All posts by Rod Lott

The Amazing Dobermans (1976)

Until recently, the Doberman movies of the 1970s represented that rarest of film franchises: a series I didn’t even know existed. Indies all directed by one Byron Chudnow, they walk a weird line between comedies and crime films, all featuring Doberman Pinschers trained to commit and/or thwart felonies. Ostensibly family pictures, they’re kind of weird; therefore, I love them.

Following The Doberman Gang and The Daring Dobermans — in which the dogs robbed a bank and pulled off a high-rise heist, respectively — the five canines return in The Amazing Dobermans as guard dogs to freelancing security expert Daniel (Fred Astaire), an ex-con turned Jesus freak who lives in an RV. Daniel does no dancing, but plenty of Scripture-quoting and, via a chunky remote control with buttons marked “jump” and “go,” dog manipulation.

Crossing their paths is Lucky (James Franciscus), who owes $13,000 in gambling debts to a mob boss, but is really a Justice Department agent undercover. To that end, Lucky befriends a circus midget named Samson (Billy Barty), gets a job shoveling elephant poo, and falls for Justice (Barbara Eden), who rides Wonder Horse under the big top in a bejeweled bikini that highlights her great ass.

From there, a third-act caper takes place that involves the Dobermans, dynamite, an armored car and a goon who looks Gene Shalit. Like the two films preceding it, Amazing is harmless fun. What else would you expect from a movie where one of the bad guys is played by somebody named Roger Pancake? —Rod Lott

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P2 (2007)

Haven’t seen P1? Me neither, but it’s not required to get right into P2, a somewhat-around-average thriller, written and produced — yet oddly not directed — by Splat Pack member Alexandre Aja (High Tension, The Hills Have Eyes, Mirrors, Piranha 3D).

Rachel Nichols (G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra) unconvincingly plays a ballsy businesswoman whose Christmas Eve plans get ruined when she’s held hostage in her office building’s multilevel parking lot by obsessed attendant Tom (Wes Bentley, American Beauty). When her car won’t start, he “helps” her, starting with knocking her out with a good-ol’-fashioned rag o’ ether.

When Angela comes to, she’s been changed into a white party dress from which her ample breasts struggle to escape, and I’d be lying if I said this decision didn’t hold my attention for the remainder of an otherwise routine film. You’ve seen it before: Weird Guy menaces Hot Girl, Weird Guy kills innocents who wander in, then Hot Girl and Her Talented Boobs finally decide to fight back. What took you so long, Ang? Waiting for that nail to break?

What you might not have seen is how gruesomely the psychotic Tom dispatches one of those innocents. Just watch for the car-vs.-office-chair scene and prepare to wince. Bentley’s career may be like this film’s setting — in the basement — and should be for his Elvis impression, but Nichols’ is on the rise. And no wonder: She’s hot. P2? More like 34C. Zing! —Rod Lott

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Labyrinth of Death (1988)

Part of Ground Zero Entertainment’s gray-market Black Belt Theatre budget-DVD line, Labyrinth of Death (aka Chess Boxing Matrix) is one of those logic-free, crazy Asian — or “crAsian,” as I now like to call them — movies where you understand so little (even with subtitles) that you can barely remember anything scene to scene.

Here’s what I remember:
• A hopping vampire kid.
DragonBall-style special effects.
• Guys with painted faces.
• Jack and Mark Long presumably doing “chess boxing.”
• The hopping vampire kid peeing in one of the Long brothers’ mouths.
• The hopping vampire kid farting in the face of the other one.
• Some freaky, runty dragon monster.
• Absolutely no labyrinth, of death or of otherwise.
• Being thankful when it was over. —Rod Lott

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Mirrors 2 (2010)

Honestly, I’m cool with direct-to-video horror sequels. What they lack in big-name stars, they make up for in gore. See Wrong Turn 3, 30 Days of Night: Dark Days and, now, Mirrors 2.

Looking like Dexter‘s little brother, Nick Stahl plays Max, still grieving over the car-crash death of his fiancé. His dad (William Katt) hires him to be the night watchman of his soon-to-open upscale department store. He’ll be replacing the one whose mirror image happily chewed broken glass, causing his own face and mouth to be cut up.

And so it goes that upper management get killed as they watch their mirror images do gruesome things, such as slicing their own tendons. The best death scene comes when Christy Romano (formerly Disney’s squeaky-clean Kim Possible) meets a really bloody death in the shower after soaping up her new, ugly fake boobs.

While the first half plays like Final Destination in the creative deaths department, the second finds Max and second-half love interest Emmanuelle Vaugiér attempting to solve the riddle behind these gruesome shenanigans. Maybe it makes more sense if you’ve seen the first Mirrors; I haven’t. As director, DTV vet Victor García (Return to House on Haunted Hill) brings visual class to these proceedings, yielding a satisfying fright flick, even if it’s completely void of frights (Katt’s middle-age ponytail notwithstanding). —Rod Lott

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