Having Botched a French diamond heist through no fault of his own, professional thief Ritchie (Blade’s Stephen Dorff) is given one more chance by his crime boss to square his debt. That chance is stealing a priceless artifact that once belonged to Russian czar Ivan IV, located in the penthouse suite of a high-rise building in Moscow.

That act goes off fine until the hotheaded thug Peter (Jamie Foreman, Layer Cake), one of Ritchie’s Tweedledum/Tweedledee Russian sibling accomplices, needlessly shoots a maid. Worse, the crowded elevator they attempt to make their escape in gets stuck on the 13th floor, unfinished and seemingly abandoned.

That number is not coincidental when one takes in the challenges that await the felons and their hostages. While I leave it to you to discover just what they’re up against, it spoils little to say that the floor is equipped with booby traps that quickly turn a lighthearted crime thriller into a lighthearted gore comedy.

If you can stomach the sight of blood, especially in the name of laughs, Botched offers gruesome and gruesomely funny rewards that verge on outright slapstick. One on hand, you have a urinating rat; on the other hand, you have … well, a chopped-off hand. Everyone — but especially Dorff, who’s a better actor than he gets credit for — plays these modestly budgeted proceedings with an arrow-straight face, which is what makes them work as well as they do. —Rod Lott

Buy it at Amazon.

Congratulations, 21st century: With Thunderstruck, you now have your very own Kazaam!

By that, I mean a family-oriented fantasy comedy featuring a current NBA superstar imbued with supernatural powers, playing second fiddle to an annoying kid, and saddled with a lazy script. (I’d expect nothing less from John Whitesell, director of such laff vacuums as Big Mommas: Like Father, Like Son, Deck the Halls, Malibu’s Most Wanted and See Spot Run.)

Oklahoma City Thunder’s Kevin Durant plays himself, while Nickelodeon kidcom vet Taylor Gray essays the role of Brian, a 16-year-old high school student who loves shooting hoops, but has the aim of a postcoital penis. Through a crushingly stupid idea that the screenwriters make no attempt to unexplain, the Durantula’s mad b-ball skillz are switched with Brian’s lack of when the two simultaneously touch a basketball during their meet-cute off the court.

Therefore, Brian becomes a cocky and popular athlete, while his well-paid hero suffers “a slump.” Oh, if only the curse could be reversed! It can, of course, but how that comes to pass is an insult to viewers’ intelligence, making one long for the relative concrete logic of 18 Again! and Vice Versa.

Potentially more insulting is not that it perpetuates the myth that African-American youth are interested in World of Warcraft, but that Whitesell allows Durant to shill his Nike shoes with a commercial in the middle … and again at the end. Lord knows how talk-show host Conan O’Brien was corralled into a credibility-shattering cameo, but the casting of Jim Belushi is no mystery. He plays Brian’s coach, who screams to his team — or perhaps craft services? — “Put some jelly in that doughnut!”

Yes, Durant is perfectly affable, because he’s not really acting. And yes, Thunderstruck is wholesome and inoffensive, but if that’s all you ask of a family film, you’re settling, because they can be smart and funny, too. This one’s woefully wretched — the cinematic equivalent of an air ball. —Rod Lott

Spun off from the ever-popular humor website of fake news, The Onion Movie isn’t as bad as its five-year sit on the shelf would suggest. It’s just that with a couple of producers behind Airplane! and The Naked Gun series involved, you’d expect something funnier. Although unceremoniously dumped to DVD, it has its moments — enough to warrant a watch.

Using the Onion News Network as a loose wraparound, the sketch-filled satire has old-guard anchor Norm Archer (Len Cariou, 1408) deliver quick headlines and introduce on-the-scene reports. Some are so stupid in concept, you wonder how they survived the first draft, like neck belts in cars. Others are so dead-on, you wonder if they might not be seen as humor by half the viewing audience, such as a child’s accidental fatal shooting of himself being dubbed as an exercise of the Second Amendment, “hailed by gun-rights activists as a victory for America and the Constitution.”

Popping in here and there are a few repeat characters, most notably Melissa Cherry (sexy Sarah McElligott), a Britney Spears-esque pop tart who denies any sexual content in her songs, even when the videos for them feature such acts as her being taken doggy-style by a giant blue teddy bear. Steven Seagal plays himself in a faux trailer for the actioner Cockpuncher — his catchphrase: “I don’t think you have the balls” — and other cameos include Michael Bolton, Rodney Dangerfield and Meredith Baxter Birney, the latter cooking cats.

As with granddaddy Kentucky Fried Movie, the scattershot Onion Movie zooms through bits so fast, at least you can’t get bored: a terrorist training video, an ad for a celebrity roast, a film-review TV show that critiques The Onion Movie in progress, a commercial for a gay cruise, a show called Little-Known Racial Stereotypes (“Did you know blacks love taffy?”) and a group of friends who tire of playing a murder-mystery game, so they instead host a role-playing rape. Hey, I never said they were in good taste.

Something truly tasteless would open with … oh, say, a nun drinking from a jar labeled “APE CUM.” That’s saved until the end. —Rod Lott

Buy it at Amazon.