1. Lucy N. Easy
2. Sharon Spreadleggs
3. Felicia Fuxalot
4. Greta Givesgreatblowjobs
5. Lady Labia
6. Major Slut
7. Moist Vagina —Rod Lott
Confession Stand with Ashley C. Williams
Ashley C. Williams is the middle section of last year’s family feel-good hit, The Human Centipede.
FLICK ATTACK: First, the obvious question: Should I let Centipede writer/director Tom Six babysit my kids?
WILLIAMS: Sure thing! He’s a sweetheart. Most people just think he is sick in the head, which is understandable. But he really is the opposite of what you think!
FLICK ATTACK: When you signed up for The Human Centipede, did you have any idea it would become a pop-culture touchstone before it was even released, or did you think it was destined for oblivion?
WILLIAMS: Honestly, I had no idea it would be this big a hit in the cult horror film world. I just thought, “Hey, this role could either make or break my career,” and hey, it turned out pretty good! We were just happy when it got into some film festivals and it just kept growing from there!
FLICK ATTACK: In The Brady Bunch, Jan Brady always resented being the middle girl. Can you relate? Do you think you had it worse than she did? Please remember before you answer that Marcia was really hot.
WILLIAMS: I can relate! And ironically, I am the “middle child” in my family, too, and it’s not the greatest feeling. But I do think that my character definitely had it the worst.
FLICK ATTACK: Do you now need knee replacements?
WILLIAMS: My knees are fine, thanks. But I suppose my character, Lindsay, might need them, if she survives.
FLICK ATTACK: Since you spent so much time attached to two of your co-stars, did you get to the point where you could finish each other’s thoughts? And, like, if Ashlynn Yennie stubbed her toe right now on the other side of the country, could you feel it?
WILLIAMS: Totally.
FLICK ATTACK: How to put this delicately? Okay, there’s no way to put this delicately: Were you having to smell Akihiro Kitamura’s butt the whole time?
WILLIAMS: Nope, there were several layers of fabric and gauze so that we wern’t ever touching. We were never ever skin to skin. There was a knob attached to the gauze that we bit down on to make it look like we were attached.
FLICK ATTACK: I imagine that since the movie came out, you’ve gotten a lot of attention from the wrong sort of people. What’s the creepiest fan experience you’ve had thus far?
WILLIAMS: Creepiest? Well, I get a lot of Facebook stalkers, especially on my fan page. They say some weird crap that is just … well … weird.
FLICK ATTACK: Speaking of, has appearing in the film affected your dating life?
WILLIAMS: Not at all! my boyfriend was very supportive of me doing this film.
FLICK ATTACK: According to IMDb, you were an uncredited villager in Willow. If that’s true, who’s scarier: an on-camera Dieter Laser or an off-camera Val Kilmer?
WILLIAMS: Well, I was only 5 years old in Willow, so I’m not sure of Val Kilmer’s personality off-camera, so I would have to say definitely Dieter Laser was insanely scary, even while he was off-camera! He stayed in character pretty much the whole time while he was on set.
FLICK ATTACK: You’ve won acting awards, you’re a professional dancer, you’re an accomplished painter. Does it bug you — no pun intended — that your obituary still might lead with The Human Centipede?
WILLIAMS: Well, let me correct some things before I answer. I am actually not a dancer; I am a singer and I paint as a hobby. I’m actually very proud of the work I did in The Human Centipede. Being known as “the middle piece” my whole life is nice, but obviously, I would like to work outside of the horror genre as well and not get “stuck” in it.
FLICK ATTACK: And now for a question not about The Human Centipede: What films are you working on now? And how medically accurate are they?
WILLIAMS: Right now, I will be shooting a a romantic comedy in August here in NYC called A Guy Named Rick, and then going off to England and Germany to shoot a horror comedy, which is “somewhat accurate” in a Shaun of the Dead kind of way, called Stagnant. I have some offers of some great films that I am in negotiations with at the moment, and I continue to do plays here in NYC! —Rod Lott
Additional questions by Allan Mott.
In the Mouth of Madness (1995)
What is wrong with horror fans? Really? I mean, damn! A lot of you think John Carpenter lost it with In the Mouth of Madness, but the fact is — note: fact, not opinion — that this tip of the hat to H.P. Lovecraft is one of the director’s most intriguing movies.
