If Herschell Gordon Lewis had tackled a mystery, I believe it would resemble Massage Parlor Murders! (exclamation point theirs), a Big Apple-born slice of sexploitation by first- and last-time directors Chester Fox and Alex Stevens. Credited as assistant director is character actor George Dzundza (Basic Instinct), who briefly appears as a suspect in the case, a portly john dubbed by a trick as “Mr. Creepy.” Which among these three men is most responsible for the static camera and odd cutaways is anyone’s guess.
Budweiser and Schlitz men, respectively, detectives Rizotti (George Spencer, If You Don’t Stop It … You’ll Go Blind!!!) and O’Mara (John Moser) investigate the string of homicides of several masseuses/prostitutes around town by a pair of shaky hands in rubber gloves. One girl is smashed face-first into a mirror; another, smothered with a towel before being doused in acid. It’s the work of a Jack the Ripper of jack-off joints, or, as Rizotti puts it in one of the many scenes of voice-over, “Man, there’s sure a lotta sick weirdos in this town!”
That particular line is spoken during a montage of glorious, dangerous Times Square at night, where the 42nd Street marquees hawk such psychotronic fare as 5 Fingers of Death, The Young Seducers, Seven Golden Men, Blood of Dracula’s Castle and Black Belt Jones. Yes, if nothing else, Massage Parlor Murders! is quite a curio — both the film itself and everything in it.
Luckily, “if nothing else” does not apply. The flick has plenty to offer, being packed with nudity as gratuitous as the wallpaper is gaudy; a naked pool party/orgy, complete with balloons and streamers; rambling “comedian” Brother Theodore as an astrologer; and a car chase that completely outdoes The French Connection … provided we’re only talking about the number of fist-shakin’ fishmongers and mismatched sound effects, and we totally are.
I should note that Massage Parlor Murders! is not porn, although it sure feels like it should be. There’s just that much ineptitude riding behind the camera and uncredited script, which inversely makes the movie that much more interesting and watchable. Rizotti and O’Mara don’t so much as solve the mystery as Fox and Stevens realize they have about three minutes left ’til the closing credits, resulting in an absolute howler of an ending that’s really Quite Something to See. —Rod Lott