Colombiana (2011)

colombianaIn the space of three films, Luc Besson proved himself a talented director of immensely entertaining genre films. La Femme Nikita is an action classic; Léon: The Professional is pure awesome; and The Fifth Element is gorgeous, magnificently goofy sci-fi.

So when did he become cinema’s equivalent to James Patterson?

That’s not exactly fair; Besson’s works are usually brainless, but watchable, while Patterson’s books (his and those he “shares” with other authors) are nigh unreadable. But Besson has taken a page from Patterson and more or less retired from directing and taken up producing scripts (usually his) that are slapdash at best, relying almost solely on a director’s prowess and the charm of the actors (see: Lockout, Taken, The Transporter, District B13, etc.).

colombiana1Another is Colombiana, a spiritual sequel to Léon, following a young girl’s rise from innocent to trained assassin as she methodically hunts down her parents’ killers. But where Léon benefitted from Jean Reno’s and Natalie Portman’s charismatic performances and Besson’s verve behind the camera, Colombiana gives us Zoë Saldana (2010’s Star Trek reboot) and director Oliver Megaton (Transporter 3), a man with a Transformer name and an inability to keep the camera still.

In the best action films, we see the stunt. District B13 is entirely stupid, yet nonetheless one of the genre’s best of late, its director understanding that his parkour-trained actors are best served simply by pointing the camera on them and letting them do their thing (see also [seriously, see it]: Gareth Evans’ The Raid: Redemption). Megaton also puts parkour into some chase scenes, but keeps cutting to different angles, so that we never actually get a sense of the physicality. Hell, you edit me like that, I look like an Olympic gymnast (if you knew me, you’d know why this is absurd).

It all boils down to gunplay and explosions, keeping the viewer’s eye distracted and a few great character actors employed. You could do worse, but you can do way better.

A note on Saldana: We need more female action heroes, and she seems an actual talent, selling the emotional scenes far better than the script deserves. But for the love of all that’s holy, someone get her a protein bar. Can we please stop putting firearms in the hands of people who weigh less than the guns they carry? It’s distracting and physically ridiculous (see also: Angelina Jolie). —Corey Redekop

Buy it at Amazon.

From Beyond (1986)

frombeyondWhere would horror movies be without slime? It’s the perfect go-to method for disguising effect flaws while making the audience squirm with disgust. Enter From Beyond, the movie that puts the “goo” in “goopy.” Its chief monster, the dimensionally disfigured Dr. Pretorius (Ted Sorel, Basket Case 2), almost puts John Carpenter’s Thing alien to shame with its overall shape-shifting malleability and gallons of ooze.

As if that weren’t enough, the movie as a whole is an excellent exercise in mad science, sadomasochistic inventiveness and squirrelly Jeffrey Combs-ian insanity. Combs is Crawford Tillinghast, lab assistant to Pretorius, inventor of the resonator, a device that allows all within its psychic field to perceive the myriad transdimensional beasts that surround us all the time. After Pretorius’ head is removed by something from beyond (“It bit off his head like a gingerbread man!”), Tillinghast is persuaded to restart the experiment by psychiatrist Katherine McMichaels (Barbara Crampton) and cop Bubba Brownlee (Ken Foree, 1978’s Dawn of the Dead), because science.

frombeyond1True to form, the resonator shows them the world lying just beyond our eyesight. It also stimulates the pineal gland, which leads to increased libido (good), a third eye protruding from a stalk on the forehead (bad), and a taste for human brains (um … good?). This leads to the classic scene where the sexually repressed Dr. McMichaels unleashes her inner goddess, dresses up in leather, and gropes an unconscious Tillinghast. Crampton never quite sells the “psychiatrist” aspect of her character — when will people learn that glasses do not a scientist make? — but she absolutely nails the sex-maniac part.

Making the most of a meager budget, director Stuart Gordon bathes his horror in a gorgeous giallo lighting scheme and buckets of ectoplasm. Famed for his previous H.P. Lovecraft adaptation, Re-Animator (which also starred both Combs and Crampton), From Beyond is the stronger film, completely unafraid to delve into utterly depraved areas. Combs is reliably strange and wonderful; Foree plays the Ken Foree role to the hilt; Crampton goes places few actors would let themselves go; and the makeup artists, working with practically no money, rose to the challenge with inventive prosthetics and copious gore.

And, of course, slime. By the end, as Tillinghast and Pretorious wage a mucus-bathed battle that literally turns each of them inside out, From Beyond makes a compelling case for itself as the slimiest movie ever. —Corey Redekop

Buy it at Amazon.