Sam Neill is John Trent, an insurance investigator called in by a publisher (Charlton Heston) to track down missing author Sutter Cane (Jürgen Prochnow). Cane is a horror writer whose work frequently has a maddening effect on less stable readers. His new novel, only part of which has been delivered to his publisher, is reputed to be the one that will drive everyone mad. Trent believes that the whole situation is a publicity stunt, so he takes Cane’s editor (Julie Carmen) on a search for the town that is the book’s setting.
Mouth contains several set pieces that blend Lovecraftian concepts with Carpenter’s vision to create an unsettling atmosphere that grows more and more surreal, twisting reality, religion and fantasy around each other like an insane caduceus. The film is loaded with references to Lovecraft’s tales, and maybe that’s why it has never been particularly popular. It may be too old-school and literary for teen horroristas. Perhaps, too, Carpenter’s devotion to prosthetic rather than CG monsters makes it seem quaint. The director calls it the final film in his “Apocalypse Trilogy,” along with The Thing and Prince of Darkness, two other box-office underachievers.
But Mouth contains a great laugh line. After going through hell, then getting strapped into a straightjacket and slammed into a padded cell, Trent is forced to listen to elevator music designed to quiet the lunatics. As “We’ve Only Just Begun” plays over the asylum’s speakers, he slides to the floor moaning, “Oh no — not The Carpenters, too!” —Doug Bentin
Alien vs. Ninja (2010)
And now for a title that tells you everything you need to know: There’s an alien. There’s ninja. They fight.
And now for everything you need to know: It blows.
It shouldn’t, because that’s one of those seemingly can’t-miss concepts, but leave it to Japan to drop the ball. It takes no time at all for the meteor bringing the titular alien to fall from space, but an agonizing 15 or 20 minutes or so for the alien to appear, and then an even more agonizing hour for the whole thing to end. The best part about the movie may be the first credit that greets you at the conclusion, telling us that Alien vs. Ninja was brought to us by Sushi Typhoon, whatever that is. All I know is that it was over, thank Buddha.
But to address what comes before: The alien does look a little H.G. Giger-esque, although it’s clearly just a guy in a rubber suit. They took no effort to slime it up, but did craft its head to make it resemble the creature from the real Alien franchise, if affected with Down syndrome, and given an alligator mouth and noggin holes from which its fetuses emerge. Its real selling point is that from its body bursts what I’m assuming is an elongated penis, which splits and, this being Asian, turns into tentacles.
Being shot on HD, it at times resembles a fan-made Mortal Kombat sequel, but with more wire work than the busiest of orthodontists’ offices. Is something like this really in need of broad comedy, like a feminine fat man or a ninja acting like a doofus that’s very nearly on the slapstick level of The Three Stooges? The likes of Infra-Man had scads more imagination at a fraction of the budget. —Rod Lott
BMX Bandits (1983)
On the cover its DVD, no less a cinematic authority than Quentin Tarantino is quoted as saying, “If we’d grown up in Australia, BMX Bandits would have been our Goonies.” There are two problems with this proposal. The first is that as far away and foreign as Australia may be, I strongly suspect the folks who grew up there consider The Goonies to be their Goonies. The second is that Quentin is one of those film nerds who likes to insist shitty movies are better than good movies, because anyone can like a good movie, but only a true connoisseur can appreciate a shitty one.
I’m one of those annoying film nerds, too, but even I wouldn’t go so far as to call BMX Bandits a forgotten or misunderstood classic. What it is is a well-shot, vibrantly colorful, low-budget kids’ movie filled with folks who sound funny when they talk and at least one future redheaded, botox-addicted, Aussie superstar.
Nicole Kidman stars as Judy, a 16 year-old BMX enthusiast who — along with her friends P.J. and Goose — gets caught up with bank robbers when the three of them “find” (that is to say, steal) the box of special walkie-talkies the (other, older) thieves need for their daring robbery. When the thieves kidnap Judy, P.J. and Goose band together with their town’s BMX-loving teens, bring down the bad guys and use the reward money to build the bike track of their dreams.
The characters are quite well-drawn and the boys’ obvious romantic affection for their gangly ginger friend is believably portrayed, but never allowed to supersede the plot or action. Special props have to go to director Brian Trenchard-Smith who does a lot with a little and managed to make a film that’s nowhere as memorable as The Goonies, but pretty damn good nonetheless. —Allan Mott