All posts by Rod Lott

Anna Nicole Smith Exposed: Her Fantasies Revealed (1998)

ANSexposedFollowing her Playboy heyday, billionaire wedding and many, many Drake’s Cakes, Anna Nicole Smith showed us just how far starlets can fall and how pathetic they can really be (yet still be alive), in a softcore quasi-documentary that’s one of the least sexy things the year 1998 had to offer, along with the Nairobi Embassy bombing and the last ski trip of Sonny Bono. If there’s anyone who could make sex a turn-off at the time, it was Smith, in what could be called the Schafer’s Honey-Glazed Ham era of her career.

Interspersed with demonstrations of Anna’s uninspired fantasies are semi-interviews with Anna herself, in which she says things so stupid, you wonder why she had to read them off cue cards. (Example: “My favorite place to masturbate? Definitely the tub. I get the shivers just thinking about it.”) Serving as a framing device, Anna poses for a calendar that never hit the market.

ANSexposed1Clearly, Anna Nicole Smith Exposed: Her Fantasies Revealed does not feature the early-’90s Anna that made her a household name; here, her face is all puffy and her once-celebrated breasts look bruised from excessive beatings. (“With a body like this, who wouldn’t want to masturbate?” she asks, and I assume rhetorically. “What a great way to start the day.”)

Nevertheless, several guys were (paid to be) eager to join her for some simulated sex, including Darren, a houseboy who gets his RDA of calcium from a morning romp with his bloated employer (“Darren, wonderful Darren. I pay him a lot to do nothing but please me. … Oh, and he also has a pretty good butt.”) Also falling prey to her scripted wiles is Jason, a shirtless pastry chef who moves like an animatronic robot on the fritz. (“I see Jason pounding out some dough on that hard, cold marble counter with his bare hands. … I just get sooo excited.”)

Coming to an end, Exposed presents some of Anna’s nude scenes from her starring roles in the action films To the Limit and Skyscraper. In theory, this would save you from having to rent them, but they’re even funnier than this misbegotten project. —Rod Lott

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Possessed by the Night (1994)

possessednightSaddled with writer’s block, novelist Howard Hansen (Ted Prior, Sledgehammer) makes his way into a Chinese curio shop, where he plunks down big bucks on a jar containing a one-eyed brain monster floating in icky water. Naturally, this wise purchase helps him to concentrate so he can finish knocking out his latest book.

It also makes him want to have sex with his secretary, Carol, played by 1981 Playboy Playmate of the Year Shannon Tweed. (Hey, jar monster or no monster, especially after watching her exercise scene in a half-shirt.) One might conclude that Howard is … how you say? … Possessed by the Night.

possessednight1Every time the jar bubbles, somebody gets horny or murderous — sometimes both. During one particularly heated round of intercourse, Howard and Carol start slapping the crap out of each other. The boom mike makes its way into the frame once.

Who knows what mystical powers lie within this creature in the jar? The end hints at an evil Chinese curse, as if director Fred Olen Ray (Hollywood Chainsaw Hookers) knew all you wanted out of his film wasn’t story resolution, but tits. Touché, Fred, touché.

Also starring in this watchable weirdo thriller are Sandahl Bergman, Chad McQueen and Henry Silva, because, well, “directed by Fred Olen Ray.” —Rod Lott

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Dr. Heimlich’s Home First-Aid Video (1987)

drheimlichWith his bald head and flaring nostrils, the world-renowned Dr. Henry J. Heimlich looks like Sid Caesar on a bender and sounds like Christopher Walken, eerie phrasing and all. Thus, it’s tough to take him as competent, especially when in the first scene, he straddles a woman lying on the floor, pushes on her chest and calls it “an act of love.”

I don’t care if he did create the life-saving Heimlich Maneuver; in Dr. Heimlich’s Home First-Aid Video, he is simultaneously scary and dubious. If a person’s choking, there’s Henry, talking about pressure on the diaphragm, and coming up from behind to wrap his slimy tentacles around some innocent young woman.

drheimlich1The other people in this made-for-VHS instructional video are even stranger. In the section on wood splinters, some wimp dumps his load of logs as if he’d just had a massive coronary. On animal bites, some simpleton prods the face of a German shepherd with a twig. A toddler is shown gnawing away on an electric cord.

The tape gets grislier as it goes on, with shots of severely blistered arms, as well as a prodigious flow of blood from a little girl’s knee; the latter proves quite touching, as her mother consoles her: “See the blood, dear? See how it flows?” Taking the proverbial cake, however, is the oaf who somehow manages to drop an open container of drain cleaner onto his face. Aaaiiieeeee!

