All posts by Rod Lott

Sci-Fi & Fantasy

Assassin (1986)

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Imagine if The Terminator were a made-for-TV movie. And instead of Arnold Schwarzenegger as a killer robot with an authority problem, what if they cast a guy who looks not unlike Gopher from The Love Boat? Voilà! You have Assassin, written and directed by cathode vet Sandor Stern (Pin).

As the telefilm opens, government-created android Robert Golem (get it?) goes nutzoid and kills two fellow agents before going on the run, in search of more government agents to kill. In order to stop him, the team has to recruit two ex-agents now in the public sector. One is star Robert Conrad, bringing to Assassin all the verve and intensity of his Duracell commercials. The other is Karen Austin (Markie Post’s Night Court predecessor), because with Conrad in the lead, they needed someone to balance that out and lend the action film some testosterone.

Austin explains to Conrad that she helped create the cyborg (Robert Young, Friday the 13th: A New Beginning), who has two built-in weaknesses: His brain is in his stomach and he has to recharge his power supply every 72 hours by plugging into an air-conditioning unit for 30 minutes, which he does by removing a cord implanted in his ankle. He also has a detachable tummy for working on his insides and is prone to jumping out of high-rise windows to escape capture.

Assassin has no forward drive, nor anything resembling pure action. It’s mediocre in every way, right down to the costumer’s decision to clothe Conrad in butt-hugging khakis. It’s not intended for laughs, but generated a fair share for me. —Rod Lott

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Trailer provided by Video Detective

Martial Arts

The Clones of Bruce Lee (1977)

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Right after dropping dead at some whore’s house, the body of film legend Bruce Lee is taken by ambulance to the hospital, where an enterprising professor creates three duplicates from him using a machine that looks as complex as Milton Bradley’s handheld game Simon, wired to a spaghetti colander.

Although they look nothing like Lee, the prof christens them Bruce Lee 1, Bruce Lee 2 and Bruce Lee 3. (Eventually, one will go by the name of Chuck to avoid confusion.) They’re played by Dragon Lee, Bruce Le and Bruce Lai. Ladies and gentlemen, we give you … The Clones of Bruce Lee!

After training with Bolo Yeung and working out to the swiped strains of “Gonna Fly Now,” the trio is set out on secret missions. First, they bring down an “unscrupulous” gold-smuggling film producer. Then they are sent to Bangkok (Oriental city), where they must eliminate a doctor who has created a serum to turn humans into metal bronzemen, but only after ogling all the totally naked Thai whores. When the professor hears about the doc’s undoing, it angers him, so he attempts to pit the three clones against one another, in order to find the best fighter so that he can rule the world.

Despite all the kicking and full-frontal nudity, Clones is mind-numbingly repetitive and tough to follow. Although the concept might lead you to believe otherwise, this is not Bruceploitation at its most enjoyable or its most outrageous. —Rod Lott

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Horror

The Girl in Room 2A (1974)

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Women’s prison was a cinch compared to the boardinghouse for Margaret, aka The Girl in Room 2A. And not because of the blood spot under the carpet or the god-awful wallpaper. It’s the guy in the red-pantyhose mask and matching cape who steals the babes who live there and takes them to a torture dungeon, where they are whipped, electrocuted, prodded and poked.

Margaret (Daniela Giordano, Mario Bava’s Four Times That Night) was busted at a party where grass and pills were being consumed; while she didn’t partake, guilt by association landed her behind bars for a short time. Upon release, one of the guards steers her toward a place to stay, ran by the kindly Mrs. Grant (Giovanna Galletti, Kill Baby, Kill). On her first night, a nerve-addled Margaret “hallucinates” the pantyhose man coming into her room.

The brother (John Scanlon, Escape from Alcatraz) of 2A’s previous occupant investigates his sister’s out-of-character death: “Cut the jazz! What’s she talking about?” Could it be Frank (Angelo Infanti, The Godfather), Mrs. Grant’s nerdy son whose workshop is filled with mannequin heads and miniature guillotines? Or perhaps that strange cult that holds meetings on the ground floor, hmmmmm?

The final film directed by sex-pic auteur William Rose, The Girl in Room 2A doesn’t quite reach the Hostel-ility posed by its prologue. Whenever the L’eggs-clad villain shows up, the Italian thriller fills with a little life for scenes of death. Whenever it doesn’t, the movie feels like a series of red herrings biding time until the inevitable conclusion. —Rod Lott

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Comedy

Hercules in New York (1969)

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Pick the worst Hercules movie among the 19 the Italians made from 1957 to 1965. Hell, you can even include the Ursus, Samson, Goliath and Maciste adventures if you like. Whatever your choice, it’s better than 1969’s tiresome Hercules in New York, starring a 22-year-old Arnold Schwarzenegger, second-billed as Arnold Strong in his film debut. It’s a wonder he was asked back for another.

Not an adventure, but a family comedy with the production values of a porn, the unfunny film cast Arnie as the half-mortal Hercules, who seeks permission to leave Mount Olympus, but his dad, Zeus (soap actor Ernest Graves), won’t let him, yet throws a thunderbolt at him anyway, thus sending Herc to New York City, where he’s befriended by a waterfront pretzel salesman, Pretzi (comedian Arnold Stang, neither comic nor relief), and romanced by a professor’s daughter (Deborah Loomis, 1976’s Blood Bath).

In the Big Apple, Hercules tips over a taxi, wows collegians with his discus skills, does that bodybuilder thing where he flexes his boobies individually, throws a guy into a river, participates in a televised barbell contest, wrestles a guy in a bear suit 600-pound escaped grizzly bear and, finally, drives a chariot down through Central Park. Isn’t that just a fucking riot?

What little fun the flick offers is witnessing Schwarzenegger face his greatest foe: dialogue. He can’t properly pronounce Zeus or Athens, let alone his own character’s name, and rarely does a shot include him saying more than one line at a time. Still, some of those are unintentional gems as he:
• sees a forklift: “Fine chariot! But where are ze horses?”
• is told he better watch his mouth: “I can hear my talk, I cannot vatch it.”
• marvels at an automat: “This fine food for only a few small coins?”
• is asked whether his mother dropped him on his head as a baby: “Once I strangled two serpents in the cradle.” —Rod Lott

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Action

China Strike Force (2000)

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In this English-language actioner from Hong Kong, two cops (one of whom is Aaron Kwok of Storm Riders, although they look so much like twins, I could hardly tell them apart) are out to quash a mob ring that, for the first time, is channeling drugs into mainland China.

Heading the operation is cocksure Mark Dacascos (Brotherhood of the Wolf), eager to work out the details of a $14 million coke transaction with his visiting supplier, played by rap star Coolio, who must’ve had it worked into his contract to have his character be named Coolio as well. Three times he says, “Man, I could get used to this shit!” Assisting them is a mysterious cutie not afraid to strip naked when she’s accused of wearing a wire.

For all its flaws — not much of a story, Coolio — China Strike Force delivers in the action department. From the opening training sequence, the film moves to a foot chase on a busy highway with the pursued and pursuer eventually jumping from moving vehicle to moving vehicle. There’s also a great, high-octane car chase between a Lamborghini and a race car, plus several rounds of martial-arts showdowns. But the biggest and best stunt is saved for last, with the characters battling on a constantly tilting plate-glass window suspended high above the city.

Not surprisingly, old pro Stanley Tong — director of several Jackie Chan films, including Rumble in the Bronx and Supercop — is behind the camera and guides his affable leads to direct-to-video greatness. Be sure and stick around for the Chan-tastic ouch-takes at the end credits. —Rod Lott

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