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3 Terrible Uschi Digard Movies with Not-Terrible Uschi Digard Sex Scenes

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Raquel’s Hotel (1970) — Uschi runs a cheap motel, where she rents a room to an eager newlywed couple. She watches eagerly from the window outside as the two consummate their marriage. Horny, she brings the woman back to her room for some lesbo lovin’ while the husband stays behind and gets the maid from behind. Then all four get together in the same room and it’s a freakin’ free-for-all. Since all the voices were dubbed in later, this is the kind of movie where the people act mostly with their hands (or, in Uschi’s case, gigantic breasts).

Below the Belt (1971) — Quite memorably, Uschi enjoys a poolside romp in this tale of a boxer and the Mafia. She doesn’t even seem to mind the sudden entrance of a curious dog. Now that’s acting!

The Melon Affair (1972) — This goofy, harmless Italian comedy also known as, appropriately, Bang! Bang! The Mafia Gang, stars Woody Allen lookalike/soundalike Frank Corsentino in a slapstick-heavy tale of a virgin nerd who still lives with his nagging mom and dreams about sex all day. During a catering gig, he gets mixed up with the Mafia — with crazy results! Said results include a messy round of sex or two with Russ Meyer regular Haji, but for my money, Uschi steals the show as one of Frank’s daydreams, a topless nurse who smothers him with her fluffy white pillows. The reasons are obvious. —Rod Lott

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Comedy

Ape Canyon (2003)

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Sporting the tagline “The Story of Bigfoot: North America’s Greatest Lover,” Ape Canyon opens with Darcy, a Hooters waitress, reading a magazine in a tent. Bigfoot appears and starts to have sex with rape her. However, since Bigfoot is such a good lover, she falls in love with him. Her husband, Bill, a redneck who wears fake goofy teeth and sits on the toilet a lot, discovers a strange smell on her underwear and becomes suspicious. When he finds secret drawings that she has made of Bigfoot, he goes into a jealous rage and hunts down his rival, only to be sodomized by Bigfoot, Deliverance-style. As with all of Bigfoot’s “victims,” he, too, falls in love.

The rest of the movie involves Bigfoot attacking women and dry-humping them to orgasm. He also spears an effeminate runner in the butt with a stick and beats up a few guys. Some of his other victims involve a pair of environmentalists who have tied themselves to a tree. They believe that he is a nature spirit. The tied-down chick only makes the monkey love easier for our hairy friend. Bigfoot also likes to urinate on people and masturbate a lot.

A subplot involves a whiny young nerd who enjoys pleasuring himself to Britney Spears magazines. However, Bigfoot beats up the young man in order to get some masturbation material of his very own. The young man collapses into a quivering mess, crying “Why? Why?” Later, he gets another magazine and is pleasuring himself in his own room when Bigfoot reaches in through the window and steals the new magazine. “Fucking Bigfoot!” the boy cries. This is pure comic gold.

While Ape Canyon is funny at times, in the end, it is really not very good. Perhaps if it had been condensed into a short film, its poor production values could be overlooked. However, the muddy, handheld video footage gets tiresome at feature-length. Plus, the Bigfoot suit is not convincing at all — in fact, it seems to be a cheap gorilla suit picked up from a Halloween costume shop. Most importantly, for a B movie, there is a sad lack of nudity and gore. In a movie like this, I simply cannot excuse a lack of breasts. —Ed Donovan

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Horror

The Last House on the Left (1972)

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Attention, The Last House on the Left: Your reputation as a horror landmark is at stake. I call shenanigans! “Keep repeating: It’s only a movie …” and not a good one.

Yes, it has blood. Yes, it has rape. Yes, it has scenes of more unrelenting violence. But it also has slapstick comedy with rednecks, complete with “wacky” music. And a near-toothless African-American woman who would seem at home on a MADtv sketch. And dare I even mention the banjo-pop soundtrack with songs about the villains? Bad guys’ themes should not be played on the instrument most associated with TV’s Hee Haw.

But onto the story, which marks the screenwriting and directorial debut of Wes Craven, who later would birth terror icons in Freddy Krueger, Ghostface and whoever Meryl Streep played in that violin movie: Virginal 17-year-old Mari Collingwood (Sandra Cassell, Teenage Hitchhikers) and her best pal (Lucy Grantham) have the unfortunate experience of trying to score pot, but instead running into a felonious foursome led by Krug (David Hess, instantly typecast).

Krug’s so evil, he got his own son (Marc Sheffler) hooked on heroin. Weasel (Fred Lincoln) is a child molester, and Sadie (Jeramie Rain, later Mrs. Richard Dreyfuss) is merely a psycho bitch from hell. Rape and murder ensue, then the tables are turned when car trouble puts Team Krug as guests in the Collingwood home.

Craven and company’s absolute amateur-hour efforts kill whatever power was intended. That’s not to say what Krug and f(r)iends do isn’t horrible; it is. But torture of characters doth not a good movie make, and there’s nothing offered — original or otherwise — to elevate Last House. I even think some of its many rip-offs do the same story far better — Italy’s Night Train Murders, for one — and Hollywood’s vastly superior 2009 remake boasts suspense and style. Yeah, I said it. —Rod Lott

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Action

Extreme Ops (2002)

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In Hollywood’s first extreme-sports-inspired action film (seemingly existing only to have a movie with “extreme” in the title), a group of crazy kids shooting a camcorder commercial in the Austrian mountains are mistaken for CIA agents by Serbian war criminals hiding out in the unfinished resort where they’re staying.

That’s just one of many of Extreme Ops’ glaring gaps of logic wider than the space between star Bridgitte Wilson-Sampras’ eyes. But sure enough, this criminal mastermind who could not be toppled by entire governments is foiled with X Games stunts; this terrorist is taken down by beer-guzzling, snot-nosed sports freaks. If that’s the case, shouldn’t we have sent Tony Hawk to Iraq?

Dark City’s Rufus Sewell leads the team and has the hots for gold-medal downhill skier Bridgitte Wilson-Sampras-Gums-Teeth. The others dare you to like them, debuting with such lines as “I’m cramping and bleeding like a stuck pig!” and “Wassup, bitches?” That includes the rather unappealing Devon Sawa (Final Destination), whose baby teeth and bloodshot eyes suggests “reeks of skunk weed.” They’re so nutty and anti-authority that they’re always doing things like skateboarding atop moving trains and snowboarding off hotel roofs and laughing about it like it’s the funniest thing on earth. Why wasn’t Matthew Lillard in this?

It’s hard to side with the Extreme Ops team over the bad guys. And how do we know they’re bad? Because they’re bald and play chess … with bullets — how hardcore! The stunts are excellent, but that leaves no excellence for other aspects of the film. At least one character’s voice has been redubbed in its entirety. Directed by Screamers’ Christian Duguay, the flick has more falling snow in it than Chris Farley’s last party, and appears to have been made only for guys who use the word “bro.” Extreme Oops may be a more apt title. —Rod Lott

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