Henry ends his First-Aid Video by telling the viewer not to pick his or her nose. —Rod Lott

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Fervid Filmmaking: 66 Cult Pictures of Vision, Verve and No Self-Restraint

fervidfilmmakingTo answer your first question: Fervid Filmmaking refers to those movies which author Mike Watt believes to contain everything but the kitchen sink, as if their creators threw in every element imaginable, just in case they never got another chance to direct again.

In other words, cinema with “total chaos and total control.” As this paperback’s subtitle promises, he’s chosen exactly 66 of them to spotlight.

To answer your second question: No, he’s not that Mike Watt.

Although I’d be curious to see what cult pics the punk legend recommends, this Mike Watt has written for Film Threat, Fangoria, Femme Fatales and some publications that don’t begin with the letter F. Here, he covers movies I thought only I loved (O.C. and Stiggs), movies I thought only I had seen (Meet the Hollowheads), movies I thought only I had heard of (Sex Machine). That doesn’t mean every film featured is beloved by him (for example, the hippie sketch comedy Dynamite Chicken); it need only fit the criteria. Unsurprisingly, he pretty much loves the majority anyway.

sexmachineDirectors represented include such Hollywood heavyweights as Robert Altman, Steven Soderbergh and George A. Romero, but not for the movies you readily associate with them. On the other side of the spectrum are outré names that include Doris Wishman, William Castle and Lloyd Kaufman (who provides the book’s amusing introduction). And then way, way off said spectrum are names you’ve likely never run across, mostly guys who toil in pixels vs. film.

But what makes Fervid Filmmaking as throughly enjoyable as it is — only one reason, actually — is that Watt puts them all on a level playing field. Otto Preminger equals Alejandro Jodorowsky equals Alvin Ecarma. Whether their product played to millions of eyeballs in a worldwide theatrical release or has screened to maybe just Watt and his friends via bootleg VHS, no one is placed on an automatic pedestal because of a larger budget. In his view, they’re all filmmakers who took some really ballsy, often unpopular chances, so everyone deserves a salute.

ForbiddenZoneAnd each essay, arranged alphabetically and sporadically illustrated, is well thought-out, vastly entertaining and even educational. With this book, Watt reveals himself as a legitimate, excellent film critic; this is serious stuff, even if the stuff he discusses deals with a cavewoman clubbing Hitler (Forbidden Zone), a hatred of grapes (Psychos in Love) or David Carradine in drag (Sonny Boy).

In-depth without overstaying their welcome, the pieces are all tight, too. The only exception would be Repo! The Genetic Opera, which introduces a cast it then re-introduces a couple pages later. (Outright errors are precious few, too, with the most glaring calling Susan Tyrell an Oscar winner; she didn’t get past the nomination.)

My only other complaint is that Watt’s work is heavy on footnotes. This is fine when he’s imparting supplementary information, but needless when he’s sharing a cast member or creative’s credit, partly because they’re often shared within the main body. For the obsessive like me, they derail the flow of reading, and even more so when the numbers don’t match up, which occurs on several occasions.

No worries, kids; it’s all good. Twenty-five years ago, Fervid Filmmaking would have enjoyed a wide release by one of the major publishing companies, and you would have read a chapter or two at your mall’s Waldenbooks or B. Dalton before realizing this was one that would be worth buying and keeping. In today’s wired world, it has a home with McFarland & Company — a fine publisher, but harder for people to find and priced higher. My hope is that, like the movies Watt shines a light on, the right people will find it, and realize its worth. —Rod Lott

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13 Observations About the 4 Movies in the All Night Movies DVD Collection

allnightmovies1. Bikini Med School and Bikini House Calls look like they’re cobbled together from some really awful Skinemax series.

2. In both, various sexual couplings occur in a frat-house room among a stock group of med students.

3. Downstairs, horse-faced strippers who don’t strip dance to excruciating butt-rock tunes.

4. Occasionally, the movies cut to old stock footage of medical whatnot, sometimes in the middle of a line, for no discernible reason.

5. They also share the same group of unappealing characters.

6. In 1994’s Bikini Med School, two guys bet each other $100 that they can trick a girl into sex.

7. This being a film with “bikini” in the title, they succeed.

8. Writer/director (to use those terms lightly) Michael Paul Girard loved this plot so much that he repeated it in the second half.

9. 1996’s Bikini House Calls is more of the same, except with a fantasy sequence, more panty-sniffing, a fake orgasm contest and a prank pulled with itching powder.

10. Girard is also to blame for 1993’s Illegal Affairs (aka Divorce Law) and A Brief Affair.

11. Those films offer the same sophomoric episodic romps where the comedy is as simulated as the sex, but set in a law firm so that, as one friend put it, the characters can “go to court and fuck on desks.”

12. B-movie regulars Jay Richardson and Monique Parent star, perhaps regrettably, in both.

13. I like to refer to the guy on the right of the DVD cover as Vo-Tech Mullet Party Dude. —Rod Lott

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