The Day of the Beast (1995)

I’ve had a long, storied history with Spanish director Álex de la Iglesia’s El día de la bestia — better known in America as The Day of the Beast — than I care to admit. Having been a strange lover to his Acción mutante since my bootleg-buying days, sometime in the summer between high school and college, I ordered a VHS copy of Beast from the back of some zine I don’t even remember.

Since that 10th-generation dupe, I’ve had the Trimark VHS I got as a previously viewed tape from one of the many video stores I worked at, as well as a washed-out DVD transfer with no subtitles numerous years ago from eBay, all in a pathetic effort to watch what I now consider to be the finest horror flick ever made.

Thinking that was the best I was going to get in my viewing life, it’s a miracle from God that Severin Films released it in a most proper format: Blu-ray and 4K, in a transfer where I can see what is going on and, through much-needed subtitles, finally understand what is going on instead of just inferring it.

Ordained priest Angel (Álex Angulo) has one night — Christmas Eve — to become as terrible as possible to find where in Madrid the son of Satan will be born. Through a series of horrifically comical events, he befriends metalhead José María (Santiago Segura) and television psychic Cavan (Armando De Razza) to help him on his quest, almost a diabolical variation of the Don Quixote theme.

With an acid-tripping scene that inspired a few personal nightmares, not to mention a brutally evil ending where the devil appears in the flesh, de la Iglesia manages to invoke every single Catholic fear — especially of the Spanish variety — to craft a frighteningly dark view of not only the end of society, but the end of the world and the followers of such wanton destruction.

Of course, through a jaundiced eye of black comedy, The Day of the Beast manages to wring as many soul-wrenching laughs out of the infernal goings-on as it does skull-piercing frights from the satanic horror that, I can thankfully say, once again, make this my favorite horror film of all time, no contest. —Louis Fowler

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Nobody (2021)

Hutch Mansell leads an unremarkable existence. Married with two kids, his days are a blur of the mundane and the predictable. He works as an accountant for his father-in-law in a small manufacturing firm. The only suspense in his life comes on days he must hustle to get the trash curbside in time for the garbage truck. Hutch is a nobody.

At least that’s what he would have us believe. But the nobody at the heart of Nobody is portrayed by Bob Odenkirk, and as the actor has proved many times over in TV’s Breaking Bad and Better Call Saul, he can be a damned compelling presence.

Hutch’s routine is forever uprooted one night when two masked intruders break into the Mansell home. Hutch arms himself with a golf club, but chooses not to escalate the situation, instead allowing the thieves to get away. That decision doesn’t sit well with his wife (Connie Nielsen, Wonder Woman 1984) and teenaged son (Gage Munroe), who interpret Hutch’s action as cowardice and treat him coldly afterward.

What his family doesn’t know, and we learn soon enough, is that Hutch has a secret past as an ex-military assassin. The home invasion awakens his old habits, however, particularly on a city bus when he sees a group of hoodlums threatening a young woman. In an inspired choreography of ultraviolence, Hutch pulverizes the baddies, including one who turns out to be the younger brother of Yulian Kuznetsov (Aleksey Serebryakov), a psychopathic killer in the Russian mafia.

Screenwriter Derek Kolstad and co-producer David Leitch, both of the John Wick franchise, infuse Nobody with brutally effective violence and a grim sense of humor. If the movie doesn’t quite match Wick-actioner standards, neither does it embarrass itself. Director Ilya Naishuller (Hardcore Henry) breaks no new ground, but helms with the cool efficiency of an acupuncturist who knows what pressure points will satisfy action-flick fans. It works, if perfunctorily, from the contrived plot devices (why exactly does the entire Russian mafia appear to be headquartered in the United States?) to a smattering of pop songs that provide ironic counterpoint to blood-spattered mayhem.

Best of all is Bob Odenkirk. The 58-year-old former sketch comedian turns out to be a credible tough guy. The film offers some other nifty casting choices, particularly Christopher Lloyd (Back to the Future’s Doc Brown) and rapper RZA (The Man with the Iron Fists) as Hutch’s father and brother, but Odenkirk’s rumpled charisma is what ultimately makes Nobody worth knowing. —Phil Bacharach

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Southland Tales (2006)

I am not a fan of Donnie Darko, director Richard Kelly’s debut feature film. When I originally went into his follow-up, Southland Tales, well over a decade ago, I felt mostly the same way about Dwayne Johnson, Sarah Michelle Gellar and Seann William Scott as they ran all over Los Angeles on a drug-fueled It’s a Mad, Mad, Mad, Mad World low-riding cruise.

I walked out about an hour in.

Flash-forward many years later: Watching with far more of a (now) mature mind, I can see what Kelly — by accident or otherwise — was not only trying to do, but ultimately succeeded in: a near rewrite of the end of the world, with a heavy — and welcomed — emphasis on biblical allusions. Does a lot of it make sense? Not really, but I wouldn’t expect the apocalypse to, anyway.

Taking place in the then-futuristic landscape of 2008, society is much like it is now: a world of consumerism and lust ready to crumble upon itself. Boxer Santaros (Johnson) is an amnesiac who somehow hooks up with porn actress Krysta Now (Gellar) to collaborate on a screenplay entitled The Power.

