All posts by Rod Lott

Crocodile Island (2020)

Whilst flying over Asia’s version of the Bermuda Triangle, a commercial airliner is hit by pterodactyls, sending it crashing into the ocean. The scant few survivors wash up Lost on an island — Crocodile Island

It’s called that because, well, crocodiles. Big ones. 

Also, giant spiders, which make up the best stretch of an unremarkable movie from China. 

As a middle-aged Everyman, Gallen Lo dispassionately leads a generic group of characters, from his underage daughter and her boyfriend he doesn’t approve of, to such disposable types as Pregnant Woman and Nerdy Guy. 

That’d be less of a bother if Crocodile Island’s creature CGI didn’t look so unfinished, placing it under the already low bar of Syfy premieres. (Speaking of, Shixing Xu, co-helmer with Simon Zhao, since has remade the Syfy staple Sharktopus for his people’s republic.) What could have been a stupid-fun Jurassic lark is instead just stupid, plus thoroughly uninspired and dreadfully dull. 

Since China lifted its ban on having a second child, how about imposing one to keep Xu and Zhao from making a follow-up? —Rod Lott

Get it at Amazon.

Mania (1986)

A murdered prostitute. A rash of neighborhood break-ins. A ransom call from a child’s kidnapper. A thwarted robbery and assault in the subway. That’s a lot of crime for one movie — unless that movie is an anthology. 

Meet Mania, a gem of a suspense omnibus from the Great White North. Its opening-credits sequence suggests something special and very, very ‘80s. You get both from all four of its unhosted, unconnected stories. 

With the majority directed by Prom Night’s Paul Lynch, each segment concludes with a twist. If the near four decades since have rendered those conclusions guessable, you still must acknowledge and admire the cleverness in their construction. They’re not gimmicky in the M. Night Shyamalan way where you’re so focused on parsing them out rather than enjoying the journey to get there. 

Mania might be accurately called Canada’s version of Alfred Hitchcock Presents; it’s certainly more narratively successful than NBC’s short-lived revival of that time. Most of all, the Maniaical pieces remind me of the ingenious shorts HBO used to play in its infancy as between-movies filler seemingly beamed in from nowhere.  —Rod Lott

The Twelve Slays of Christmas (2022)

Like you, I’m always up for a good — or even a bad — holiday horror show, no matter the time of year. At 40 minutes total, though, The Twelve Slays of Christmas amounts to an extended commercial for Full Moon merch. And if there’s anything Charles Band loves more than tiny toys, it’s shilling them.

On their way to a winter carnival, three young women (Full Moon vets Cody Renee Cameron, Lauren Nicole Smith and Dare Taylor) experience car trouble in a snowstorm and seek refuge at the nearby Full Moon Manor, home to Ignatius (Tom Fitzpatrick, Insidious: Chapter 3), an old man who looks like Chris Elliott in Scary Movie 2. To pass the time, he reads to them from a Yuletide Tales of Terror book.

Presumably, the tome numbers a dozen chapters, each allowing this repurposed anthology to cut to clips of death from the Full Moon catalog. For example, from Gingerdead Man 2: Passion of the Crust, the titular cookie fucks a puppet, then chainsaws a puppeteer. From Subspecies, you get the hot-dog fingers of vampire Radu. From Evil Bong and Baby Oopsie to many Puppet Master sequels, the entries have zip to do with Dec. 25, unless your family traditions entail burning babies, puked leeches and sex with Nazi commanders.

Nothing against clip shows, but Ignatius’ “stories” are more montage than anything. It came upon a midnight clear that Twelve Slays is a lazy, shameless bid to move memorabilia outta Band’s storage unit. —Rod Lott

Get it at Amazon.

Killer’s Delight (1978)

Like David Fincher’s Zodiac, Jeremy Hoenack‘s Killer’s Delight draws from case files and follows San Francisco police detectives in search of a real-life serial killer. Here, the maniac in question — based shoelace-loosely on Ted Bundy — clearly has a type: beautiful teenage girls hitchhiking home from bowling alleys and public pools. After use and abuse, he dumps their nude bodies like trash; a freeze frame of one victim in free fall serves as the title card’s backdrop.

As lead investigator Sgt. De Carlo, James Luisi (1980’s Fade to Black) makes for a reasonable John Saxon substitute, especially with the easy rapport he shares with his partner on the force (Martin Speer, Exo Man). Once they suss out the ID of the murderer (John Karlen, Daughters of Darkness), the guys set a trap involving a radiant psychiatric doctor (Susan Sullivan, Cave In!) specializing in the criminal mind. Said trap requires her to go undercover as a nightclub singer, which works, by gum — both for the characters and for us, the viewers.

The lone directorial credit for Emmy-winning sound editor Hoenack, Killer’s Delight looks, sounds and acts like a made-for-TV movie, full-frontal nudity excepted. As the story unfolds, however, you’ll find yourself surrendering to its mighty grip. It’s top-shelf El Lay pulp — comfort-food viewing for the armchair detective.

Also released as The Sport Killer and The Dark Ride, it’s a film ahead of its time. If made today, it’d be a Netflix miniseries stretched across eight or 10 episodes; I’m thankful it exists as is, shock ending included. Imperfect though it may be, I wouldn’t change a moment. —Rod Lott

Get it at Amazon.

Squealer (2023)

Squealer positions itself as based on real-life crimes without stating whose. If they’re not Robert Pickton’s, then actor Ronnie Gene Blevins can chalk his visual similarity up to pure coincidence and be proud of the paycheck. Then again, how many greasy pig farmers have moonlighted as serial killers? 

Maybe don’t answer that. 

As “Squealer” in Squealer, Blevins (2018’s Death Wish remake) plays a pig farmer and butcher who kills prostitutes. Oink, boink. He makes literal meat of the slain hookers, which causes the odd nipple ring to make its way into the ground round. 

The police investigate. One of the cops is Tyrese Gibson, needing to eat between Fast X installments. The main man on the case, however, is Jack (Wes Chatham, 2014’s The Town That Dreaded Sundown remake). Because his estranged wife (Danielle Burgio, House of the Dead 2) happens to be a social worker whose heart looks out for the ladies of the night, whether Jack succeeds is a matter of when, not if.

Burgio also co-produced and co-wrote the film with director Andy Armstrong (Moonshine Highway), a fellow stuntperson. Originality may not be among the pages, but they wrote her a great showcase. She shines in the part.

Meanwhile, Kate Moennig (2012’s Gone) and Theo Rossi (Emily the Criminal) steal the movie out from everyone, Batman villain-style, as Squealer’s “business associates.” She’s a tweaker; he’s a purple-suited, crossbow-wielding drug dealer. Together or individually, they bring levity every time they show up, in a movie that plays things bone-dry.

If it sounds like Squealer gets squeezed out of Squealer, that’s because he does — a victim of his own supposed story. Part procedural, part slasher, part domestic drama and part social justice advocate, the unfocused film doesn’t amount to much, outside a few amusing turns. —Rod Lott

Get it at Amazon.