At the height of Jackie Chan’s U.S. box-office bonanza, he was set to star in an update of Snow White and the Seven Dwarves, but with the little people swapped for shaolin monks. Two decades later, the project has yet to start — a shame, if not for the existence of Thrilling Bloody Sword. From Taiwan and Kung-Fu Commandos director Chang Hsin-Yi, the wild wuxia film already had beaten Chan to the fairy-tale punch.
On the cusp of giving birth, a queen’s womb is hit by a comet. With one yelp of pain, a slimy, pulsating oblong of meat pops out. Exercising a pro-life-until-birth policy, her highness’ royal subjects send the abomination down the river in a basket; within seconds, it’s found by the seven dwarves of Happy Forest. What to do with this mysterious “flesh ball”? Eat it raw and serve with a salad, obviously. Upon stabbing it, the dwarves are alarmed to find an infant girl inside. They name her Yaur-Gi, instead of Brunch.
Years later, when Yaur-Gi is grown-up (and played by Fong Fong-Fong), it’s mutual love at first sight for her and Prince Yur-Juhn (Lau Seung-Him). Unfortunately, timing is bad, because the kingdom is beset by monster invasions of the crazy kind, starting with a rampaging cyclops tearing up the multistoried rice and wine restaurant appearing in every martial arts period piece. Who can slay such monsters? Without so much as a résumé, “woman exorcist” Gi-Err (Elsa Yeung Wai-San) is hired to protect the palace, but her assistance is all a hoax to dethrone and usurp. That’s why she turns the prince into a bear, albeit one with a smashed face that resembles Bell’s palsy.
To cure her love, Yaur-Gi and the dwarves seal Prince Yur-Juhn in a wooden hot tub filled with herbs. (Every couple of minutes, a new rule like that comes spouted from the movie’s Tinkerbell equivalent.) After returning to his rightful flesh, the prince acquires a magic cloth and “thunder sword” to help him defeat not only Gi-Err herself, but all types of creatures. Thrilling Bloody Sword has no shortage in that department. If it’s not a nine-headed dragon, it’s a giant chattering teeth (just like the wind-up toy, if fanged) or quacking frog things (clearly people with rubber swim flippers on all fours). The thunder sword also works well for stabbing thy enemy in the anus and then lifting him up above one’s head.
By the time of the movie’s all-out monster mash, Yaur-Gi becomes next to incidental in the story department, ceding the spotlight to the prince. The dwarves fare no better, not that it matters much, as they’re barely treated as individuals. One is dressed like Baby Huey, while another is outfitted like Robin Hood, right down to the curlicue mustache. Still another sports a mohawk that leads into a scorpion-style tail and wears a necklace of bagels. If the Three Stooges hadn’t already made their own Snow White parody, Thrilling Bloody Sword’s dwarves could step into their slapsticky shoes.
From one fantastical scene to the next, using presumably every color in the visible spectrum, Thrilling Bloody Sword has a lot going on. If it looks like Hsin-Yi has stolen costumes from Dino De Laurentiis’ garage sale, it’s quite possible, given he’s pilfered unlicensed needle drops of The O’Jays’ “For the Love of Money,” TV’s Battlestar Galactica theme and Dave Grusin’s sappy Electric Horseman score. If little makes sense, that’s probably because there’s no room for it, what with all the flambéed demons, rotating heads, independent appendages, rooster puppetry and the awkwardly translated subtitle of “Let me imitate the voice of cock!” —Rod Lott