According to Curtis Bush, star of Psycho Kickboxer: The Dark Angel, his dream project almost didn’t happen because a conman skipped town with a chunk of investors’ money. Nevertheless, he persisted.
Dude, that was the universe trying to tell you something — most likely something to the effect of, “Curtis, my boy, open a 401(k) instead.”
A five-time world kickboxing champion, Bush plays Alex Hunter, an amateur kickboxer in the Mid-Atlantic U.S. with a colorful Cosby vest and a serious girlfriend named Julia (a woman wisely going uncredited). One thing he doesn’t have is a knack for romance:
Alex: “Um, I wanna ask if you’ll marry me.”
Julia: “Yes, I will.”
Alex: “You would.”
Cue the sax.
Bliss is short-lived. After a celebratory meal at Hot Tuna Bar and Grill with his police-chief father (George James, I’m Gonna Git You Sucka), the three are kidnapped by muscleheads working for crime syndicate boss Hawthorne. This Hawthorne fellow is supposed to be über-intimidating, but as played by Tom Story (1990’s Metamorphosis), he seems threatening only to the shrink wrap of a Barbra Streisand CD.
Anyway, Hawthorne’s goons brutally murder Dad and Julia, but Alex survives. He’s nursed back to health by Joshua (Rodney Suiter, Blind Vision), a Black vet in a wheelchair who growls chicken-soup lines like, “Control the animal! Or it will destroy you” while chewing a stogie.
Alex becomes a vigilante whom the press dubs “The Dark Angel” due to his decision to dress in all-black, ski mask included. Most of his crimefighting exploits are shot in broad daylight so we can see them. Who knew Hampton Roads, Virginia, was such a hotbed of felonies? And a majority committed by guys with mullets and mustaches?
Bush may be (and is) the real deal in kickboxing circles, but it’s tough to take his skirmishes seriously — on the street or in the ring — because the filmmakers dubbed every punch and kick with a soundboard limited to three or four buttons. It’s like listening to a video game at the arcade. The effect for broken bones is, I swear, a cluck of the tongue.
This picture’s so dire, it ends with a freeze-frame of Joshua and Alex mid-high-five. I would have recommended instead a replay of the Troma-esque gore scene of a guy getting flattened by the wheels of a car he tried to steal from a woman in a grocery parking lot. I also would have recommended to actress Kim Reynolds, as a sassy reporter sniffing out the Dark Angel story, not to go full-frontal for a movie so inconsequential. —Rod Lott