Inseminoid (1981)

inseminoidOur world has no shortage of Alien imitators, but to find one from the UK is so rare, it makes Inseminoid something of a novelty. I mean, Italy, sure — God, yes! — but Great Britain? The royal land of tea and crumpets and Masterpiece Theatre? The mind boggles …

… and the opening narration certainly does, wearing us down with minutiae about the Horror Planet (the film’s alternate title) we neither asked for nor need: its past population, average temperature, number of suns — holy geez, save something for the Wikipedia page! Here are the essentials: scientists, alien, death. Done!

If the title of Inseminoid strikes your ears as rather reproductive, it should, because the movie’s squatty creature rapes one of the characters (Judy Geeson, It Happened at Nightmare Inn) specifically for spawning purposes. Director Norman J. Warren (Bloody New Year) frames said alien rising between Geeson’s spread legs, as if it were an OB/GYN finishing an exam. Inseminoid’s ick factor reaches peak revulsion as Geeson is impregnated via what looks like pickled eggs plucked greedily from the local pub’s communal jar and then, with Re-Animator fluid as a lubricant, slid directly into her womb through a Habitrail.

inseminoid1Later, as the body count rises parallel to audience boredom, surviving crew members plant bombs around the cavernous facility to win their otherworldly war; I swear the explosives are red Wiffle balls. With props like that, Warren was in no danger of hitting this project out of the park.

Despite an interesting cast that includes Stephanie Beacham (Schizo) and former Steve Martin spouse Victoria Tennant (1987’s Flowers in the Attic), this upper-crust, low-wattage blend of sci-fi, horror and accents nearly requiring subtitles is never quite what you think or hope it will be. Inseminoid is a seed that finds no purchase. —Rod Lott

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The Tournament (2009)

tournamentHeld every seven years in some unsuspecting town, The Tournament is a numbers game. For 24 hours, 30 of the world’s best assassins compete for a $10 million prize in a competition with only one rule: Kill or die. What more setup does an action-craving viewer need?

With tracking devices implanted in their tummies, contestants worthy of note include a parkouring Frenchman (Sebastien Foucan, who performed similar duties against 007 in 2006’s Casino Royale), a crazy-ass Texan (a miscast Ian Somerhalder, TV’s Lost), a Russian special forces member (Undisputed series badass Scott Adkins), a Triad vet (Kelly Hu, X-Men 2’s Lady Deathstrike) and the returning champion (Ving Rhames, Pulp Fiction). The latter is only in it to avenge the recent death of his wife by the trigger-happy hands of a fellow contestant — he just doesn’t know which one. Blah, details.

tournament1This particular do-or-die tourney takes place in Middlesbrough, a British town boasting more public surveillance cameras than anywhere on the globe — fortuitous for the assembled high-rollers hoping to make a mint off the blood of 29 hired guns. They are as unapologetic about their gambling as director Scott Mann (2015’s Heist) is about depicting irredeemably graphic acts of violence; let’s just say more than one human head explodes.

Accidentally caught in the crossfire of the shoot-’em-up (by events so unbelievable, explanation is futile) is a hooch-sloshing priest (Robert Carlyle, Trainspotting) and, one assumes, the audience surrogate. Yet you need not be inebriated to feel The Tournament’s juice kick in; Mann and company take care of providing the rush on their own. Virtually unseen, the film deserves better — not pantheon placement, but some sort of regard among fans of swiftly and slickly executed set pieces of undiluted action. Mann does that so well and so often, it seems as if the flick weren’t scripted so much as improvised, taking suggestions from audience members into what situations he should throw his players and their weapons: “In a slaughterhouse!” “At a strip club!” “On a moving bus! You know, the double-decker kind!” —Rod Lott

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Hot Pursuit (2015)

hotpursuitUnlucky in love, career cop Cooper (Reese Witherspoon, Walk the Line) is nonetheless married, albeit only to police protocol. So anal-retentive is she on duty that when Cooper hears a young man excitedly tell his friends that he calls “shotgun,” she takes it as a threat to public safety and tases him. Ha.

A redemptive shot arrives for Coop when she is assigned to help escort a cartel narc and his wife to Dallas to testify against a Colombian drug lord. Upon pickup, however, the narc is murdered — ha? — leaving his rich-bitch insta-widow (Sofia Vergara, Machete Kills) in Cooper’s care, with the bad guys in … wait for it … Hot Pursuit!

hotpursuit1Like Midnight Run stripped of testosterone and edge, the chilly Hot Pursuit is a broad comedy in both senses of the phrases. Witless and nutless, the material is far beneath an actress of Witherspoon’s talent. We know she can do comedy (for proof, see Alexander Payne’s Election), but she’s chosen not to be funny here (nor has anyone) and she’s even on board as a producer! Meanwhile, Vergara, the tube’s reigning sex bomb thanks to the ratings juggernaut that is Modern Family, proves as shrill as she is shapely, yelling her sub-sitcom lines with a ferocity that makes Kevin Hart look shy and reserved.

