about, and they were all present at Coburn’s house the night his wife, the titular Sheila, died under mysterious circumstances.

To give away any more of the plot would spoil the fun, but it does say something about the confidence and chutzpah of Sondheim and Perkins that the solution to their cinematic puzzle can actually be found directly in the film’s title. As fun and entertaining as The Last of Sheila is, however, its uniqueness adds a touch of melancholy to its existence. Watching it, you can’t help but wonder what other wonderful games its two famous scribes might have allowed us to play had they decided to work together again. —Allan Mott

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The Return of Captain Invincible (1983)

Twenty minutes into the Down Under superhero satire, you find out that the filmmakers weren’t content to merely make a failed comedy, but a failed musical as well. It’s a startling revelation that unnerves you immediately … and it only gets worse from there.

It’s a shame, because The Return of Captain Invincible has a worthwhile premise and could’ve been an entertaining effort if it weren’t for the filmmakers’ stubborn insistence on fucking the whole thing up every chance they get.

Alan Arkin plays the title character, a once-great superhero reduced to an alcoholic mess after being forced to testify in front of McCarthy’s House of Un-American Activities Committee. Now a bum living in Australia, he’s called back into service by the President of the United States to find and stop the mastermind behind the theft of a powerful hypno-ray. Said mastermind turns out to be Invincible’s arch-nemesis, Mr. Midnight, who — as performed by Christopher Lee — has the film’s only semi-successful musical number (and even here I’m probably being a bit too generous).

Beyond a lazy script, lackluster direction and horrible songwriting, the movie’s biggest flaw is the casting of Kate Fitzpatrick as the female detective who lures Invincible out of retirement. Not only is she a terrible actress, but she also has all of the sex appeal of a Maude-era Bea Arthur, which would be fine if the filmmakers weren’t constantly ripping her shirt off, having her walk around without pants on and generally portraying her as being far more attractive than she actually is.

Because of the subject matter, you might be tempted to watch this as a double feature with Hancock. Fight that temptation — with all of your will and might. —Allan Mott

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