Meanwhile, after a devastating nuclear attack on Abilene, Texas, a strange German corporation led by strange actor Wallace Shawn invents a new energy source called Fluid Karma that has, for the most part, put the Eastern part of the U.S. under its control, along with a nightmarish form of surveillance called USIdent.

Meanwhile meanwhile, as Shawn and crew plan for the next phase of their literal lower grab, a police officer (Sean William Scott) has apparently been split into two people sharing the same soul, each half looking for the other — a meeting that will cause time to collapse.

Again, does it make much sense? Not at first glance and, really, that’s probably what turned movie audiences off. But, especially with the help of drug-addled (and wholly grating) soldier Justin Timbelake’s biblically-based narrations, it becomes obvious that Kelly is rewriting the Book of Revelation for a crowd who, for the most part, no longer believes in the Bible or, sadly, the end of the world.

As time marches on, Southland Tales plays far more prescient now than ever before. —Louis Fowler

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Wake of Death (2004)

Admits Jean-Claude Van Damme’s character several times within the opening minutes of Wake of Death, “I’m tired.” Dude, we’ve noticed.

Van Damme’s Ben Archer is former mob muscle gone legit, now a club bouncer, loving father and devoted husband. His wife, Cynthia (Lisa King, Love N’ Dancing), is a cop who, upon discovering a boat of Asian refugees at the harbor, bring a scared young girl home for the night, as if test-driving a puppy from the pound. Unfortunately, 14-year-old Kim (Valerie Tian, 2012’s 21 Jump Street) is no ordinary refugee; she’s on the run from her father, who unfortunately is Triad crime boss Sun Quan (Simon Yam), who unfortunately slit his wife’s throat post-coitally as Kim unfortunately watched.

“I’m going to get Kim back my way,” says Quan, and boy, does he try, leaving a trail of bodies in his wake — a wake of death, one might say — including Cynthia’s. As you’d expect, that leaves Archer in reluctant but devoted charge of Kim, protecting her from own father. It’s not unlike Boaz Yakin’s Safe, the 2012 movie in which Jason Statham also protects a young Chinese girl from the Triad while also taking revenge on the goons who murdered his spouse. The difference is Safe is far smarter and better made, but it’s not like Wake of Death didn’t have a chance.

Shot in South Africa, the cheap actioner has four credited writers and went through three directors, the first being Hong Kong great Ringo Lam, reuniting with Yam after Full Contact and with Van Damme after three films, including Maximum Risk. Lam walked after a couple of weeks, so who knows which scenes are his; my guess is the film’s best: a motorcycle chase through a shopping mall, including up the escalators and jumping from level to level. A sequence as bravura as that rises above Wake’s other set pieces, which are so poorly staged and edited that the viewer is never given the chance to invest oneself. Since Philippe Martinez (The Chaos Experiment) holds the directorial credit and also produced, we can pin the failure on him.

Van Damme himself is fine. Ironically, the further time removes him from his box-office heyday, the better an actor he becomes. Every now and again, one of his DVD premieres pops with some acclaim — like 2008’s JCVD and 2012’s Universal Soldier: Day of Reckoning — but not enough to fuel a career comeback. Wake of Death isn’t one of those standouts, lumbering with so many slow-motion shots and needless scenes — like watching Yam practicing tai chi for a hot minute — that the running time keeps calling attention to its own padding. —Rod Lott

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The Bermuda Depths (1978)

Made for television, The Bermuda Depths is one of those siren-o’-the-sea stories, with Connie Sellecca (Captain America II: Death Too Soon) doing the honors as Jennie, who swims like a serpent, apparently lives in the Bermuda Triangle and — as local legend has it — sold her soul to the devil. She’s not a mermaid, but she may as well be.

In fact, The Bermuda Depths may as well be a proto-Splash of sorts. Just shove Fraternity Vacation’s Leigh McCloskey in what would be the Tom Hanks role and extract all humor. And instead of John Candy, we get Burl Ives, looking like a can of Dinty Moore Beef Stew Big Bowl made human.

Adorned with an ever-present puka shell necklace, McCloskey’s Magnus Dens (huh?) is a perennial college dropout who returns to his childhood home of Bermuda, where he romped on the beach with a girl named Jennie and a sea turtle as big as a rocking horse. Orphaned as a child after his scientist father perished in a freak and vaguely supernatural accident, Magnus receives an overly hearty welcome — and a big exposition dump — from his marine biologist pal (Action Jackson himself, Carl Weathers).

Jennie pops up, too; now played by Sellecca, she’s all grown up and, well, weird. How much of that is in the script or Sellecca’s blasé performance has us shrug, but Jennie’s presence raises a lot of questions, like:
• Is this all in Magnus’ head?
• Why does her hair have a sheen?
• Why do eyes glow?
• Hey, what’s up with the now-Gamera-sized turtle?

I’ll address the last one: Because The Bermuda Depths is less a true example of Trianglesploitation and more about kaiju, following in the big footsteps left by The Last Dinosaur. Both were directed by Tsugunobu “Tom” Kotani for Rankin/Bass, the noted purveyor of those creepy yet cherished stop-motion Christmas specials from the late 1960s and early ’70s, so it’s only natural the miniatures and mattes carry some of that brand’s distinctive visual magic. At its best points, Bermuda imparts a narcotic quality; at its worst, it’s narcotized. —Rod Lott

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