Turns out, things aren’t always bigger in Texas. This homemade Amityville Horror coattailer chronicles the experience of newlyweds moving into an absolute bargain of a starter home in the Lone Star State. Because the devil, y’all.
Immediately, Count Floyd-level “spooky” frights occur. The crucifix on the wall does a 180. The coffee carat overflows with chocolate pudding. A kitchen chair hits the wife in the butt. The phone rings, yet no one’s on the line. You yawn.
Because Satan War is shot on 16mm — and mostly in the dark at that — things can be difficult for the eye to discern. In that way, it achieves an accidental artiness similar to the shaggy, lo-fi vibe of Skinamarink, but with 100% more macramé.
The highlight of Bart La Rue’s film finds the wife (one-timer Sally Schermerhorn) getting felt up while she’s scrubbing dishes. That’s the only element of the 64-minute movie that pushes the envelope — or rather, drags said envelope along the surface of the armoire by a string.
Two longer versions of Satan War exist, at 77 and 92 minutes. The prospect of viewing either is more shiver-inducing than anything onscreen. —Rod Lott
As punishment for a graffiti-related arrest, community college slacker Raphael is sent to live with his drug-dealing cousin. And an overzealous cop demands Raphael provide intel on his cuz, believed to be stashing and selling plutonium warheads.
Meanwhile, around Fresno, Texas, the FBI investigates a string of disembodied hands turning up. That these federal agents — and everyone else in Rats! — mispronounce the mitts as “haunds” with no explanation should clue you in to the movie’s peculiar wavelength.
And if it doesn’t, sit tight for a toilet POV shot you won’t soon forget. That’ll do it.
The debut feature for co-directors/co-writers Carl Fry and Maxwell Nalevansky, Rats! immediately distinguishes itself as a sharp celebration of bad taste. A slightly less transgressive TheGreasy Strangler by way of Greener Grass, it’s very, very funny and really, really not for everyone. Its Barbie-bright colors belie the darkness of its gags, many of which hit the blunt force surreality of a PTSD episode.
For his first movie, newcomer Luke Wilcox lucks into the lead role of Raphael, but he’s essentially the straight man in an unknown cast of curves and zigzags. The most askew among them is the aforementioned cop, played with go-for-broke gusto by Danielle Evon Ploeger (2022’s Country Gold). Darius Autry (The Asylum’s Jungle Run) greatly amuses as the cousin, while Jacob Wysocki (Unfriended) is responsible for at least a dozen laughs in the first five minutes alone as an ineffective shoplifter.
But speaking of theft, this show gets stolen by burlesque artist Ariel Ash and Brian Villalobos (Scare Package) as, respectively, a sex bomb and henpecked husband who cosplay as a TV news team, hoping to nab on-the-scene exclusives regarding the suburban absurdity unfolding around them. And brother, does Rats! ever scurry up more than plenty. —Rod Lott
Opens in theaters Friday, Feb. 28, and on digital Tuesday, March 11.
Meet Pepe Lusara, criminal mastermind and master of disguise. He’s recruiting a few good men for an assignment on a need-to-know basis.
Despite a resemblance to Squiggy, Pepe (Aram Katcher, Beneath the Valley of the Ultra-Vixens) is also a ladies’ man, wooing the blonde Elizabeth (Lisa McDonald), despite her Phyllis Diller voice. Certainly Pepe isn’t interested in Elizabeth for her proximity to cash working in an arena box office, is he? Yes, actually, that’s completely it, not even taking into account her choice of nightstand reading: The Modern Sex Manual.
Now it’s time for you to know Pepe’s plan: Rob the armored car when it rolls up to the arena to collect the kitty from the world heavyweight fight. Hope you don’t expect to see the heist or the fight; Right Hand of the Devil hasn’t the budget or permits or perhaps even the know-how to depict action. (But it does have a few precious seconds of basketball-breasted burlesque dancer doing her thang. That’s Georgia Holden, whose curvy caboose commands the poster.)
