If Dr. Giggles and Dr. Pimple Popper merged practices, Cyst would be their collab. Short on budget and tall in imagination, this goopy, goofy horror comedy is a two-location wonder like the kind Charles Band’s Full Moon Entertainment used to make, minus the visual flatness.
In 1961, three patent examiners return a final time to the medical office of Dr. Guy (George Hardy, the dad from Troll 2) after a disastrous first demo of a machine he calls “The Get Gone.” For America’s acne-afflicted, blister-bodied, polyp-peppered and sore-saddled, Guy’s invention could be a godsend, as it promises “painless” skin removal. It lies.
Dr. Guy basically pisses on his own hospitality and Nurse Patty won’t allow it! Tired of his misogynist ways, the incessant bullying and torrents of milky discharge on her face — from patients’ squeezed zits (why, what were you thinking?) — the long-suffering Patty (a strong and stunning Eva Habermann, TV’s Lexx) is working her last day when she becomes the hero of this sebaceous story, seemingly torn from the time-yellowed pages of EC Comics’ Weird Science.
That shift happens after The Get Gone goes wrong and a cyst it slices off the back of the doc’s meek assistant (Darren Ewing, Troll 2’s tree boy) suddenly sprouts spidery legs and a thirst for human blood. From there, Cyst is a mess — on purpose, of course — with fluids shooting and spilling and oozing and killing as Patty takes charge to help her fellow trapped characters try to stay alive while the little malevolent, malignant mass grows to full rubber-monster stage. Not all succeed.
In his third feature as director or writer, the Texas Cotton-pickin’ Tyler Russell gooses Cyst along with a sure hand and a tongue so in-cheek, it gets mail there. The reverential injection of B-level camp is not only on purpose, but obviously encouraged behind the scenes, being produced in part by Greg Sestero (The Room’s Mark and ergo, author of The Disaster Artist). I somehow missed Sestero’s name in the opening credits, because I didn’t recognize him as one of the patent examiners.
There’s zero mistaking Hardy, however. Destined for eternal Troll 2 infamy even after he leaves this mortal coil, the real-life dentist turned accidental actor certainly has limitations in range. While the aw-shucksness that’s made him a horror-convention fan favorite isn’t present in this villainous role, Hardy’s dopey nature and above-amateurish delivery are — and they actually work for the unhinged mad-scientist persona. With Nic Cage-mannerisms aiming to leap over over-the-top, Dr. Guy is as anything-goes intent on securing that patent as a former game-show host to a second stint as POTUS.
But will lowbrow art imitate life, even in a nice, compact 69 minutes? To find out, give Cyst a good poke. —Rod Lott