All posts by Rod Lott

Night of the Living Dead 3D: Re-Animation (2012)

NOTLD3DReAnimationWhich is the worst part of the complicated rights issue with the original 1968 Night of the Living Dead? Is it:
A. that director George A. Romero and company were screwed out of millions, or
B. that it allowed Jeff Broadstreet to make Night of the Living Dead 3D: Re-Animation?

With apologies to those good people’s bank accounts, the answer is B. Trust me on this one. You’d agree if you saw this abomination, but I encourage you to run in the other direction. The answer is totally B.

Even if writer/director/producer Broadstreet — who also helmed the 2006 Night of the Living Dead 3D “remake” — had left the classic film’s title off his own, the results still would remain abortive. Ladies and gentlemen, we have the 21st-century Ed Wood. The difference is that nobody will be watching Broadstreet’s work after he passes. Hell, they shouldn’t be watching it while he’s alive, either.

NOTLD3DReAnimation1It took me four tries to start NOTLD3D:R-A before I could muster the strength to watch it all the way through. Andrew Divoff (Wishmaster) fronts the film as Gerald Tovar Jr., a second-generation mortician who doesn’t cremate the corpses he’s paid to; instead, he piles them into one dank dungeon of a room, which characters can enter and somehow not vomit from the stench. Guess what happens to the bodies. (Did you say “zombies”?)

I suppose NOTLD3D:R-A holds a curiosity factor among those wishing to see Divoff act alongside Re-Animator‘s Jeffrey Combs, who plays Gerald’s no-good, conspiracy-prone teabagger brother. To horror-con geeks, this sounds akin to Pacino and De Niro’s diner scene in Heat. It’s not; it’s the gum under the table at that diner. And I like both actors.

This chore of a watch is all about CGI blood and green-screen antics and, because of shooting in three dimensions, intrusive angles. The 3-D doesn’t even work, so why bother? On the disc’s production featurette, Broadstreet tells you why: Because he thinks he’s making a sociopolitical statement. He’s delusional; he’s made the A/V equivalent of a bowel movement. I hate to be so harsh, but this time, it’s merited. —Rod Lott

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C.B. Hustlers (1976)

CBHustlersOdds are, the amateurish, plotless sex comedy known as C.B. Hustlers likely was dated the very day it was released. The title refers to a “rolling cathouse” of a pimp and his three shapely truck-stop whores, ready to service weary rig drivers at the drop of $25.

Using the CB handle “Hotbox” — presumably, “Moist Vagina” was taken — they communicate and negotiate over the airwaves to elude the Boss Hogg-ian police until a newspaperman (he’s the one with the card reading “PRESS” in the brim of his hat if you get confused) starts getting suspicious over all the talk he hears about “tunnel action,” “laying track” and “juicy watermelons.”

CBHustlers1There’s not a laugh to be had in this mix of Hal Needham and Hee Haw, but its 85 minutes breeze by like those damned 18-wheelers on the freeway. A couple of reels were even out of order on the print I saw, but I didn’t mind at all, especially when I saw that Uschi Digard’s big sex scene was filmed from the perspective of the lucky guy beneath her.

Like this review, the movie — directed by Drive-In Massacre‘s Stu Segall — just sort of decides to end. —Rod Lott

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Enemy Gold (1993)

enemygoldWith Enemy Gold, Andy Sidaris handed the directorial reins over to his longtime stunt coordinator, son Christian Drew Sidaris, who remains true to his father’s cinematic vision. Andy served as executive producer of this lensed-in-Dallas epic, which begins with a Civil War flashback before settling in to its plot of a team of secret agents — two tanned muscle-men and the oft-showering and improbably nippled Suzi Simpson as Becky Midnight — stumbling upon buried treasure.

Also wanting the booty (as in gold, that is – not Simpson) is Santiago (Rodrigo Obregon), a slimy, Spanish strip-club owner. To aid him, he enlists the help of the Amazonian, large-booted Jewel Panther (Julie Strain), as adept at fireside ninja demonstrations as she is at shooting park rangers with flare guns. Alleged Beltway plaything Tai Collins appears as the agents’ boss, although you wouldn’t know it from the first half of the film, in which she either lounges around in the sauna or in bed. It is hard to determine which of the three female leads is the worst actress, but Simpson wins by a nip.

enemygold1Flowing readily from co-writer Christian’s pen are exchanges such as one in which male lead Chris Cannon (Bruce Penhall) discusses the agents’ newest weapon of defense: crossbow arrows with tips that “explode three seconds following penetration.” Becky replies, “Like old boyfriends.” Rimshot! The best line, however, comes after a naked lady in a shower asks Santiago, “What’s up?” and he says, “I am.” (Get it? He means he totally has a boner.)

Although mindless, Enemy Gold is chock full of those magical Sidaris touches that makes the film well worthwhile; if it’s not the arrow-cam, it’s the scene where one of the baddies gets killed by a tree. —Rod Lott

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To Kill with Intrigue (1977)

tokillintriguePart kick-’em-up revenge tale and part sappy love story (guess which part I didn’t care for?), Fists of Fury director Lo Wei’s To Kill with Intrigue begins with Cao Lei (a long-haired Jackie Chan) ruining his father’s 60th birthday celebration by breaking the news that the evil Killer Bee Gang is on its way to kill them all, presumably with intrigue. Bummer.

Things get weird when a phalange-challenged magic ghost shows up first, bemoaning, “Return my hand! Return my hand!” before jumping from here to there in split-second timing, through the high-tech filmmaking miracle technique known as “frame removal.” Then things get bloody when the aforementioned Bees buzz in and kill everyone, with intrigue, except for Cao Lei.

tokillintrigue1Prior to the attack, Cao Lei feigns disinterest in his pregnant girlfriend so she’ll skip town and, thus, be safe. But she runs into the arms of a not-so-nice guy who, it is revealed with no surprise, is a rival clan leader. So Cao Lei must save her, but first he is nearly killed (with intrigue) and then brought back to his vital self by his enemy, a scar-faced woman who then scars him, making his face look like he has an expired Steak-umm glued to one side.

Only then does Cao Lei fight the bad guy. Initially, his blows land to no avail, but soon he finds the man’s weak point and kills him. With intrigue? You betcha. —Rod Lott

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The Loved Ones (2009)

lovedonesAnd you thought Carrie had a bad prom night? In The Loved Ones, a razor-sharp slice of Ozploitation, troubled high schooler Brent (Xavier Samuel, Bait 3D) has an arguably worse one, and this six months following an auto accident that claimed the life of his father. Brent has blamed himself ever since, becoming a cutter as a result.

Cue Little River Band’s “Lonesome Loser” (which the Aussie film actually does) and enter Lola Stone (Robin McLeavy, Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter), a homely classmate who asks Brent to prom. He politely declines, because he already has a date with his girlfriend, Holly (Victoria Thaine, Son of the Mask).

lovedones1Lola doesn’t accept rejection well — like, at all. With the help of her father (John Brumpton, Romper Stomper), Brent is kidnapped, drugged and tortured for his “crime” of rejection, all during a makeshift, private prom in her kitchen. But, hey, at least he’s crowned king!

The Loved Ones marks a truly twisted feature debut for writer/director Sean Byrne, and his baby exhibits a mean streak of humor as black as its soul. I find this to be a good thing. More films should challenge their audience, should take turns unexpected, should cross a point of no return; Byrne does all. He also gets a deliciously delirious performance from McLeavy, whose social outcast may be screwed in the head, but somehow retains a smidge of viewer sympathy, even considering her threats to nail poor Brent’s penis to the chair. —Rod Lott

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