A public service announcement: “Alucard” is “Dracula” spelled backward, which you likely already knew, and not because the opening credits of Dracula (the Dirty Old Man) tell you. But that they do is indicative of how low the bar of wit is set.
Played by this-and-only-this actor Vince Kelley, Alucard awakes (hardly elderly, but whatever) and, under the auspices of re-opening a mine, lures a businessman named Mike (Billy Whitton, Mission: Africa) to his cave and turns him into a werewolf right out of a K. Gordon Murray-presented Mexi-matinee. Now christened anew as Irving Jackalman, Mike runs errands for his vampire boss — or errand, singular: Abduct young women and bring them to Alcuard’s lair to be tied up, stripped down and bitten on the boob. At 69 (!) minutes, the sexploitation quickie basically depicts this scenario half a dozen times — lather, rinse, repeat — with none of the ladies having breasts large enough for the count’s liking.
Somehow, I have managed to avoid mentioning the movie’s craziest aspect until now. It is not that Dirty Old Man is almost entirely dubbed, but that Alucard is, for no detectable reason, now a painfully unfunny Catskills comedian (redundant, I know) in the nerve-grating vein of Jackie Mason. Even if your ears have been professionally vacuumed by an ENT seconds before showtime, you’ll still wonder if perhaps there is something you missed.
There is not. Unless you fail to notice the C-section scar on a brunette victim Jackalman dry-humps because you are too distracted watching the poor woman struggling to contain her laughter at the absurdity of it all — and that’s before his postcoital Green Stamps joke! I would not be surprised if the dialogue were crafted Johnny-on-the-spot in the recording studio, because ultimately, what is said is irrelevant compared to what is shown. This is the stuff of a men’s pulp magazine come to life, and writer/director William Edwards delivers on that: sooo stupid, yet sooo fun. —Rod Lott