Loose Shoes (1980)

looseshoesIf remembered at all today, Loose Shoes is done so not for the nudity of Hill Street Blues‘ Betty Thomas (trust me), but for marking the screen debut of Bill Murray. A scrappy, Kentucky Fried Movie-style comedy of faux coming attractions, it’s the very definition of “mixed bag,” which means it’s not without some laughs.

One of them arrives with the first trailer out of the gate, for a biopic of a Howard Hughes-like character; intones the narrator, “But his hobby … was watching planes fuck.” Blue humor reigns throughout, with such bits as The Invasion of the Penis Snatchers, 2069: A Space Orgy, The Bad News Bears in Getting Laid and the African-American musical Dark Town After Dark, featuring a catchy number whose chorus celebrates “tight pussy, loose shoes and a warm place to shit.”

looseshoes1The longer segments tend not to work as well. These include the prison drama Three Cheers for Lefty!, in which Murray’s death-row inmate incites a riot over quiche; Scuffed Shoes, a ballet-set murder mystery; and Billy Jerk Goes to Oz. In the latter, a snake bite sends the Billy Jack-esque rebel to the wonderful world; how many of today’s young viewers would know who Billy Jack is?

Other targets of parody are Woody Allen, nature documentaries, Walt Disney family films, the Ma & Pa Kettle and Francis the Talking Mule franchises, Charlie Chaplin, spaghetti Westerns, Macon County Line, concession-stand commercials and Star Wars, which is rendered as a Jewish space opera with laser-shooting menorah. If Mel Brooks didn’t steal this idea from director/co-writer Ira Miller for History of the World: Part I, then … well, he totally stole it. —Rod Lott

Buy it at Amazon.

Terminal Entry (1988)

terminalentryEssentially War Games made for the cost of a No. 10 combo meal at Taco Bell, the jaw-droppingly dated (even for its time) Terminal Entry centers on a group of computer geeks who sit around playing simulation games all day long. Their latest obsession is one called — ready for this? — Terminal Entry, in which they maneuver terrorists to plunder and kill.

Unbeknownst to them, the damn thing’s not a game at all! They’ve hacked into a military computer and are ordering real-life terrorists to make real-life attacks and real-life kills, the crazy kids! The situation grows even crazier when the high schoolers order an attack on themselves. Only then are our boys tipped off that they’re playing for keeps.

terminalentry1Do our socially challenged teens — among them, Heathers‘ Patrick Labyorteaux and Rob Stone, the eldest son from ’80s TV sitcom Mr. Belvedere — have what it takes to fend off a highly trained and highly armed unit of bad guys? Well, when one of the boys puts a tie around his head Rambo-style, I guess the answer’s a resounding “Yes!”

Truth be told, there is no reason to watch this film past the initial eight minutes, during which 1984 Playboy Playmate of the Year Barbara Edwards (Hard Ticket to Hawaii) steps out of the shower. Ever. So. Slowly. —Rod Lott

Buy it at Amazon.

The Awakening (2011)

awakeningIn 1921 London, Florence Cathcart (Rebecca Hall, The Town) keeps busy in her work, exposing so-called “spirit mediums” for the greedy charlatans they are. It’s not only a living, but a distraction from emotional wounds not yet healed.

Implored to do so by the stammering, handsome history master of Rookford (Dominic West, Punisher: War Zone), Florence travels to the boys’ prep school, where students have reported seeing a gh-gh-gh-ghost! While our skeptic heroine is inclined to approach the situation with disbelief, one boy literally became frightened to death. Suffice to say, the Rookford faculty takes the haunting — whether real, imagined or an elaborate hoax — rather seriously.

awakening1The Awakening unfolds in a purposely calculated manner that matches the supernatural literature of its setting’s post-Victorian era. Some call that boring; I call it a slow ratcheting of suspense, and the lovely, headstrong Hall serves as a terrific guide through the good ol’ ghost story.

Directed and co-written by feature first-timer Nick Murphy, the visually rich film does suffer from a needlessly extended ending, so it lacks the payoff of 2012’s The Woman in Black, which The Awakening closely resembles in theme, mood, production design and basic overall Britishness. It’s not quite as simple as its stick-figure credits would suggest; speaking through Florence, Murphy and co-scripter Stephen Volk (the BBC’s infamous Ghostwatch special) tackle head-on the fear-vs.-science debate that sadly, inexplicably remains relevant even today. —Rod Lott

Buy it at Amazon.

Random Genre & Cult Movie Reviews