The only film Katcher ever wrote, directed, produced or edited — not to mention handled hair and makeup for — Right Hand is so clumsily made, it doesn’t know what the left hand is doing. Even at an hour and some change, the black-and-white non-wonder is virtually incomprehensible. And completely unmemorable, except for the scene where Pepe’s old girlfriend hurls her artificial leg his way: “Remember you always said my legs were pretty? Here!” —Rod Lott
What kills so many monster movies today is cheap CGI. The further down a film sits from that line item on a Steven Spielberg production, the less convincing the creature. In the low-budget world, the effects can be so bad, you wonder why anyone bothered, from the makers to the viewers.
The Invisible Raptor gets around this by, well, making its titular dinosaur unseen. For a good chunk of the pic, the prehistoric beast is represented by a Mylar helium balloon tugged by its string. Because Mike Hermosa’s movie is an out-and-out comedy, that trick works — like the proverbial charm, actually.
Escaping from the lab that created it, the indiscernible apex predator embarks a killing spree. Only downtrodden paleontologist Dr. Grant Walker (Bachelor Party Massacre’s Mike Capes) recognizes the carnage as the works of a raptor. He also recognizes a chance at redemption from his humiliating daily job: teaching kids about fossilized feces at a dino theme park. And, in the process, if he can win back the heart of his former girlfriend (Caitlin McHugh Stamos, Random Tropical Paradise), newly divorced, that’s a bonus.
I was fully prepared to abhor this based on title alone. Yet I wasn’t at all prepared for something so more-than-intermittently clever, it’s kind of ingenious. (Had Capes and co-writer Johnny Wickham stuck to one “butthole” joke, I doubt “kind of” would remain part of the previous sentence.)
Although not a true spoof, The Invisible Raptor is engineered as a gentle Jurassic Park parody steeped in reverence for other Spielberg milestones (Jaws, E.T., Gremlins) and popcorn actioners of the 1980s (Rambo, Predator, The Terminator, et al.). Thus, it’s no accident they recruited Goonies leader Sean Astin for an extended cameo and top billing.
You’ll quickly forget he’s in it because Raptor roars to life on the combined comedic strength of Capes, Stamos and David Shackleford (Vacancy 2: The First Cut) as the park’s redneck security guard. Oh, and some really dark, really funny gags at the expense of kids’ feelings and dead people. —Rod Lott
Caveat emptor time, kids. The sports documentary Pay Dirt: The Story of Supercross should be subtitled Some Stories of Supercross in No Particular Order. After priming the pump with an adrenaline-edited prologue of defied gravity and severed spinal cords, Paul Taublieb’s feature goes into scattered mode, leaping from subject to subject like a dog who’s just had a dozen squeak toys thrown its way.
Want to know how the dirtbike arena competition started? Well, first, we watch a profile of Jimmy Button, a champion who bounced back from paralysis — inspiring, but wholly out of place; given its emotional weight, it arguably would work best at the other end. The whole movie is like that. With each title card rebooting the narrative starting line, the experience is like watching the full contents of a YouTube channel’s playlist.
In quick succession, Pay Dirt’s segments (really documentary shorts) surface-level examine a rivalry among two riders, the amateur kids’ competition at the Loretta Lynn Dude Ranch, another rivalry among two other riders, the dirt on the track, the sport’s version of stage parents, riders without factory sponsors and, buttering its own bread on both sides, Monster Energy’s current sponsorship of Supercross.
As an occasional casual viewer of the X Games and any Olympic event that irks old people, I’m open to this sort of thing. But an ESPN 30 for 30, this is not.
And not for lack of opportunity, as Pay Dirt absolutely chokes when it comes to the single most interesting story: Supercross creator Mike Goodwin being convicted for murdering former business partner Mickey Thompson and the man’s wife. From a prison phone, Goodwin recalls that he “was flabbergasted” and hoped he wouldn’t be blamed. What he doesn’t provide is a reason to believe him. In fact, Taublieb is so unconcerned with the crime, he gives it a minute.
I mean that literally: oneminute. To a double homicide. Committed by the guy who started the sport you’re telling the “story” of. Adding insult to fatal injury, the narrator even botches the dead woman’s name as “Judy” instead of “Trudy.”
That narrator? Just one Josh Brolin, whose participation in a project far beneath his Oscar-nominated talents suggests either a big favor or a bet make-good. —Rod Lott