For such a female-powered production, directed by The Proposal’s Anne Fletcher, Hot Pursuit comes packed with gender politics oddly out-of-sync with the times. For example, (attempted) punch lines are built upon such cavemen-era concepts as “Periods are icky!” and “Policewomen look like lesbians!” Ha and ha, respectively.

When your end-credit bloopers can’t even pull a smile out of the viewer, something is horribly, irrevocably wrong. (Just ask Burt Reynolds, Reese.) Let the record show that while I ironed shirts as the Blu-ray spun and purred, I found watching the movie to be the least desirable of the two tasks. Kill me now. —Rod Lott

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The Erotic Rites of Frankenstein (1972)

eroticritesfrankSoon after the opening title screen of Jess Franco’s The Erotic Rites of Frankenstein, Dr. Frankenstein (Dennis Price, Vampyros Lesbos) has just gifted his monster (Fernando Bilbao, Mr. Hercules Against Karate) with the ability to speak. This is neither here nor there, because the hulking creature rarely talks in the film, and why should he when there is so much flagellation and fornication to get to?

Not to mention, Dr. F barely gets to enjoy his giant scientific leap for madmankind, as he is attacked and killed, because being “torn to pieces” is hardly survivable. Enter his daughter, Vera (Beatriz Savón, Frankenstein’s Bloody Terror) to avenge his death. Those responsible are the bug-eyed Cagliostro (Howard Vernon, Zombie Lake), a supernatural being with a pubic thatch of a goatee, and his sidekick (Anne Libert, A Virgin Among the Living Dead), a chirping bird-woman who wears nothing but green feathers and metal talons. Like Hitler before him, Cagliostro wishes to establish a new race; using Dr. Frankenstein’s secret rejuvenation recipe, he begins by creating the “perfect being” from body parts of various women he’s had murdered.

eroticritesfrank1Erotic Rites entertains both because of and despite its limitations — or rather, those of Franco. For starters, the film is not always in focus. For another, the spray-paint job on the monster is inconsistently applied and, depending on the angle and scene, appears to be either blue, green, silver or gray. No matter — with science-class skeletons, access to a castle and the buy-in of his regular players (including muse Lina Romay), Franco appears to be having a ball, in a “let’s put on a show” fashion befitting of Andy Hardy. Chock-full of Franco’s trademark full-frontal nudity, the ensuing production is colorful as a comic book — one that would give Dr. Fredric Wertham a coronary he’d never forget or an erection he’d never acknowledge. —Rod Lott

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Jack Ryan: Shadow Recruit (2014)

jackryanHaving already taken over the iconic role of Capt. Kirk in the rebooted Star Trek, Chris Pine guns for another A-list franchise in Jack Ryan: Shadow Recruit. It’s a prequel that serves as an origin story for the badass CIA analyst embodied originally by Alec Baldwin in The Hunt for Red October, most famously by Harrison Ford in Patriot Games and Clear and Present Danger, and forgettably by Ben Affleck in The Sum of All Fears. Fear not this belated fifth chapter.

Following the events of 9/11 — and thus messing with the series’ timeline, but get over it — Ryan trades studying economics for a stint in the Marines. Serving in Afghanistan, he endures a spinal injury in the process — an RPG-downed helicopter, to be precise — and while undergoing physical therapy is recruited by Thomas Harper (Kevin Costner, talking out one side of his mouth as if simultaneously storing nuts in his cheeks and packing sunflower seeds and Skoal in his bottom lip) to be a spy under the CIA’s employ. Ten years later, working undercover on Wall Street, Ryan notices something fishy in a Russian corporation’s books and is sent to Moscow to clean it up.

jackryan1Using U.S./Russia pipeline talks as a MacGuffin, director Kenneth Branagh (Thor) casts himself as Viktor Cherevin, the cirrhotic head of the Russkie firm plotting America’s economic collapse … and only Jack Ryan can stop him! Well, with generous assistance from Ryan’s fiancée therapist (Keira Knightley, The Imitation Game) and Harper, in an elongated heist sequence that recalls the set pieces of Paramount’s tone-similar Mission: Impossible films. (Pine even adopts Tom Cruise’s famous palms-flat/fingers-out running stance.) Knightley’s convenient appearance in Moscow just in time for the operation is a contrivance, yes, but one that works.

Although the Cold War long has thawed, Shadow Recruit presses the “reheat” button to recall the ’80s-Reagan flavor of the previous installments, all based on Tom Clancy novels. Working from a script co-written by first-timer Adam Cozad and old pro David Koepp (Jurassic Park), Branagh all but dispenses with the Clancy touchstones of geopolitical rigamarole and overtly right-wing rah-rah hoohah that oftentimes crippled the pace of the predecessors, and focuses on action. In doing so — and in bathing the screen in gorgeous saturated colors during moments of inaction — he delivers a surprisingly engaging spy tale, fleet of foot. You can feel it dividing itself into traditional thirds, each clicking neatly into place. —Rod Lott

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